Let's All Relax A Little Bit About The Cow That Scratched Its Butt With A Broom

I look to keep a good, close eye on animal intelligence. I think this is because I'm a big Planet of the Apes fan, so I'm acutely aware of how animal intelligence can go from simple sign language to taking over San Francisco while on horseback.

This is why, when I saw social media blowing up about a cow that was being heralded as the first to ever use a tool, I felt a little sweat on my brow. I mean, there are some cows down the street from where I live. This hits close to home. 

We all saw 2001: A Space Odyssey. It only takes a few thousand years for a species to go from bonking each other's heads with mammoth bones to building nuclear weapon satellites.

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And, yes, most of my knowledge of this topic does come from movies.

So, with a little trepidation, I watched Veronika, the Austrian cow, scratch her own ass with a broom.

That… that was it?

Alright, let's not start handing out mortar boards and popping champagne here. I'm not sure that we've found the next great scientific mind.

That's pretty bright for a cow, but an "Einstein" among her fellow bovines? It's not like cows are all Mensa members (which sounds like the premise for a Far Side cartoon), but is the bar that low?

If I were a cow, I'd be insulted by this.

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And, not to diss Veronika, but I think a big reason we haven't seen a cow scratch itself with a broom is that we never really gave them a chance.

Cows are usually out in pastures grazing and… well, that's about it, but there are no brooms out there.

I bet if we threw brooms within every herd of cattle, we'd be shocked how many immediately picked them up and started scratching their backs. 

They're itchy as hell, and finally, they have something they can scratch with. 

It's not that they were clueless with how to use tools; they just couldn't go to Ace Hardware and buy their own back-scratchin' tools.

A cow named Veronika goes viral for scratching herself with a broom, sparking tool-use hype that’s funny, overblown, and maybe a little premature. (Getty Images)

Also, I know different species of animals have different levels of intelligence, but I feel like many other animals use things to scratch themselves, and have been doing so for quite some time.

My French bulldog, Carl, already kind of does this. If his back itches, he scratches it on the couch. Isn't that kind of the same as using a tool? I'd say it is, and while I love my dog, I wouldn't say he's lighting up an IQ test. 

I have to remind him not to eat his own puke. Quite regularly, too.

I think if I had a small enough broom for him to hold and a pocket full of Beggin' Strips, we could get him pulling a Veronika in a couple of hours.

Alright: a couple of days…

Fine, months.

So, congratulations to Veronika for figuring out tools… sort of.

I just hope it takes her a while before she learns she can sharpen the end of the broom handle into a makeshift spear, which she can then use to take over her small Austrian village.