Thanksgiving's Worst: Parade Musicals, Turkey Necks, And The Death Of Black Friday

It's Tuesday, which means that it's time for another edition of the complain-iest column anywhere on the Internet, The Gripe Report!

And not just any Gripe Report, this is The Gripe Report Gripesgiving Gripe-Stravaganza!

…I'm open to workshopping that title, though. And obviously you're reading this on a Wednesday, but let's just go with it.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday on the calendar. It's all about appreciating what you've got and celebrating it with food, family, and football.

Nothing better than that, and it's an idea that's about as universal as it gets.

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But long-time Gripe Report readers will know that just because I love something, it doesn't mean it's un-gripeable.

Nothing is.

So, let's dig into some of the worst things about one of the best holidays there is…

Marching bands and Bullwinkle balloons. That's what America wants instead of songs from crappy musicals  (Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images)

The Musicals Before The Parade

I believe I have watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade every year that I’ve been on this Earth. I don’t feel like my holiday has even started until I see a giant Pikachu or Kermit the Frog lazily floating through midtown Manhattan.

But before they get to the good stuff, we have to sit through some best-of clips from a bunch of crappy musicals.

Now, look, I’m not a big fan of musicals, but it bugs me how everyone else fawns over them. I never hear anyone who likes musicals ever badmouth them. They like them all.

Does every fan of movies like every movie?

I rest my case…

So, most of these musicals are absolute garbage, and we have to sit and watch a bunch of theater kids run around in the street pretending to sing (because it’s always to a track),

And this is entertaining… how?!

Give me balloons, give me floats, give me Al Roker trying not to s–t himself like he did at the White House that one time.

I know they’re killing time until the good stuff gets to Herald Square, but then how about starting the broadcast an hour later?

Boom. Fixed.

Save that crap for the Tonys.

Seating

For some of you with a nice-sized dining table, this will be a non-issue, but I hate setting up the seating arrangement.

My wife and I don’t have a dining room table and just have a kitchen table. Well, we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year with five guests plus ourselves, which is… *counting on fingers* …seven people.

Our table only has enough room for four.

Alright, no problem.

We just have a couple of people sit at the island; we have three barstools, problem solved.

Wrong. That’s where the spread has to go.

So, now I’ve got to have my mom bring a dining table that we have to Tetris into the kitchen, and then I have to go round up some bonus chairs. I think my office chair might even have to tag in for this.

This problem is about as first-world as it comes, but hey, what are you gonna do about it?

"Save the neck for me, ma!" - that kid in the dorky clothes. (Getty Images)

How Turkeys Get Packaged With Their Own Necks Up Their Butts

I love eating Thanksgiving turkey, and this year I’m smoking a whole bird.

I’m really looking forward to it, but I hate the preparation involved, and by that, I mean removing the turkey’s neck from inside its own abdominal cavity.

Is it just me, or is this weird? As far as I’m aware, it’s the only animal that gets this treatment. 

It just seems a little excessive. I know the idea is to keep it for stock or gravy, but I think most people — Cousin Eddie notwithstanding — just drop it in the trash or chuck it in the backyard for the dog.

I don’t know who turkeys pissed off to deserve this indignity, but they must have been very powerful.

Not Being Hungry For An Evening Leftovers Sandwich

I try to plan my Thanksgiving pretty carefully so that it runs like a well-oiled gluttony machine.

I usually don't eat breakfast, and I sure as hell try not to snack too much so that when I sit down for dinner — which is usually at like 1 PM — I'm about ready to gnaw off my own foot.

But after a nice full plate or two, I call it quits. That's because Thanksgiving is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to pace yourself, especially if you want in on one of the best parts of the Thanksgiving food circus, the leftovers sandwich.

Usually, I'm ready for one of those by about the time the late game football game is happening, but some years I muff my food schedule and end up not being able to eat one.

It's sad. It's like missing out on a big game because of injury, only that injury is just a lack of self-control.

Fortunately, you just make a leftover sandwich on Friday, but there's just something magical about slapping together leftovers while everyone's either drunk or in a food coma on Thursday night.

Plan accordingly.

Going Around The Table And Giving Thanks For Stuff

Don't get me wrong, this is a nice thing to do, but it never fails that I'm at the end.

By the time they get to me, all the good things to be thankful for have been used up. Stuff like family, friends, having food to eat, and the dog are all taken, so by the time it gets to me, I'm like, "Uh… there's a new Simpsons movie coming out in a couple of years."

Don't put people on the spot like this. Just assume everyone is thankful for family and having food.

Also, the Cowboys covering the spread is usually appreciated.

Bring back this Black Friday. I don't need to take part, I just want to watch.  (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

Black Friday Being Dead

Black Friday is a nice little follow-up to the Thanksgiving festivities, but it's not what it once was.

Trust me, even though I like paying less for things as much as the next guy, I hated getting up at 3 AM to fight other cheap-asses for Blu-Ray players.

However, I enjoyed watching the cheap-asses duke it out from afar.

I miss the days of lunatics camping outside of Best Buy a week before Thanksgiving because iPods are slightly cheaper than normal. Then, when the poor sap who drew the short straw and has to work that night/morning/day opens the door, you'd get a stampede that made Pamplona's Running of the Bulls look like a leisurely cakewalk.

Online shopping is great, but it killed this version of Black Friday. The deals are still there, but won't someone think of the weirdos in the camping chairs outside of Walmarts, the fights over Tickle Me Elmos, and the trampling?! 

Those were the days…

…

I hope you, your family, and your friends all have a great Thanksgiving.

See you back here next week, and if you've got any complaints in the meantime, send 'em in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com