When Did We Start Letting Morons Design Parking Lots?

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to work off some of those Easter calories with a midweek complaint sesh in this week's edition of The Gripe Report!

We've been at it for over two years now, and so it can be a little tricky to think of new themes for us to complain about.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

So, sometimes, I like to throw a bunch of unrelated or semi-related gripes in a grab bag of bitchin' and moanin'.

This is one of those times.

So, let's get to it…

Fun Fact: No one has ever entered a Trader Joe's without cursing under their breath about how terrible the parking lot is. (Photo by Smith Collection/Gado/Getty Images)

Parking Lot Layouts

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend with parking lots: there seems to be a move toward favoring form over function when designing them.

Which is weird, because the function is pretty damn simple.

Lately, I’ve been encountering parking lots with all kinds of bizarre, unnecessary layouts.

Like weird chicanes for no reason, weird rounded counters, a big sidewalk up the middle of a couple of rows, which, if removed, would allow for another row of parking spots.

It’s just so ridiculous.

I’m not sure when this change was made, but I’m not a fan. Not everything needs to be aesthetically interesting.

I like a big, wide open slab of asphalt. That’s it.

Do you know how much design work that takes?

Grab a pen, draw a rectangle.

Congrats, you just designed a kickass parking lot.

I think this trend started with Trader Joe’s. Absurd parking lot layouts are kind of their thing. The one I go to has two regular rows that are just barely wide enough for you to back out safely, but then it has this weird arced throughway that bisects several rows of parking.

It’s just pure and utter madness.

I’ll never understand what the point is, because no one ever goes somewhere, and the thing they tell their friends about is the parking lot.

"Yeah, so the food at the new steakhouse across town is good, but the parking lot… oh, you simply MUST see the parking lot. It’s the most incredibly designed parking lot, it almost tells a story; it’s just so magnificent."

No. We want big, ugly rectangular slabs of asphalt.

There's a good chance the president of your HOA unilaterally decided to throw these all over the place for no reason. (Photo by BuildPix/Construction Photography/Avalon/Getty Images)

Speed Bumps

I’ve encountered speed bumps my entire life, and I’ve started to realize that I don’t think anyone knows how to use them.

They’re doing some construction on a road near where I live that I take to run some errands. So, I’ve been taking an alternate route through a neighborhood.

The road features several speed bumps or speed tables, but the thing I don’t understand is that they are also combined with crosswalks.

Meaning, the crosswalk is across the very top of the speed bump.

Can someone please explain to me what the f--k the point of that is?

So, I understand that speed bumps are intended to get people to slow down. I don’t think they really do a great job of this for reasons I’ll get into, but this is usually to protect pedestrians, which is something I can get behind.

I’m a staunch advocate for people being able to walk places without taking a GMC Sierra grill to the solar plexus.

But, if the crosswalk — y’know, where the people are supposed to walk — is on top of the speedbump, but by the time it does its thing, the person could’ve already gotten plowed into.

I understand the idea is that it’s a deterrent that gets the driver to stop, but imagine someone is fooling with their AC and doesn’t see it.

A lot of good that did.

I know another place close to where I live that has the opposite problem. The speed bumps come before the crosswalk, which is good, but like 75 yards before the crosswalk.

This means that even if you slow down, by the time you get to the sidewalk it was trying to protect, you’re right back up to speed.

So, again, what is the point?

By the way, that same neighborhood also places an additional speed bump about 25 yards past the crosswalk. It remains unclear as to why, seeing as there's not another crosswalk on that road for several miles.

So whoever installed those has absolutely no clue what they're doing.

I think the problem, at least in these cases, is that these speed bumps are installed by HOAs, and I think we all know that HOAs are usually run by drooling idiots.

"So why don’t you join it, Matt?"

Well, for starters, I rent. Ergo, I don’t think they’d let me join the "Home Owner’s Association" in my neighborhood. 

But, even if I could, I have better things to do than harass my neighbors because their hose reel is in the wrong spot or their mailbox is an unapproved color. 

I mean, the things I have to do are like playing guitar and doing some sim racing, so not much better, but still…

I couldn't find a picture of a gravy or glaze packet, but that's because they get thrown away so fast, no one has time to snap a photo of them. (Getty Images(

Gravy And Glaze Packets That Get Packaged With Meat

Let’s finish up with something that I bet a lot of you encountered on Easter.

For my Easter festivities, I went to the store and grabbed a reasonably-priced ham, which I threw on the smoker and finished off with a peach tea bourbon glaze, because we eat well at stately Reigle Manor.

Now, notice the glaze. The ham I purchased came with a maple bourbon glaze, which I threw in the garbage as soon as I opened it.

Why do they still insist on putting these glaze packets in with hams? I’ve never used one and don’t know anyone who has.

In fact, on the off chance you’re reading this and do use them, allow me to enlighten you: you can find way better recipes online.

They do this same thing with gravy packets in turkeys.

Same deal: you pull it out of the package or the bird’s abdominal cavity and immediately air mail it into the trash can like Steph Curry shooting a three.

For all the whining people do about waste and specifically plastic, why are they doing this?

But, worst of all, they’re actually pulling a fast one on you.

Hams and turkeys are often sold by weight. You do realize they’re using those packets to squeeze a few extra cents out of you, right?

So let’s stop this, and to do it, I’ll give you a head start with the same peach tea bourbon glaze recipe I used. 

It's a version of a recipe from Wilson's BBQ that was meant for pork belly, but I figured it'd work for ham, and I was correct.

It’s so easy, it really isn’t even that much of a recipe:

• A jar of peach jelly, preserves, etc.
• Splash of fresh-brewed black tea (I used Earl Gray, which I like to drink and pretend I'm British, guv'nuh!)
• A small splash of apple cider vinegar
• Dash of brown sugar
• Pinch of salt
• Shot of bourbon (optional, but let’s be honest, we all want to throw it in there)
• Blend it up, and adjust to taste.

That’s it. Throw a couple of coats on your ham and then throw what you didn’t use in a saucepan on the stove to thicken it up and cook out some booze.

Or just serve as is and have a really cool time.

Just, whatever you do, stop using those packets, and maybe they’ll finally take the hint that we don’t want them.

…

That's it for this week's edition of The Gripe Report!

Be sure to send in your gripes for the next one!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com