Okay guys, listen up. Mother’s Day is around the corner, and we aren’t messing around this year. Pretty much every holiday of 2020 was a total shit show disaster, so there’s a lot of making up to do now.
First and foremost, Mother’s Day 2021 is May 9th. Write that down on some paper. Then immediately write it on another piece of paper because you’re most likely going to lose that first one. And then you’ll ask your wife where it is, and she will find it within seven seconds, of course. But I digress.
Let’s discuss Mother’s Day 2021. This is not the time to coast by with a scrawny bouquet from Walgreens and a high five. This is not the time for yet another cheesy coffee mug. And it is definitely not the time to pawn this off on your kids and have them make homemade I.O.U.s for ridiculous things like “1 free hug” or “1 night camping in a tent together in the backyard!” Actually, this is an important teaching moment here: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever give us a Mother’s Day “gift” that requires us to do activities with our kids, especially an activity like camping. If you do, you will receive your own I.O.U. from us entitled, “1 free kick in the crotch.”
Your wife most likely just got finished spending an entire year being a working professional, caretaker, teacher, housekeeper, nurse, short-order cook and so much more, and I’d venture to say her Mother’s Day 2020 wasn’t too dreamy. My personal Mother’s Day last year was particularly nightmarish. Last year at this time, I was seven months pregnant, exhausted, nauseous, homeless (we were knee-deep in a home renovation), sick of my kids, sick of my husband and constantly scared I was going lose my sense of smell and die. And maybe worst of all, I was unable to drink wine to cope with any of it. On Mother’s Day we ate cold eggs and toast at home in pajamas, drank zero mimosas, made no other human contact, and my husband Barton’s “gift” to me was watching a movie with the kids so that I could do all the dishes.
This year, we are settled in our new home, I have no humans growing inside of me, my kids are back in school, and my husband is back at the office and not chewing loudly next to me while eating his lunch every day. So things are off to a good start. BUT things could take a drastic and swift turn depending on the gift I open from him this year.
Therefore, knowing how much is riding on this Mother’s Day, I’ve compiled a list of gifts you should get for your wife if you want her to actually like the gift (and if you want any chance of her taking a break from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to engage in “special mommy and daddy time” any time soon.) I’ve teed everything up for you here, guys; I’ve provided links to everything so you cannot screw this up. Actually I take that back, I’m sure some of you will still find a way to screw this up. Anyways, pull out the ol’ credit card and get to ordering ASAP.
If your wife is a mom with multiple small children, she needs two things out of her jewelry: for it to not get caught in little fingers, and for her to never have to take it off—because for busy moms, literally every second counts. The Yearly Co. Beaded Huggies are small and fuss-free yet classic and pretty and made of solid 14k gold. But the best part is your wife can wear them 24/7 and will never have to take them out—they’re even comfortable enough to sleep in.
Barton gifted me these exact earrings for my birthday this year (and by that I obviously mean I contacted the jeweler, ordered the exact earrings I wanted, then told Barton — several times — when and where to pick them up, then fielded his call when he forgot when and where to pick them up, and then I told him a few more times). They’re on all my friends’ wish lists, and I personally haven’t taken mine off since I got them.
Now that there’s hope for traveling again, a customized jewelry case is a functional and beautiful gift she can use on that tropical vacation you’re going to whisk her away on soon. (I told you, we women have PTSD from 2020. The only way to cure it is a beach and endless pina coladas.) Custom storage for rings, compartments for earrings and necklaces and a mirror for getting ready on the go, she can store her most loved pieces in this vegan leather case. And don’t forget to get it monogrammed with her initials! Because if there’s one thing women go inexplicably crazy for, it’s definitely a monogram. We just can’t help ourselves.
If your wife is anything like me, her car houses more crap than a TJ Maxx and more food than several aisles of Kroger combined. For some reason, kids equate car rides with immediate and extreme gluttony, and I am guilty of giving in to it in order to maintain any semblance of peace during our commutes. My kids can stuff themselves silly and then step one toe into the car and suddenly they’re doubled over with hunger pains and demanding snacks—snacks that mostly end up all over the floor, smashed into the carpet and lodged in every crevice imaginable.
Want to make your wife happy? Call ahead of time and book an appointment for a mobile car detailing company to come and clean her car so she can ride in style—or at least ride without moldy goldfish and that rancid yogurt pouch she didn’t know was under the seat for the last three months. Book an appointment with your local mobile car detailing company (for example, in Nashville there’s Halo Detailing), tell her to take a nap and when she wakes up they will have removed stuck on stains, food, oils, dirt and all sorts of unidentified kid gunk.
(This poor chap here has no idea he’s cleaning a mix of kid urine and some rogue kid vomit. Bless his naïve soul.)
I’ll repeat: a SCHEDULED massage. We do not want a gift card. We do not want to have to call and book anything or use what measly brain cells we have left at the end of the day after working and/or child rearing. Just finish the job, guys; we want it scheduled and locked and loaded.
If you’re concerned you won’t know when to book the massage, this is how you handle that. Pay close attention here:
Step One: ask your wife what day/time she wants a massage.
Step Two: schedule the massage for that day/time. And book a sitter if you can’t be there to watch the kids.
Sorry, no time for questions, there are more gifts to be bought. Let’s soldier on.
When Barton and I were dating, I had a necklace with both of our initials engraved on it. Cut to present day, and gone are the days where I want to wear HIS name around my neck. The same goes for your wife. She is now probably all about her children and her mom role and you will sadly take a back seat for about 18+ years. Until she needs you to change a light bulb or kill a spider. Then you’re indispensable. Let her display her virtuous title with this gold-plated MAMA necklace she can wear alone or layer with her other favorite necklaces.
I would be downright giddy if Barton surprised me with a wine subscription. Because nothing evokes fear in a mom’s heart quicker than the clock striking 5 and going to grab some wine only to realize… she’s out of wine. I shudder just thinking about it.
And I don’t know about other women out there but the responsibility to stock up on wine at the wine store always falls on me, and I’d love a break from being the token wine dealer of our household. (This is mainly because Barton doesn’t care about or drink wine, and it’s highly annoying to me. His beverage of choice after work or with dinner is either a glass of whole milk or some sort of disgusting, sugar-laden drink like a Fanta, or something you’d find at a Fuddrucker’s with “Grape Soda” just written with pencil and taped to the soda machine nozzle with Scotch tape.)
A tried and true gift that never goes out of style: a pair of comfy house slippers that don’t make her look and feel like a geriatric patient. This particular pair is touted as being made from “the world’s softest Merino wool” and “informed by the infinite beauty of the Australian landscape.” I’ve never worn a slipper that’s been compared to an Australian landscape, but I’m very much up for trying it. (Also, who is the amazing branding team behind this ridiculous description? They deserve a raise.)
Buy her these warm, fancy, luxurious slippers so she can feel a little bit like Beyonce when she’s doing laundry (only much less rich, and without the cool husband part. Sorry pal but you’re no Jay-Z. You’re more of a Flo Rida, at best.)
The only other thing that would make me love Barton more than a wine subscription is if he gave me a Botox session at my favorite skincare place. Between putting up with you and the kids plus an ongoing pandemic, there’s no doubt your wife needs a little bit of facial refreshment right about now.
Don’t be weird about this gift suggestion, guys. Any time I mention Botox to Barton, he shames me and tells me I’m going to turn into the Cat Lady, the woman who has had about 97 plastic surgeries.
But then after I get the Botox done, he can’t tell at all and has no idea I’ve even done it. So just relax, guys, we know what we’re doing here. If you live in Nashville, I recommend Skin Pharm (they offer gift cards online and they also have a location in Atlanta).
If you haven’t heard of the famous Milk Bar baked goods yet, it’s high time you become acquainted. A huge box of gourmet desserts is the thing we all really want deep down in our souls but would never ask for. Just let her go through the whole charade of “Ok, just ONE bite” as she finishes off an entire cookie and experiences a wave of euphoria.
The sampler pack will give your deserving wife a little bit of everything: Rainbow-Vanilla Birthday Cake Truffles, a slice of gooey Milk Bar Pie, and an assortment of cookies like Chocolate Confetti and Chocolate Chip Marshmallow.
I’m including this because I know some of y’all aren’t going to schedule the damn massage and instead will look for the easy way out. So here you go—one swift click of the mouse on the Amazon website and you’ll help your wife undo all of the tension and aggression she has pent up in her shoulders from dealing with your incessant golf trips, weird fantasy football antics and lack of rinsing out your dishes. (Seriously though why can’t y’all rinse out your dishes??? I need answers.)
There are a few things every mom needs in her life: a good hair stylist, a good hiding place in her house where she can hide from the children now and then (and not because she’s playing hide and seek), and a good tote bag. We are the modern day bag ladies, and at any given moment we can have everything from a vat of half-eaten mac and cheese to an entire Barbie village to a bottle of wine or three in our bags (just me?). So that’s why it’s important to have a trusty yet chic tote, and if it’s leopard print then even better! Buy her this one, a lightweight, durable nylon bag to hold all the weird essentials she’s toting around.
I think I might’ve saved the best for last? No offense to you or the kids, but after talking to a lot of my mom friends about what they’d love for Mother’s Day, the resounding response was “a night away from my family.” Essentially a night away from the guy who got her into this mess in the first place and the resulting spawn that followed.
This is the only time an I.O.U. is allowed: present her with a free pass to book a staycation with a few girlfriends at her favorite hotel or even go on a quick girls’ trip. Tell her you’ll watch the kids for the night or call in reinforcements via babysitters, grandparents or friends, and let her gallivant around with no cares, no responsibilities and no people asking her for snacks around the clock.