Is There Anything Classier And More Frustrating At The Same Time Than Valet Parking?

Well, what do you know? It’s that time of the week again!

It’s another edition of The Gripe Report.

Before we get down to business, we have some other business to tend to.

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Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

This is going to sound like the douchiest gripe in the world, but I’m going to need you to stick with me.

I want to talk about valeting your car.

Now, before you think I go around chucking bags of cash all over the place like the Monopoly Guy. I don’t valet my car that often, and when I do, it’s free. 

I’m Captain Parking Validation.

Sometimes I pick a restaurant for dinner at a hotel just so I can validate my parking. It just feels like I'm pulling one over on the man, maaaaaan.

But I don’t think there’s anything that is simultaneously as luxurious and as frustrating as valeting your car.

For starters, I’ve never been able to do the cool guy move where you toss the valet guy your keys. That’s because anytime I’ve ever done it they come over with a little slip where they need my name and phone number. I get why they do this, but it really kills the cool guy momentum.

It’s the second half of the valet experience where everything goes sideways. First of all, the tip situation never goes off without a hitch. I either A). don’t have cash on me, or B) only have twenties. I want to tip something, but twenty bucks to walk 70 yards and then wheel my 2022 Kia Forte to me while I stand in front of a hotel is a bit much.

One time I asked if I could leave a tip with a card (one place I know does allow this) and was told that I could get the driver’s Venmo account.

What?!

Tipping should be quick. If I have to stand there and trade usernames or QR codes like we’re swapping insurance info after a fender-bender, that’s not quick.

If they’re not going to make tipping as easy as humanly possible, I say no tip.

In about two hours, this woman will find her mirrors are re-adjusted, her seat is a mile away from the steering wheel, and her radio is inexplicably set to an adult contemporary station she never listens to. (Getty Images)

And here’s the other thing I don’t like: you give the driver the tip before you get in your car. Then, once you’re in, and he has pocketed the cash, you realize anything in your car that can be adjusted has been messed with.

The AC is off, the vents are closed, the radio is off or on a random station, and the mirror is askew. Somehow, all of this is after they drove your car for twenty seconds!

The seat is always the biggest one. I can’t explain it, but the seat is always moved back. Never forward. 

I understand if some dude who plays center on the high school basketball team is moving my car, but I have definitely had drivers who were several inches shorter than me (I’m nature’s perfect height of 5’10") slide the seat back.

I think I need to tip after I’m in the car, because I’m going to start deducting one dollar for everything in the car that I have to adjust back to its normal position. 

Alright, enough of my first-world griping… actually, that’s kind of the point of The Gripe Report.

I wouldn't want to touch that thing either, but giving a toilet seat a kick with your New Balances can be a controversial maneuver. (Getty Images) 

Kicking Up The Toilet Seat

Last week, we had a gripe from our own John Simmons about people who flat-out refuse to clean their pee off of public seats.

Tom had a gripe — or a "non-gripe gripe" as he put it — that’s related:

I agree about not pissing on the seat, but what kind of loser doesn’t kick up the toilet seat if he has to pee in the stall instead of the urinal?   This is really a non-gripe gripe.

…

That’s a perfectly valid gripe and an interesting one at that!

That's because there are two schools of thought to this one.

On the one hand, I'm with Tom. Give that seat the boot so it's up and out of the way, so you get a little bit of a run-off area in case things get a little out of hand while you're taking a leak.

We all like to think we can shoot an apple off of someone's head from 100 paces, but the reality is a significant portion of fellas can't hit the bowl of an American Standard from a foot and a half away. 

However, one of my complaining heroes — the great Adam Carolla — who has pointed out over the years that any time your foot enters the bathroom equation, whether you're using it to lift the seat or you're using it to kick open the door , you've just tracked residual pee from the floor onto an area that another person might touch with their hand.

I can see both sides. However, for me, I go with the kick, and that's primarily because I think most people go with the kick. I'm keeping my hands nice and clean… although, I may need to think about burning my Skechers.

Starbucks likes to double up-on-the cups, which is a great idea if you like the thought of coffee sloshing all over your hands. (Photo by Zhang Peng/LightRocket via Getty Images)

Starbucks Double Cups

Alright, time for something we don't do all that often and that's rip a gripe straight from the headlines.

The headline in question? A guy had his molten Starbucks beverage spilled all over his crotch, leading to serious burns on his genitals.

He was awarded $50 million in damages (but I bet you he would have preferred unburnt genitals.

But while I was watching coverage of this, I was reminded of a Starbucks habit that I absolutely can't stand, and that is when they double up on the cups.

They do this because a second cup helps insulate the first cup, thus protecting your fingers from being singed by some center-of-the-Earth temperature Pike Place coffee.

But here is the issue that, for some reason, they haven't devised a remedy for: the lids are designed to sit on a cup. Not two.

So, when they double-bag your beverage, you end up with a lid that wants nothing more than to spring off, allowing your coffee to slosh out all over your hands.

I've had this happen more than I'd care to admit. Fortunately, it has always hit me in the fingers not further south (although, for $50 million…), but it's more frustrating than anything. 

Can we please just go with a single cup, and a paper sleeve? If we need to make the paper sleeve a bit more robust, I think spending a few more pennies per sleeve would still be cheaper for Starbucks than ponying up millions anytime someone accidentally braises their nards.

…

We've reached the end of the line for this edition of The Gripe Report. When the inevitable coffee table compendium of the best editions of The Gripe Report hits shelves, I think this one will be in there. It won't bat lead-off to close the book, but it will be in there, probably somewhere in the middle.

Anyway, as always, thanks for joining us and be sure to send in your gripes on the Gripe Report social media accounts or by emailing them to me: matthew.reigle@outkick.com.