Drive-Thru Penalty Boxes, A Certain Chain's Refusal To Bring Back Yellow Napkins, And More Fast Food Gripes
Yes, as a matter of fact, I would like fries with that...
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to order up another heaping helping of gripes in this week's edition of The Gripe Report.
This week, I want to talk about something near to my heart, and by that I mean it's likely causing some sort of blockage in a main artery: fast food.
Fast food has been in the news a lot these days, mainly because the folks at McDonald's are coming out with a new burger, the Big Arch.
Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com
This is significant news. I mean, it cracked into the news cycle even though some big stuff is happening right now, like, y'know, a war.
"Things are getting pretty serious in the Middle East… by the way, did you see that new Big Arch. It's got three slices of cheese on it!"
I think it's because McDonald's adding a headlining burger to its rotation happens less often than when they select a new pope, but also because, for many of us, fast food is a necessary evil and indulgence.
Short on time? Fast food.
Don't feel like cooking? Fast food.
Just got some bad news? Drown your sorrows in fast food.
Just got some good news? Celebrate with fast food!
So, let's pump out a few of those frilly cups of ketchup, grab a booth, and try not to make eye contact with the homeless guy washing himself in the restroom, as we discuss some of my biggest fast food gripes…
Right out in the open and accessible to everyone: the way it should be. (Luke Sharrett/Bloomberg via Getty Images)
Places That Hide The Soda Fountain Behind The Counter
This is a new thing, and I absolutely hate it.
Back in what they call "The Day," virtually every fast food joint in the nation put its soda fountains right out in the open.
This was glorious. It meant you could snag a refill, do a little sip-stealing, and even whip up an Arnold Palmer or something.
Not anymore.
I’ve noticed new places are now keeping the soda fountain under lock and key, which, if you ask me, is one of the biggest signs of societal decay there is.
If we can’t be trusted to pour our own Coke Zeros, what can we be trusted to do?
You’d think it would be better because now everything is taken care of for you, but I just don’t think the McD’s folks can nail the proportions I like in an aforementioned Arnold Palmer.
I go heavier on the tea — specifically unsweetened iced tea — and then top off with lemonade.
It is not a 1:1 ratio — that's a rookie mistake — and I think that's what I’d get every single time.
Used to be I could do this dirty work myself, but since they won’t let me hop over the counter like Dillinger and take matters into my own hands, my days of Arnold Palmer-ing at most fast food joints are over.
Sad.
Getting Penalty-Boxed
There’s a weird shame that comes with eating fast food sometimes.
You know it’s horrible for you, but dammit, if a double cheeseburger isn’t the cure for what ails you sometimes?
That said, I don’t like the extra shame that comes from getting sent to the penalty box in the drive-thru.
I’m already not super proud of myself for going the fast food route as it is. Nothing makes that worse than getting to the last window, thinking you’re about to make a tire-squealing getaway into the darkness to shame eat your chalupas, only to be told, "Sir, we’re just going to need you to pull up to this next window while we prepare your order."
Denis Lemieux told us firsthand just how going to the penalty box makes you feel shame, and boy, is that ever true here.
You have to just sit there as customer after customer whooshes by you, judging you.
"Jeez, how much did that guy order?"
"Look at him sitting there waiting for McNuggets like a fool."
"I think I saw that guy here this morning for breakfast… he is devilishly handsome, though. I’ve got to give him that."
These young ladies have no idea how good they've got it… they also probably want to know why some guy is snapping photos of them at Wendy's. (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)
Wendy’s Being Too Stupid To Bring Back Yellow Napkins
I recently saw that Wendy’s was looking to close a bunch of stores. That’s a bummer, but I was also rolling my eyes because they simply refuse to give the people — and by people, I mean me — what they want by making one simple change.
Bring. Back. Yellow. Napkins.
We’ve all kept a wad of fast-food napkins in our center console or glove box at some time in our lives. These days, they’re pretty much always white or brown.
But back in the era historians refer to as "The Day," Wendy’s used to have these weird, pale yellow napkins.
And they were glorious.
In fact, the Yellow Age at Wendy’s was just better in every conceivable way.
I promise you, now that people who grew up in the ‘90s and ‘00s have a little dinero in their pockets (sometimes), they’d see a huge jump in sales if they went back to yellow cups, wrappers, and, most importantly, napkins.
While we’re at it, bring back those weird sunroom solarium things. I have no clue what possessed them to add those, but it was a stroke of Dave Thomas genius.
This is the pinnacle of fast food restaurant design and we all know it. (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)
I yearn for the days when you could eat a burger with square patties while feeling like you’re an iguana sunning itself.
The folks at McDonald’s have figured out the power of nostalgia. That’s why you’ve got adults trying to score Hot Wheels cups and Grimace milkshakes.
Nostalgia is one hell of a drug, and I’d like to mainline some of those yellow napkins while listening to Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here.
Morgan Spurlock's 2004 film <i>Supersize Me </i>is largely to blame for the modern "too cool for school" attitude toward fast food. (Photo by Randall Michelson/WireImage)
People Too Cool To Admit Most Fast Food Is Delicious
Back in 2004, the late documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock made a movie called Supersize Me, in which he ate at the Golden Arches for three meals a day for thirty days.
Spoiler alert: it did not have positive effects on his health.
It killed the Supersize option at McDonald’s and put the fast food industry in a bind.
Of course, if you think about it, no one is eating like that.
Ironically, the one who does is that guy with the ponytail who has eaten Big Macs multiple times a day for decades, and he’s thin.
…Fine, I’ll admit I know his name off the top of my head: it’s Don Gorski. He lives in Wisconsin.
Anyway, I think that has led to this fast-food snobbery where people sometimes have to act appalled at the notion of it, like some English aristocrat getting the vapors at tea time.
"A Whopper?! I would never!"
Look, eating like that every day for a month isn’t going to do the ticker any good, but let’s not pretend like most of that stuff isn’t pretty delicious.
No one thinks you’re cool because you’re trying to paint yourself as too good or too classy to eat a Taco Bell burrito in your car.
In fact, we all know you do it secretly, like the rest of us, when no one is watching.
The rest of us aren't proud, we're just man enough to admit it.
We didn't know it at the time, but this was the apex of menu technology… also, when did McDonald's offer brats and how did they not call it a "McBrat?" (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)
High-Tech Video Menu Board
About a year ago, pictures of a McDonald’s in Alaska that had been closed since the ‘90s started making the rounds, and it had me wishing we would go back to the old-school style of menu boards.
I’m talking about the ones that were brown and required some poor sap to walk out and slide a bunch of placards into slots.
Ahhhh… Those were the days.
Today’s menu boards are way too flashy for my liking. It’s like trying to order a large black coffee, two sausage burritos, and a hash brown from a stadium jumbotron.
Look, I just want some cheap, fast grub. I don’t need to be wowed by your on-screen graphics package.
There was just something about those little slotted menus, which you can sometimes find if you roll into an old school joint.
I’d like to see some chains go analog, and, while we’re at it, bring back a dollar menu where items were actually a dollar.
This picture was clearly taken before 10:30 am local time. (Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty Images)
The 10:30 Breakfast Cut-Off
If I’m being totally honest, eating fast food grub for lunch or dinner tends to send me into a bit of a shame spiral, but, for some reason, breakfast food doesn’t… as much.
I’m not sure why, but I think it has something to do with breakfast food being pretty simple.
Egg, meat, cheese, some kind of potato, done.
In fact, I’d probably be inclined to grab something like that any time of day, but, nope: fast-food breakfast stops at 10:30 AM or 11 AM sharp because apparently, after that, it’s impossible to crack an egg.
Or, let’s be real here, pour some pre-beaten eggs into a mold.
Places have flirted with the idea of doing all-day breakfast, but they always back out, because making breakfast beyond these times is simply a bridge too far.
It’s not like diners around the nation figured it out decades ago or anything…
If we can’t do it all day (you can, you just don’t want to), at least give us a grace period.
I hate that feeling of being like, "Damn, I could go for a McMuffin," only to realize it's 10:28 AM.
You have two options: high tail it to the Golden Arches and pray you get there before they decide "No breakfast for you," or just accept defeat.
I say if you’re going to end breakfast at 10:30, leave a couple of eggs and some English muffins out on the counter for any (often hungover) stragglers.
C’mon, you can make a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich at 10:40.
It will not kill you.
…
That's it for this office-sized order of fast food gripes.
Be sure to send yours in — fast food or otherwise — for a future edition of The Gripe Report!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com