Stop The Nonsense: Unicycles Aren’t Transportation, They’re A Cry For Attention

This Saturday, I was driving around running some errands when I noticed a family out riding bikes.

"That's nice," I thought. "Certainly better than playing video games, watching TV, or committing crimes."

For some reason, though, my attention was drawn to the dad's bike.

I gasped. It had only one wheel.

He was out riding a unicycle while his kids rode ahead on bikes.

That did it. This wasn't wholesome anymore; it was douchey.

I have nothing against unicycles or the people who ride them for fun, novelty, and as a neat little party trick after they've had a few. What I can't stand are the people who try to use them as actual transportation.

I first noticed this phenomenon when I was a freshman in college. I was waiting to cross a street when a unicycle guy rode up next to me. He was doing that weird back-and-forth unicycle move so he could stay in place and not tip over.

It was a bit of a hike from that crosswalk to the nearest classroom building. At least a quarter of a mile, maybe even half a mile. That should be well outside the range of unicycles. They're really only good for short bursts in circus rings or on tight ropes.

But no, this jabroni was serious about one-wheeling it to general astronomy, and that's when my disdain kicked in. I realized that he wanted this to be his persona. He wanted to be known around campus as "Unicycle Guy."

He probably thought it might lead to merch or even some dates with the ladies milling about campus.

I bet he pictured himself doing a one-wheel ride of shame back to his dorm some morning after a night on Sorority Row.

Not on my watch. Unicycling is a novelty, not a legit form of transportation or personality.

There's probably a very frustrated line of traffic behind this guy. (Getty Images)

He wasn't unicycling for practicality's sake. In fact, Unicycles are behind walking on your hands and riding around in a shopping cart like you're in a Jackass movie on practicality rankings.

Unicycle guys want that one wheel and uncomfortable seat to become their whole personality. They're not content to just bust it out occasionally for a bit of fun. 

No, it's everything. The unicycle consumes them. 

They become the unicycle.

I bet this unicycling dad I saw has a tie with unicycles on itr. He might even have a bumper sticker that says, "My other ride has one wheel…"

I hope I'm wrong… God, help us; I hope I'm wrong.

But I fear that I'm not.

Hopefully those kids on bikes while their doofy dad did his best Bozo impression behind them rebel and stick with two wheels.