Moms: Did your baby daddy hit it out of the park with Mother’s Day this year?
If so, continue reading for some great gift ideas to return the favor this Father’s Day.
If not, stop reading this now, take his credit card and go HAM at your local department store. Then go for cocktails with your girlfriends. Then drunkenly book a trip to the beach with said girlfriends. Bon voyage, girl! Send a postcard!
Okay, so back to the moms who got a decent Mother’s Day gift: It’s only right to reciprocate the gesture this Father’s Day. Dads had a rough 2020 too and deserve something good this year—I mean, other than all the kid-free golf Saturdays they’re already taking. (Sorry for the passive-aggressive dig. It was just too easy not to take.)
Here’s the problem with trying to give my husband, Barton, any sort of gift: he literally never knows what to tell me to get him. Ever. In fact, I said to him before writing this, “Barton, if a gun were to your head, what would you tell me to get you for Father’s Day? Name one thing. Anything. Literally any literal thing that exists on this planet that you might want. Go.”
Barton: Long, awkward silence, picking at his lip, a few stressed out sighs while staring out into the distance. Then he finally replies, “This is why I need your article, babe.”
Women: I’ve supplied you with this handy list a couple weeks in advance, so you have no excuse for snubbing the big guy in your life this year. And if you’re a man reading this, maybe you’ll want to send this to your wife. Because I don’t think you’re allowed to ask for a night at a strip club for Father’s Day — (Is that what all men secretly want? Please tell me I’m wrong) — so you might as well tell her a real gift she can get you this year.
(Mark & Graham)
Giving a regular ol’ money clip wallet is for amateurs; make it personalized with his initials and watch him lose his MIND. (Men go crazy over monograms, too…right? …No? Just us? Interesting.) Anyway, you should still get it for him. Because are you even a dad if you don’t have a money clip wallet?
Just clip one of these things onto anything your husband regularly loses—his keys, his gym bag, the children when he’s in charge of watching them—and it will ring loudly and help him find it fast. Plus, it has a 200-foot range, meaning he can lose these things up to 2/3rds the length of a football field away and still recover them. (I try to speak to men in sports analogies as often as possible, which is really hard for someone who doesn’t know anything about sports.)
My husband just bought these for himself, and he’s obsessed. I asked him to tell me, in his own words, why he loved them. Enjoy.
“Well. Because they’re versatile, they can be board shorts or you can dress them up…” [Pauses to look at phone/check Twitter.] “Um. You can dress them up or down. You can wear them as board shorts. Or as nice shorts…” [Pauses to stare out into the distance for a bit/then check phone again/scroll Twitter. Then I remind him to complete his sentence.] “…And they come in great colors. Am I done yet?” If this doesn’t sell you, then I don’t know what will.
Everyone is obsessed with these shoes, and if it motivates my husband to work out, then I will gladly shell out the dollah billz. Mama needs a lil eye candy, naw’m say’n?
I didn’t even know this was a thing, but… apparently it’s a thing. Now, I do have questions — “Ball Deodorant?” — but I think all women will be generally pleased to know this kit exists, despite the fact that one of the apparatuses is called “The Lawn Mower.”
Personally, the description of “Treats from a mystery international country” makes me anxious. (I do not like mysteries of any kind. I am an Enneagram 6 and need to know every single detail, and dammit if you ever try to surprise me with a sweet birthday surprise, I will probably never forgive you.) But I know for a fact my husband would love this, as he loves doing cRaZy things like “trying new things” or whatever. *Shudder.*
By the way, there are subscription boxes for almost everything under the sun. Check out Amazon for men’s fashion boxes, fitness boxes, outdoorsman boxes and tons more.
Why do dads geek out over hot sauce? And even more so over hot sauce gift boxes? Touted as “Dad’s Spicy Box of Champions,” I have high hopes for this gift. Roasted jalapeño, cherry chipotle, hellfire sauce, and something questionable and upsetting called “dirty dicks sauce” make up the box of award-winning sauces.
Everyone loves a pair of nice sunglasses, right? Especially Warby Parker sunglasses; these are a great option, but you honestly can’t go wrong with any of their styles.
However, if your husband is like my husband, he will lose that pair of nice sunglasses within days (hours?) of receiving them. Which is why I now only buy him cheap sunglasses from Amazon. BUT! I recently found a great pair that doesn’t look (too) cheap, and he wears them all the time. CLICK HERE for those.
A delicious wood fired 12” pizza in a matter of minutes? Sounds much better than me slaving over the hot stove for an hour trying to make some healthy dish my family won’t even touch. File this under “Father’s Day gifts that are secretly for the whole family but mainly for me.”
If you’ve run out of wedding photos of y’all to frame and pass off as a gift to him, consider this unique alternative. If he’s a baseball fan, a framed blueprint of his favorite team’s field will be a close second to a framed photo of you.
Barton has something similar to these and loves them and wears them ALL the time. He even recently wore them while out shopping with me. (Of course, I wasn’t aware of it until we got to the store, and I shrieked out loud when I realized he’d worn house shoes out in a public establishment. But that’s a story for another day.)
I should specify – swim trunks that don’t look like weird, long board shorts. (Guys, get rid of those.) These are shorter and more Euro-style and just all around a more fashion-forward look. The best part is I found them on Amazon for a great price, and they come in tons of colors. I bought them for Barton, and at first he tried to act like the shorter style made him uncomfortable but then ultimately admitted that he loved them and honestly wouldn’t stop strutting his stuff around on the beach last week.
A Jalapeño Plant
I’m adding this one because it’s a little life hack I came up with, and I’m pretty dang proud of it. I was tired of Barton always complaining that I didn’t buy enough jalapeños at the grocery store (he puts jalapeños on literally everything) so I bought a jalapeño plant at Costco so he would never be without his precious jalapeños again. Just putting out fires left and right over here in the Simmons household.
A Free Pass to Golf and Drink All Day
(Ladies, this is where we pretend like they’re not already doing this.)
If you read my Mother’s Day gift guide, I pretty much admitted that all we want is a night away from our families and duties as mothers. So, I’m assuming the same can be said for the dads out there. But gals, if you’re a real pro, you’ll gift him this time away then immediately book a babysitter for the same time and gift yourself a massage. You know, for all the hard work and effort you put into planning his amazing Father’s Day.
Men: any other gifts you’ve had your eye on? This is your chance to drop some hints.