Walking Around My Local Mall Has Filled Me With Societal Disgust

I had a much-deserved afternoon to myself a few days ago. My wife was at work and the kid was at daycare, so I thought, what better way to relax a little bit than walk around my favorite adolescent hang out: the mall?

What a stupid idea that was!

For starters, we aren't just talking about your average, Midwestern shopping establishment.

Nay, this is the Sawgrass Mills in Sunrise, FL.

You know, the mall across the street from the Florida Panthers arena that everyone jokes the team actually plays at?

I have no idea why a stroll through one of the busiest malls in South Florida, a melting pot for self-awareness lacking jackasses, was a good idea, but no one ever accused me of being a Mensa candidate, so here we are.

Let's start with the fact that no one in this Godforsaken shrine to consumerism can even walk one foot in front of the other as it is, let alone navigate properly through a crowded mall.

It seems like every mall-goer has three speeds: standstill, gawking snail, and wrong way.

"Standstill" is pretty self-explanatory. I have no clue why every time someone steps out of a store and into oncoming traffic, their brain just shuts off like they had their controller unplugged during a Madden session.

GET OFF THE TRACKS WHEN THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!

"Gawking snail" is my personal least favorite, because at least with a standstill, you can quickly maneuver around them.

With the "gawking snails," every store in the mall is the most immaculate thing they've ever seen, so much so that they have to walk at an absolutely glacial pace, usually five bodies across, in order to take it all in.

Absolutely infuriating!

Then there's the "wrong way" crowd.

We drive on the right side of the road in this country, so my expectations are similar when it comes to walking in a shopping mall, as well.

It flummoxes me how much more efficient mall traffic would be if everyone would just stick to the social code of walking on the right side of the path.

At the risk of sounding like a xenophobe (guilty as charged), it could be due to the fact that 90% of the patrons at Sawgrass are from somewhere in Central or South America.

Outside of Brazil or Argentina, you will never see a higher concentration of Neymar or Messi jerseys in one area.

Nothing will turn you into a far-right, anti-immigration MAGA supporter quicker than a leisurely stroll through the Sawgrass Mills.

Aside from the fact that everyone in the mall is incapable of walking properly and not accustomed to our societal norms, they're also rude and completely disheveled.

No one says "excuse me" when slamming into you after walking the completely opposite direction, and personal space is a foreign concept to large swathes of mall pedestrians.

I had a kid pretend to "cross me up" with an invisible basketball, then immediately slam into a lady with a stroller, laughing without apologizing, and then walk away, presumably to his next victim.

And, of course, everyone walking around the mall looks like the worst our society has to offer.

Unkempt hair, slack-jawed and slouching, with zero effort put into their appearance - both in terms of physique and wardrobe.

I'm not "fat phobic," or whatever term the tolerant left invented to keep doctors from telling people to stop eating themselves to death, but the average mallgoer at Sawgrass looks like they're a couple cheeseburgers away from needing quadruple bypass surgery.

Maybe if they didn't walk so freaking slow they'd burn off a few more of those calories!

I still love shopping malls, or at least the idea of them.

Maybe it's my '90s nostalgia burning bright within me, but I thought reliving some childhood memories at one of the malls I spent so much time at in my younger years would bring me some peace.

It ended up doing quite the opposite, and now I'm regretting it.

The next time you're at a mall, just try to be courteous to those around you.

It may not make a big difference, but it will certainly give me a little more hope for humanity, what's left of it, anyway.