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Sir, whose cocaine and meth is that strapped to your penis? Ain’t mine. Nope. No idea who those drugs belong to, but they definitely aren’t mine. That’s what Florida Man Patrick Florence, who has a lengthy rap sheet in the Sunshine State, is claiming after his arrest early Sunday morning in Clearwater.
Florence, 34, was a passenger in a car pulled over around 4 a.m. Sunday for driving without headlights. the driver was popped for DUI and weed, but the big story here is what happened when the police turned their attention to Florence.
A .38 Special was found under his seat — said it wasn’t his — and then it was time to do a full-body search of a suspect who’s been arrested nearly 20 times in Pinellas County.
According to the police report, cops found two baggies strapped to Florence’s penis. One contained “cocaine powder and cocaine base” while the other had a “crystal substance.”
That’s when Florence and his long history of possessing cocaine, said nope, they’re not mine. He wasn’t willing to tell cops who owned the drugs and that led to four felony charges and a trip back to the county jail.
Now, it’s entirely possible Florence isn’t lying that the drugs weren’t his. I’m no drug-running expert here, but it’s possible that this career criminal was told by some shadowy figure to strap the cocaine to his penis with orders to deliver it to a customer.
The big question here is how did this who strapping down the cocaine and meth thing go? Are we talking ankle wrap material like an NFL running back getting taped down before a game? Are we talking masking tape? Christmas gift wrapping tape?
While cops have bigger and better things to worry about, this might be a learning lesson here for the police departments. It might be time to embed bloggers with these cops to unearth these details.
As the Smoking Gun notes, this isn’t the first time a criminal has denied owning something that has been strategically attached to their bodies. In 2019, a Florida Man denied ownership of syringes that were found plugged up into his rectum.
And in 2016, a Florida woman denied that a crack pipe found in her vagina belonged to her. That woman claimed the crack pipe was her friend’s drug paraphernalia and that she was told to hide it from cops.