Skydiver Gets Kicked By Kangaroos, Al Roker's Midair Prison Snack & A Startling Elevator Revelation

I hope your week is off to a heck of a start, and if it isn't, hopefully a nice Tuesday afternoon dose of Nightcaps will cure what ails you.

I'm filling in for the great Amber Harding today as I get my work week started after a nice weekend getaway with the wife.

We hopped over to Universal's Epic Universe for some rides and grub and had a great time. 

However, I did realize something I've always been a fan of, and that's the elevator-close button.

I love that thing. Let's be honest, no one wants to share an elevator ride with strangers, and that's why I will mash that door close button like I'm wailing away on a Street Fighter cabinet, and I have no problem if people use it on me. In fact, I appreciate it. It saves me from either having to invade their space all the way up to the rooftop bar or from having to say "I'll wait for the next one," which I'd argue is more awkward.

That move leaves the person in the elevator thinking, "Do my pits stink? Do I have something in my teeth?" for the rest of the day.

But I had a realization about my beloved button that has left me feeling like I got unplugged from the Matrix.

My wife and I were heading down to breakfast when a large group was walking behind us to the elevator. We got there first, and as soon as we entered, my wife started feverishly hitting the door close button.

This is one of the many reasons I married her.

However, despite her probably hitting this button a dozen times in just a few seconds, nothing happened.

The door took its sweet old time closing — in fact, I think it took as long as if we hadn't pressed the button — and that group nearly made it into the elevator with us.

Then it hit me: Does that button not do anything?

I feel like I've encountered that before, where I hit the button, and nothing happens. Usually, I'm just hitting the button so I don't have to share awkward silence, or worse, awkward conversation with someone on my trip downstairs for lobby coffee.

But what if I really needed that door closed? What if, for some bizarre reason, some machete-wielding lunatic who is hell-bent on chopping up very handsome and funny writers is chasing me down the hallway? My only means of escape is the elevator, so I hop in and start hitting the button. 

But it does nothing.

Hypothetical machete man gets to the elevator with me and chops me up into Alpo… or god forbid, starts making small talk and good-natured quips about the weather.

Just a heads-up in case your life or sanity depends on that button. It might leave you out to dry.

Now, enough of my petty griping (there's more time for that in The Gripe Report, which you can find every Wednesday morning), let's have some fun.

Kane Reminds That Kangaroos Hate Skydivers

Sometimes I wish I had gotten to spend more of my life in pre-internet times, but then there are times like this when I hop on X and Knox County, Tennessee, Mayor Glenn Jacobs — AKA WWE Hall of Famer Kane — shares a video of some kangaroos attacking a skydiver, and I'm like, "Nah, these are cool times."

I think I pretty much spelled it out for you, so here's the clip, courtesy of Mayor Jacobs.

Bah gawd! Who turned those Kangaroos to kill mode?!

Now, I have to assume that this clip was recorded in Australia. It's just a hunch. I mean, in theory, some skydiver with some seriously bad luck could have touched down in a kangaroo sanctuary somewhere else in the world, but I'm sticking with Australia.

You don't mess with kangaroos, man. They're the only animal that has boxed humans and won.

I'd love to go to Australia someday, but this video does nothing but throw some gas on my theory that every plant and animal there wants to kill me.

Sharks, crocs, poisonous egg-laying mammals.

Even koalas have this stink-eye look on their face because they want to kill us, but are just a little too small and weak to do it.

Unless they power up Popeye the Sailor Man-style on some eucalyptus.

That skydiver's feet were barely on terra firma before that kangaroo came in and tried to put a foot through his solar plexus. It's terrifying.

Also, I hear Vegemite is awful.

I Can't Stop Watching Dakar Rally Clips

While we're on the topic of dangerous activities in dangerous places, I have to mention that I think I'm addicted to watching clips from the Dakar Rally.

Now, if you're an OutKick regular, you may know that I'm a big motorsports guy. However, I'm not as well-versed in the world of rally racing.

That said, every January, I become obsessed with watching Dakar Rally highlights because it might be the craziest event on the planet.

You've got motorcycles, cars, and even semi-trucks racing through the Saudi Arabian desert. If that wasn't dangerous enough, the race had to move from its original location in Africa due to threats of terrorism.

It's insane in the best way, and the clips it produces are incredible.

Fun fact: that last clip was of Carlos Sainz Sr., a legendary rally driver and the father of Williams Formula 1 driver Carlos Sainz Jr.

How about the boulder-sized stones you need to do something like this?

It's two weeks of this with drivers having to change tires, do repairs, and even help pull stuck competitors out of the sand.

It's just pure insanity, and it wraps up later this week.

Here's Another Reason To Be Annoyed By Stephen King

Now, I like Stephen King's work. There's no denying that he's one of the most important writers of the last 50 years. I even think his half-memoir, half-book of advice for writers called "On Writing" is a must-read for anyone who wants to get into writing or anything creative.

That said… Ol' Stevie has some screws loose, especially when it comes to politics.

He has TDS badly, but I've come to tune him out when he goes on political screeds.

By the way, it's weird that one of our greatest living writers tweets like your woke aunt.

But I found another reason to roll your eyes at the Master of the Macabre, and it has to do with his music tastes.

I can deal with the TDS, but I draw the line at the Master of the Macabre hating on the godfathers of heavy metal. (Getty Images)

King is known to be a rock guy, and while promoting a recent adaptation of his book, The Long Walk (which featured fellow TDS victim Mark Hamill), King was asked what his playlist would be if he had to take part in a long walk like the one in the book and movie.

"Now, I’d load my playlist with AC/DC, Rancid, Metallica, Stones, (Bruce) Springsteen," he said. "Not Black Sabbath," he said, "I never liked them."

Dude… I will not stand for Sabbath slander.

Sure, everyone has their own tastes, but how is the guy who is known for his work in horror like, "Meh, I don't care for that band that pretty much laid out the blueprint for heavy metal and its use of horror imagery."

They even got their name from a Boris Karloff movie!

This take reeks of trying to be "cool" and contrarian, especially when you give Metallica the thumbs up. Sabbath is one of their biggest influences.

Anyway, to each their own, but here's another strike against Stephen King, along with him definitely not ripping off the plot of The Simpsons Movie for his book Under the Dome.

Philly Has Its Newest Star… Too bad He's Not On The Roster

We got a great crop of playoff football games this past weekend, but we need to tip our caps to one of the most advanced Philadelphia Eagles fans I've ever seen.

I grew up not too far from Philly and tend to root for Philly teams, so I know that it takes a certain type of person to deal with the roller-coaster of emotions that is being a Philly sports fan.

Well, this youngster who went on the news after the Birds' Wild Card round loss to the San Francisco 49ers couldn't be much older than middle school age, but is already a Philly fan at a collegiate level.

Community college, but still.

The kid's name is Sam Salvo (already off to a hot start) and ripped on the team for ruining his Christmas present.

"I'm feeling two things: I want A.J. Brown packing his bags, and I want him somewhere else that is not here. I love you, A.J., but you can't make those drops in that game," he said. "And I also want Kevin Patullo flipping burgers at like the local McDonald's or something, I don't care."

It's one thing to say, "This guy sucks, that guy's a has-been," but Salvo is talking smack at an advanced level.

Say what you want about Philly fans, but you don't see such advanced s--t-talking in many other cities.

Is Al Roker Wrong For Playing Mid-Air Iron Chef?

If you ask me, your primary objective aboard any flight is to not make your fellow flyers want to round-house you in the chops.

Do this however you see fit, but I don't know that going all Giada De Laurentiis and whipping up midair pie like Al Roker is going to accomplish this objective.

I will always respect Al Roker for one reason and one reason only: he admitted that one time he shat his pants at the White House. I'm sure that has happened to many over the years — I suspect it was a semi-regular occurrence for LBJ — but credit to him for coming clean (or unclean, I'm not really sure in this case).

But I don't like what Al does on flights.

Roker recently revealed that he likes to whip up Key Lime pie at 30,000 feet using Biscoff cookies (He called them crackers, but they're cookies, right?) and lime wedges that I assume are used to garnish normal people's gin and tonics.

"Here's a little tip for you: Take a couple of Biscoff crackers, cut a lime in half, and squeeze it onto the Biscoff," Roker said. "It's like you're having the crust of a key lime pie."

Imagine seeing this first hand and reporting back to your friends: "Yeah, I sat next to Al Roker on a flight… he was nice, but… he kept squeezing limes onto Biscoff cookies and telling everyone it was pie… Not sure what that was about. First, he shat his pants at the White House and now this!"

I think this falls short of accomplishing the commercial airline flyer's primary objective because it's weird behavior, plus he's probably jostling around a bunch and asking people for their unused lime wedges.

This sounds like prison food. Does Al also have a pro tip for how to make wine on planes by pouring orange juice in a plastic bag with a piece of bread in it and sticking it in front of an open window?

I mean, I like pie too, but I go months without eating it sometimes. It's wild that Al hops on a Southwest flight and can't go a few hours without trying to make pie using cookies, garnishes, and his imagination.

…

That's it for this edition of Nightcaps. I hope you had as much fun as I did.

Now, I'm off to score myself a slice of Key Lime Pie. 

The real kind. Not the Al Roker pretend kind.