I’ll Die On This Hill: 'Dominick The Donkey' Is Great, But These Holiday Songs Are Pure Trash

Around Thanksgiving is when I start seeking out some Christmas music, and like everyone, I have my favorites.

I like classics. Basically, if Bing Crosby or Dean Martin sings it, it's good in my book.

There's some good "newer" stuff, though. The late Scott Weiland has a great Christmas album, and I enjoy the works of Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

I even like some gimmicky songs that a lot of people hate.

All I'm saying is that if "Dominick the Donkey" comes on the radio, I'm not flipping over to the rock station.

Hell, I might even drop a "Jing-a-di-jing; hee-HAW, hee-HAW" or two.

But there is a lot of serious sonic garbage that gets played this time of year that will not only make me pounce on my radio, but I would do a James Bond shoulder roll out of the car to escape it if the radio wasn't working.

These are the songs that drive me insane. I want to hear yours too, so send them in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

"Jingle Bells" - Barbra Streisand

I don’t know what the f–k Barbra Streisand was thinking when she did this.

What was the idea? 

"Hey, we should take the song ‘Jingle Bells’ and make it several thousand percent more annoying than the original."

Why is she singing so fast and throwing in all kinds of nonsense? Am I supposed to be impressed? I’m not. I just sit there thinking about how much I want it to be over with.

I feel like the target demographic for this song is women in their sixties and seventies who are your mom or aunt and would find something this stupid "cute."

I hate it, and it’s the only thing Barbra Streisand has done that bugs me more than Meet the Parents sequels.

"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" - Spike Jones & His City Slickers

My grandpa introduced me to tapes of Spike Jones & His City Slickers, and I love everything they ever did… except this.

This song doesn’t have enough Spike Jones flair — what, no gunshots?! — and the voice of the kid singing irritates the hell out of me.

The whistling bit is funny the first time, and then it wears thin very quickly.

We get it. The kid has no front teeth! Understood!

Go look up Spike Jones if you’re not familiar with him — and no, he’s not the guy who directed the Beastie Boys "Sabotage" video or the guy who directed Do The Right Thing and loves the Knicks,  that’s Spike Jonze and Spike Lee — you’ll agree that this is far from the high-water mark of his body of work.

Especially all the stuff with gunshots… those are fun.

"Christmas Shoes" - NewSong

What I want out of my Christmas tuneage is simple: don’t bum me out.

Unfortunately, that is what this song goes for, and it goes for the jugular.

It’s a slow, funeral dirge of a song about a kid trying to buy his sick mom a pair of shoes, but he’s too poor to afford them.

Alright, "funeral dirge" may have been a poor word choice…

If that’s not going to get your toes-tapping around the punch bowl at the office non-denominational holiday shindig, then I’m not sure what will.

Look, I can appreciate the message and the sentiment, but when I’m in my car bobbing my head to "Holly Jolly Christmas" — the Burl Ives or Michael Bublé version, I don’t discriminate — the bummer that is this song gives me whiplash.

I need an intravenous dose of The Muppets’ "12 Days of Christmas" just to get back to a proper state of mind.

Any Beatles’ Post-Beatles Attempt At Christmas Music

It’s hard to argue that the Beatles aren’t the greatest band of all time. You can, it’s just hard.

However, when they went their separate ways and tried writing some Christmas tunes, I don’t know if the Monstars from Space Jam sucked out their talent or what, but they had a hell of a time trying to come up with a song that isn’t, as the kids would say, "booty cheeks."

Let’s go through a few:

"Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" - John Lennon

For my money, this is one of the less offensive entries into the Beatles’ post-Beatles Christmas canon, but that’s not saying much.

It’s just kind of a meandering mess with a bunch of the same anti-war platitudes. Let’s all be happy that John didn’t let Yoko unload one of those screeching performances for this one.

"Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney

A lot of people despise this song. I don’t hate it that much, but I’m not going to sit here and try to tell you it's any good.

It’s just kind of a dull, repetitive song with a boring, neither fast nor slow tempo that sounds like Sir Paul wrote it on the can while messing with a Casio keyboard.

"I think I came up with a new Christmas single… and we’re out of TP!"

Read that in a Liverpudlian accent, and you’ll laugh your ass off. Promise.

But how wild is it that this and "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" came out of the same brains that gave us "A Day In The Life" and other masterpieces?

Goes to show how hard it can be to write Christmas music.

"Rudolph the Red‐Nosed Reggae" - Paul McCartney & Wings

I only recently found out about this one, and I wish I hadn’t.

What the f–k even is this, Paul?

I don’t know what to say about this other than it stinks.

"I Wanna Be Santa Claus" - Ringo Starr

I think Ringo gets way too much crap, but this won’t help his cause.

Now, before we move on, let’s shift gears, because there’s one Beatle I haven’t mentioned yet, and that’s George Harrison. His song "Ding Dong, Ding Dong" is pretty good (with a video that’s just… odd), but it might be more of a New Year’s Eve song.

"This Christmas" By Anyone

So, back when I was in college, I worked at a department store when I was home for winter break. The store played Christmas music all day, but they had at least four different versions of this song, and that meant I was hearing some version of it at least 2-3 times an hour.

I remember hearing the opening riff — ba-ba-baba-ba-da-da-dadada — and dropping to my knees and screaming "No!" to the heavens.

That’s an exaggeration, but I do think this song sucks more than a turbocharged Hoover.

I will say, however, that the animated video for this original version is pretty damn cool.

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" - Elmo & Patsy

This might be my least favorite Christmas song of all time.

It's boring, it's a stupid premise, and it's by a guy named "Elmo."

That's three strikes in my book.

Sometimes I'm glad that old biddy was found face down in the snow with hoof marks on her back, but then I realize, had that not happened, there would be no song.

That is why I wish she were still with us… begrudgingly.

…

Merry Christmas, and be sure to send in those songs you hate!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com