I Can't Stop Watching This Investigative Report On Loofahs In The Villages

One of my favorite things to watch on TV is the local news, and it's because of things like this segment about the infamous loofahs donning golf carts and cars in The Villages, Florida.

My wife and I had just finished watching something (if you must know, it was pro wrestling) when the local news came on. We just left it because, truthfully, we were too lazy to change it, but also because I know that sometimes you can see an absolute gem on local news.

A strange interview, a technical gaffe, hell, if you're lucky, one of the anchors might even swear.

READ: SHOCKING 'YELLOWSTONE' CHARACTER DEATH WAS DO TO EXTREMELY UNEXPECTED REASON

We watched the first segment, which — and I'm not making this up — involved talking to a 10th grader and the general manager of a random taco restaurant if they were excited about the latest Artemis mission, and were about to go upstairs to bed when we saw a tease for the next story.

It was an exposé on the loofahs, which, by now, I thought everyone knew was some kind of shower tool-based sexual semaphore used by horned-up grandparents, but apparently, this is still news to some.

Shocking, shocking news.

It was one hell of a tease, though. I knew I had to see this.

And it did not disappoint.

Give. It. All. Of. The. Awards.

I'm talking Pulitzers, Peabodys, local Emmys. Heck, go ahead and buy it an MTV VMA while we're at it.

There was just so much to unpack.

First of all, I'm a big fan of any Big J journalist who is about to ride off into the sunset and goes with this as one of their final stories.

I bet the bosses at this station were like, "So, what do you want to do? Go to the Final Four? Interview the president?"

"No, I'm getting to the bottom of those loofahs," she probably said.

"Well, that's cheaper… go nuts!"

And go nuts she did.

I had never heard the argument that the loofahs were so you could pick out your car, and that's probably because it's the biggest crock of s--t to ever come out of someone's word hole.

I know most people in The Villages are probably driving older Buicks (just a hunch), but in any given parking lot, how many cars look exactly like yours?

Either one or none. Usually none.

And even if it is the same make, model, and color, do bumper stickers not exist? Magnets? Antenna toppers? 

I mean, just remember your license plate! There's no need to hang shower equipment from your Buick Regal… unless you're signaling to some like-minded retirees what floats your boat when it comes to gettin' it on.

Then we got to the interviews, and boy, did these not disappoint.

Of the three people who got interviewed in that master class, they started with one lady who barely spoke English and tried to give us the whole "It's so I can identify my car" BS.

But then they turned to two old-timers, who I assume are buddies out for a silent platonic male friend lunch, each of whom played this one completely differently from the other.

The first guy in the Orioles hat played dumb and dropped what might be the worst line I've ever heard in my life.

"What's a loofah?" he said. "I'm 82-years-old. Is it like a hula hoop?"

…WHAT?! Is a loofah a hula hoop? 

Is a hammer a refrigerator? Is a pen a cup of coffee?! 

Sir, what do you even mean by that?!

Then his buddy came along and just went with the "Yeah, we like to party; what of it?" angle, which I respect.

I think my favorite thing about this is that you know these were the only three people interviewed. How bad must someone have been to be left on the cutting room floor?

"Yeah, we were going to use this one guy, but one I asked him about the loofahs, he started screaming and hitting himself in the head like Rainman, so we cut it…"

But man, what a segment.

If this doesn't make you want to pop on your local news tonight, then I'm not sure what will.