Florida Gator Coed Offers Cops Blow Jobs To Escape DUI, Charged With Bribery

You know how things go around Outkick, you spend three hours reading a forty page district court opinion on whether or not Tom Brady's four game suspension is legally supportable under the NFLPA CBA, write a couple of thousand words analyzing the ruling, and then you find out that a hot Florida Gator coed -- a philosophy major, depressing field of study after dark -- got arrested for a DUI at twice the legal limit -- she also had pot on her -- and offered three cops blow jobs to have the charges dropped and all of you are going to read about the coed's blow job offer instead of my legal analysis of Brady's case. 

And this blow job post is going to take me eight minutes to complete, tops.

I don't make the rules, I just make money off them.  

Anyway, here are the details from The Smoking Gun. 

"After being transported to the county jail, Arrielle Engert allegedly told Deputy Brian Sudbrink that she would perform fellatio and "other sex acts" if he would not charge her for the two misdemeanors.

As Engert was being processed into jail, a small bag of cocaine was located inside her bra. As a result, she was charged with narcotics possession and introduction of contraband into a detention facility, both felonies.

The discovery of the cocaine allegedly prompted Engert to offer deputies Obed Munoz and Eric Biddle the identical sexual services that were proffered to Sudbrink. The illicit offers to the law enforcement personnel led to the filing of three separate bribery counts against Engert."

Just based on reading these three paragraphs 90% of the male Outkick readers are already in love with this girl. She gets a DUI, has pot on her, then when they frisk her they find out she also had cocaine in her bra and she offers to blow three cops to have the charges dropped?

That's marriage material right there.

It also may be the best offensive gameplan any Florida Gator has come up with in three seasons.  

And if television teaches me anything, this is just like the first episode of "True Detective 2." The girl who offered the blow job will now accuse the police officers of actually soliciting a blow job from her and the guys won't admit that they couldn't have solicited blow jobs because they were all gay and secretly in love with their former soldier buddies from Iraq. Then Tim Riggins gets shot and dies.

Boom. 

Solved this entire case for you.

Furthermore, where does this hot SEC coed get off thinking that blow jobs will get her out of any and all trouble in life? I mean, that only works like 99.9% of the time. Be smarter, Arielle.

Also, don't be from Florida and named after a mermaid and not even spell the mermaid's name right. Because the moment you went and bastardized the little mermaid's name, this was all eminently foreseeable.