VOTE NOW: Elite 8 Breakdown of Woke Sports Media All-Stars

Update: (3-28) Voting is now live for the Nonbinary Regional Final between Pat Forde and Darren Rovell. The committee heard your concerns on voting and we have added a second form of voting for those of you who won’t use Twitter. Votes will be combined and winner/loser will be announced.

 

Toxic Masculinity Regional Final: 

Dan Wolken (-260) vs. Mark Jones (+220)

Nicole Auerbach, who has been on quite a woke bender over the last year or so, stood no chance in the Toxic Masculinity semis against the bad boy of woke, Dan Wolken. It wasn’t a fair fight with Wolken garnering a whopping 89% of the votes against a worthy opponent. Many people know Auerbach’s woke work, but they probably don’t know the name yet, which hurt her. It was an impossible draw against a guy so hated by most of humanity.

Meanwhile, cop-hater, talent-lacking, far-Left moron Mark Jones took care of business in his showdown against man-hater Christine Brennan, whose notorious meltdowns over anything masculine just weren’t enough to overcome the guy who claims he doesn’t want police to protect him because they might blow his brains out.

Most observers believe Wolken wins this one with ease, but don’t forget just how much Jones hates the police, Nick Bosa, and the national anthem. #NeverForget.

Handicapping via: @BeatinTheBookie“While Jones is still relatively unknown, Wolken is to wokeness as Duke is to college basketball, a powerhouse, he should easily move on to the next round.”

Nonbinary Regional Final:

Pat Forde (+165) vs. Karen Rovell (-195)

The Godfather of COVID Fear Porn Pat Forde found himself down early to another ‘VID fear porn peddler Peter King in a vicious Sweet 16 showdown. However, the silver fox came roaring back via the power of fans across the south who’d love to shove Forde in a swimming pool locker, took the win and will now move on to an Elite 8 showdown with one of Clay’s most hated rivals, Karen Rovell. Rovell recently crushed admitted weasel Domonique Foxworth, a young up-and-comer like Loyola-Chicago, minus the nun in his corner.

Rovell rolls into the Elite 8 with a pure hatred that will make this a complete dogfight with Forde whose smug, woke smile wants a piece of basement boy.

Handicapping via: @BeatinTheBookie“Rovell is younger and his enthusiasm shows as he uses his Karen powers multiple times daily, where Forde only comes out in big moments, Rovell’s stamina gives him the edge.”

#MeToo Regional Final:

Keith Olbermann (-175) vs. Mike Florio (+140)

After an entire year of calling for people he doesn’t like to be arrested, the delusional Keith Olbermann crushed Jalen Rose worse than Rose got crushed on the NBA court, topping the NBA talker 92% to 8%. To be fair, sitting next to Maria Taylor might have lowered Rose’s ability to break out the textbook traits of wokeness. Anyway, as always, Keith Olbermann is the worst.

Mike Florio’s quest to one day backup his NBC colleague Rachel Maddow on MSNBC continues. To hold an always-mad-online, I-deserve-every-job, why-are-you-picking-on-me SJW like Maria Taylor to just 37% is impressive. But the voters have spoken: Florio’s PR work for former backup QB Colin Kaepernick outweighs Maria Taylor, who believes she is immune from all criticism.

It doesn’t get further Left and angry than Olbermann and Florio. This one should be good.

Handicapping via: @BeatinTheBookieOlbermann is the power name in this matchup against the lesser-known, yet ultra-sensitive Florio, and while Florio has some crazy takes, Olbermann is the one who consistently shows to up Twitter with takes that make Alex Jones seem like Albert Einstein.”

Gaslight Regional Final:

No surprise, Adrian “F-you” Wojnarowski got beat down and slaughtered by the hateful Jemele Hill. Hill’s resume speaks for itself, and her lack of coverage of Deshaun Watson’s sexual assault allegations speaks even louder. No offense to Shams, but Woj did win the award for the wokest insider of them all.

Jemele Hill (-375) vs. Max Kellerman (+315)

This was a tough one. Experts predicted the thin-skinned, terrestrial radio disaster known as Dan Le Batard would put up a better fight against limousine liberal Max Kellerman. Perhaps falsely claiming the NFL couldn’t handle a season without a bubble, blaming “right-wing agitators” for BLM riots, and calling the SEC dumb won it for Kellerman.

As for the next round, again, this is Jemele Hill.

Handicapping via: @BeatinTheBookie“Not much of a matchup here as the powerful loudmouth Jemele Hill should shut former rapper Max Kellerman up faster than Stephen A Smith does every morning, and unlike the boxers he covers, Max doesn’t hit back, he takes his beatings like the snowflake he is.”

*This post is co-authored by Joe Kinsey and Bobby Burack.

Written by Bobby Burack

Bobby Burack covers media, politics, and sports at OutKick.

29 Comments

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  1. I gotta tell you Joe and Bobby…this is some of the best shit I’ve seen since SNL was relative. I spit out my drink and laughed so hard I almost shit myself!!! Keep it up fellows…you clowns are game changers.

  2. GD this is funny. I like Olberman, Hill, and Rovell advancing to the final 4 w/ the Toxic Masculinity region setting up for a solid battle. I think Woken may have the edge here but don’t sleep on MJ.

  3. Alos we need like a special for this with some experts. Like selection Sunday. I need time to really think about this , this is huge. I need a few hours to sit down in my back yard with a cigar and a beer, this is a historical tourney.We should get like a round table with experts from outkick and one Woke jackhole to be like the Juan Williams of the show. You guys laugh but this is huge, I dont even care about the NCAA tourney anymore. I love it.In closing if Mark Jones losses I am pulling my VIP status

    • Ivan, great comment, I hope they do have a special next year (sadly, I don’t think the wokes are going away anytime soon, so this tourney will be relevant for years to come). And experts to talk about all the ridiculously manipulative things these woke all stars do would be great.

  4. Great insight! this is getting exciting! In the nonbinary region I picked Rovell but I’m surprised how easily he won. Foxworth seems like he himself is nonbinary so as a nonbinary player in the nonbinary region I thought he might have put up a better performance. I’m looking forward to seeing how this plays out. Like many others, I think Jemele has to be the favorite.

  5. I am struggling to pick a winner. This is the most competitive tournament in my life time. All are deserving of winning the championship. Each are extremely impressive woke warriors, prodigious snowflakes and proud members of the Branch Covidian church.

    But I am going to go with Keith Olbermann. One because he is the Grand Dragon of Maskholes and two he misleads beyond reproach. He brags about being a graduate of Cornell which he is. But more specifically he is a graduate of Cornell’s College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CCLAS). Nothing wrong with that. He just never confirms or denies if his concentration was in the Home Economics department of the CCALS.

    He possesses incredible evasive techniques and is such a stupendous POS, that I believe he will win.

  6. On second thought Keith can’t win. He is white. Not just a little white but so white that he is often confused as a white supremacist.

    The championship will come down to Mark Jones and Jemele Hill. Mark’s balls are too soft. I don’t think he can win unless at the last minute he comes out as a transwomen.

    If he can’t reach that level then my winner is the argot that is Jemele Hill!

    • Mark Jones coming out as a transwomen might push him over the top! I agree and we can’t discount that possibility because these wokes are going hard after the crown. some of them even blamed the tragedy in Colorado as an example of white misogyny even AFTER it came out that the shooter was Arab. That is peak wokeness

  7. Well it’s going to be hard to forecast who the winner will be….but if this is a woke challenge the nod has to go to Hill because she is a black woman. It’s starting to look a little too white male at the top.

  8. Mr. Kinsey and Mr. Burack,

    Best. Challenge. Ever.

    Thomas Daly Jr,

    You win the Internet for today with your excellent commentary.

    I’ve got Olbermann, Hill, Wolken and Rovell advancing. Early money has to be on Hill but Rovell and Olbermann won’t go down without a shrieking woke fight.

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