Winter Driving Sucks: Starting Your Car Early, Broken Scrapers And Frozen Butts

It's Wednesday, and that means it's time to do some good ol'-fashioned complaining with The Gripe Report.

I don't know how the weather is where you live, but where I live in Central Florida, it's immaculate.

These are the days I think about when it's surface-of-the-sun hot and stepping outside makes you feel like you're being steamed like a bag of crab legs.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

I'm talking 60s and 70s, which is perfect. I've always said that the optimal weather conditions for me are room temperature, but outside.

That's how I like it.

But not everyone is getting dealt the nice, mild hand that I am. Many of you are freezing your absolute balls off.

I sometimes forget this, but Dave in Cleveland was nice enough to remind me of this and how much it totally sucks, specifically as it relates to driving.

I grew up in Pennsylvania, so I have experienced this—though, admittedly, I have mostly blocked it out like some kind of childhood trauma.

So, Dave is going to be our co-pilot today as we take on the worst things about winter driving.

I mean, this looks like so much fun, right?!

Scrapers

Dave is going to get us started with a gripe about one of his must-have items: if you live somewhere where it's common to have temps that dip below 32 degrees, the ice scraper:

We’ve put men on the moon, made countless medical advancements, invented the footlong hotdog, but have yet to create a car snow/ice scraper thingy that doesn’t snap like a twig after the first two minutes of use. I swear I have never had one of these things keep their teeth through a whole season, but I always seem to keep buying them. These car snow/ice scraper thingy companies are all in cahoots, I just know it!

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When I was in college, I went into an Orlando area Kohl's — I can't remember why, probably for underwear or a cheap tie — and they had a mountain of what are basically oven mitts with an ice scraper sticking out the top. Y'know, ideal for wusses or people unaware that gloves exist.

Anyway, I remember thinking, "I bet they're not moving a ton of those," and being glad I didn't need to keep a scraper stashed in my car.

You can't see this guy's face, but I promise you, he is scowling and muttering curse words. (Getty Images)

Dave is right, those things will crap out on you in a hurry, or go MIA when duty calls. Then, in that case, you have to opt for whatever cards you've got in your wallet, whether it's a credit card or an Arby's gift card with 17 cents left on it after a beef and cheddar spree.

It's just a pain, and I'm pleased to report that I haven't scraped a windshield since like 2020.

Battling To Keep Your Windshield From Fogging

Now, this I do deal with here in the Sunshine State, and it always ramps up when the temperature drops.

I like to keep the inside of my car nice and brisk. I also like to have the air blowing on me, otherwise I get a little queasy (I know; I sound like I should be using one of those oven mitt scrapers).

But, around this time of year comes the scourge of foggy windshields. And the only thing I like more than a nice crisp interior car temperature is being able to see out the front windshield so I don't go careening through an old folks home or a bus stop.

Those two things don't mix, which is why I have to give up my nice cool temps in favor of the defroster.

I always try to strike that balance where I get the windshield crystal clear, then switch the AC back on. I just keep doing that back and forth as needed, but it's so annoying.

They make visors and windshields with little heated wires that run through them and are imperceptible to the human eye. This would solve my problem, and therefore, it should be standard on all automobiles at no additional cost.

I have spoken. 

Bro, you can fiddle with those as much as you want, you're still going to have at least one spot. (Getty Images)

Wiper Blades

The ball is back in Dave's court, and he's got a winter wiper blade gripe:

Another thing a nice midwestern winter brings to the table is horrific wiper conditions. No matter what lengths you’re willing to take to maintain a clean wiper and windshield, there will inevitably be one streak that is exactly at eye level in your prime viewing area. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a streak anywhere near the passenger side. One of life’s great mysteries. Don’t even get me started about trying to clean the interior part of a windshield, only to regret everything.

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Isn't it crazy how that one rogue streak will taunt you?

Like, the rest of your windshield could be spotless, and all you'll be able to focus on is that one little spot that, for whatever reason, the Rain X wiper blades you paid extra for and installed yourself to impress your wife can't seem to get.

Then, as he alluded to, the inside of your windshield can become a disaster in a hurry.

The worst thing you can do is go, "Here, let me try and get that little smudge cleared away with the back of my hand."

Next thing you know, it feels like you're staring into a supernova when the lights of an oncoming BMW shine at you.

Having To Go Out And Start Your Car Early

The most frustrating winter car-related thing is, in my opinion, having to start your car like 15 to 20 minutes before you even plan on putting it in gear.

Sometimes you have to do this as a head start, so you don't blow your back out trying to scrape off the bits of ice that are really on there.

Everything about it sucks. You have to slide your schedule up to compensate for the warming-up process, which usually means missing out on 15 minutes of sweet, sweet sleep while also wasting gasoline.

I’m aware that you can get remote starters, but it's the principle of it. I don't like that it has to be done at all.

Do you know when I want to turn on my car? When I’m ready to get in and drive it. 

This man is mentally preparing for the coldest ass of his life. (Photo by Staff/Hull Daily Mail/Mirrorpix via Getty Images)

Snow Always Falling Into Your Car

Once your car is ready to go, Dave has one last absolute pain in the ass that you usually have to suffer through:

And lastly, no matter how hard you work to wipe the snow off your car with the new snow/ice scraper thingy you had to buy because the last one shattered, a poof of frigid snow is going to be sprinkled all over your seat the moment you open that door. You’re going to stare at it for a second, do nothing, and grab a seat. Hopefully, your booty is dry again by the time you make it to work.

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This is like embarrassing yourself by misspeaking during a presentation at work and then having someone run out and pants you.

You've had to suffer through the entire cold-weather car preparation ritual, and that's how you're rewarded. With a cold set of cheeks.

I hate it when you can see an avalanche coming from the roof of your car in slow motion because you were too lazy to clear the top of your car. Then it just plops right on your seat, and you have no choice but to literally sit in it and deal.

The worst.

Seriously, after all of this, how have you all not moved to the Sun Belt?

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That's it for this edition of The Gripe Report! Be sure to come back next time for another batch of piping-hot complaints.

In the meantime, if you've got gripes of your own, send them in: matthew.reigle@outkick.com