Joe Kinsey
Videos by OutKick
Thank you to the wives who ‘get’ Screencaps
It’s a Saturday morning, so let’s not start with anything salacious or football talk. Let’s give a shoutout to the wives, girlfriends, side pieces, etc. who ‘get’ what I’m trying to accomplish with the Screencaps column. My whole existence on the Internet is based on the premise of entertaining men who need an escape from a job they hate, possibly a marriage that is dissolving, and a release from a world that makes them feel suffocated.
I made my career on masculinity. That high T stuff Frank Thomas sells on Bally Sports at 3 a.m. I’m employed today because of this mentality.
And then something crazy happened.
Women started enjoying all of this even though I haven’t changed my style in 16 years. I’m the same blogger now as I was back then.
• Warren M. writes (he hits on a couple of topics of the week, but the real focus is on that last paragraph):
That sounds cool that Millennial Chris B is racing Traverse City. I tried convincing my wife to travel to Michigan so I can race it, but she said no on any more race vacations.
I do have an Ironman tattoo after I finished Ironman Florida 2019 (140.6 miles of swimming, biking, and running). I’m also sleeved up. I have a magnet on my car with a cool 140.6 design I found on Instagram by an artist. I guess that makes me an Ironman Homer.
My wife said it’s fall and put out plastic pumpkins (we’re on team Zach Dean). I’ll admit that it isn’t as brutally hot anymore, and when you live in South Florida long enough, you can sort of tell when the weather kind of changes.
My in-laws are thrilled after Big Balls Dan F’n Campbell and the Lions won last night. Makes me wonder why the Dolphins didn’t keep BB Dan around?! Miami isn’t too far off from the Lions or the Browns, we just have better weather (and the Miami HEAT).
One last thing: My wife tells all our friends and family to read OutKick and says to look for Joe Kinsey and Screencaps! She’s a believer!! Her favorite things you write are about basic suburban women and their habits. She still quotes the Holly and Trish line from your classic White Claw Surge story, and the wide-brim hat women named Ali (it’s true, they’re all named Ali!).
Kinsey:
Mrs. Warren M. is talking about this passage from all the way back to April 2021. White Claw introduced its new seltzer and I was in charge of blogging about it.
See, this is the thing that is amusing when the lib libs start making assumptions about OutKick. We’re sexist, blah, blah, blah. I like to think we’re observationists. We’re not here to be the New York Times. We’re not here to write New York Times best-sellers.
We observe and let words come out.
When we observe absurd shit like some dude with a schlong going out and destroying female swimming records that women planned on telling their little girls about one day, we have a problem with that. Makes sense, right?
We observe the Danica Patricks and the Alis of the world turning the Burning Man Coachella hat into a must-have accessory for their fall photoshoots where their husbands are completely miserable because they’d rather be catching the second half of the early games.
HUGE ADVICE…LISTEN UP:
Guys, I cannot say it any louder — set the parameters this fall (starting Sept. 23). Tell her how you don’t even want to watch football games until 3 p.m. on Sundays. Seriously. Say you’re rather be out suckin’ down pure air and enjoying nature.
That gives her time to schedule brunch, lunch, apple orchard visits, pumpkin hunting, etc. Her mind is going to be racing with all the scheduling opportunities — OMG, there’s this new chicken and waffles place that Jen keeps DMing me on IG about that has incredible mimosas. Let’s go!
Hell yeah, LET’S GOOOOOOOO.
Then, at 3, she’s buzzed and ready for a fuzzy blanket, her trusty hoodie, a LIT AF Yankee Candle, and a Netflix series to “binge” while you’re in the cave command center surrounded by TVs while your buddies blow up your phone.
You get to see pretty much the entire second half of the early games, all of the 4:15 kickoffs, and everyone is satisfied.
Guys, I want you to be prepared this fall. Get your heads right.
Respect Summer
I got busy planning our trip to the Friday night home football game — the 1st grader in this house wanted to go and now he’s running around with 5th graders…Mrs. Screencaps nearly fainted when I told her upon returning home — and forgot to tell the local weather guy about this thing we call SUMMER.
Oh, I’m supposed to be excited about below-average temperatures in September? Uh, no I’m not.
That’s it this morning. Yes, I have like 50 messages about iPhone loading issues. You know how Miss America contestants used to be asked about how they would solve all the problems in the world? I feel like my answer would be simple: I just want Screencaps to load, all the IG models to show up, and for there not to be reloads.
BOOM — world peace.
99.9% of the time I feel we could achieve world peace if Screencaps was magically sent to 8 billion phones around the world. The ladies would laugh at the suburban mom observations. The jacked-up young guys would stop trying to shoot each other because they’d be all relaxed from America’s Best Morning Column as named by the readers. The libs would be mesmerized by the vegan nachos I post by accident from time to time. The Save the Earth crowd would love the nature and vacation section.
A functional Screencaps is 100% my focus. Nobody wants world peace like I want world peace.
I’m off to have a relaxing Saturday where I don’t read a single “My iPhone keeps reloading” message. It’s going to be a good day.
Take care.
Email: joekinsey@gmail.com
