Red, White, And Boom Boom: On Sex And Family Values In America

When I was in college, I spent a summer abroad in the UK working in a school-sponsored exchange program with other Americans. Assuming there would be lots of piss to be taken and revolutionary banter to be had with the Brits, the gang and I dropped into London for the Fourth of July, and boy were we right.

I don’t know if it’s an annual tradition there, but that summer (2008), huge swaths of London had transformed into a massive red, white, and blue gay pride parade. Drag queens, kink fetishes, and barely-there costumes galore lined the streets of London, all of which were tied together with American patriotism as the butt of the joke.

A few of the girls in our party didn’t catch on that the pageantry was actually a mockery as they gleefully exchanged patriotic pleasantries. Of course, their genuine American pride was met with ironic eye rolls, but who cares? We won the war, baby, so if they want to make our holiday into some weird sex thing, then have at it. We get to play with all sorts of fun explosives like snicker bombs, church burners, and finger blasters while they’re stuck…well, you get the idea.

On second thought, I’m a big proponent of leaning in to peoples’ criticisms instead of fighting them; embracing the hate and flipping it on its head is the best way to skip the battle altogether and win the war. And since our ancestors already won the real war, I’ve decided to turn the mockery into an opportunity to bring sexy back to the side of patriotism as well.

It seems to me that the same blokes wearing stars and bars banana hammocks back then are often the kinds of folks who criticize America domestically as well. Not gays or lesbians per se; but the current iteration of queer activist whose obsession with sexual oppression fuels their hatred for our great country.

They’re the kinds of people who never stop talking about sex, but think that bringing a baby into this oppressive world is a bad idea. Of course I’m generalizing, but you know the types: America is inherently evil because it’s slow to legitimize my niche fetish, and therefore it’s time to burn it all down and start over. (As if starting a new country is as easy as joining Instagram.)

What they fail to realize is that few people are actively campaigning against them at all—most regular Americans are just going about their days trying to provide for their families and enjoy their lives. But since they're sure that the alt-right boogeyman is out to get them, very normal human tendencies that conservatives tend to appreciate become targets for leftist rage. As such, family values have been weaponized as a symbol of alt-right bigotry, despite sex being the common denominator that has always created the family in the first place.

As with all leftist narratives, the final product sounds rock hard to shortsighted fools, but always goes flaccid under the hot lights of scrutiny. I’m tired of fighting the silly battles of hypocrisy day in and day out; this Independence Day weekend marks the beginning of a new strategy: whether by twilight’s last gleaming or dawn’s early light, we’re hittin’ the sack and making some patriot babies.

That’s right, the best way to fight the crazy changing tides of culture is to release your little swimmers upstream and make your own army of George Washingtons and Thomas Jeffersons. Let your lovely lady light your red rocket until it gallantly streams, and then revel in your beautiful, growing family of patriots as they bless your life.

Christmas and Valentine’s babies may get all the attention, but a child conceived over this long weekend is sure to be a legend. Every culture has their old wives tales about making babies, like how to guarantee a certain gender or make sure it’s athletic. Think of these tips as an extension of that; but instead of physical attributes, all that matters here is the baby comes out lighting charcoal grills and singing Lee Greenwood.

So without further ado, here are some creative role plays to get the mood juices flowing and better guarantee that you get to raise your own freedom-loving rug rats like the flag at Iwo Jima.

The Sandlot

Drift out to sea and have your lady “save” you from drowning. Then while she’s hovered over the top of you saving your life, plant a big 'Squints Palledourous' on her while she calls you a little pervert. Be sure to let everyone in on the gag ahead of time, especially the real lifeguards at the pool or beach, or you may get banned for life. Either way, though, you will have kissed a woman, and you will have kissed her long and good. Later in the evening, as the fireworks light up the night sky and she stops to stare, you can channel Benny the Jet, stay focused on the game, whisper those words every woman wants to hear (I pickled the Beast), and slip her something else long and good. She may even call you a pervert again, but at least you’ll be a pervert who hits bombs and loves his country.

The Forrest Gump

Here at OutKick, we have this crazy idea that everyone is equal, and that bigotry perpetrated in the name of progress is just more bigotry. We try not to get our lips caught in a tripwire, but there’s a lot of commies out there hiding in the media jungle, ready to rip off a million dollar wound if given the chance. So in the interest of fairness, this particular role play is all for the ladies.

Gals, go do whatever the hell you want this weekend. Climb a tree, play some naked guitar, jump into the pool with all your clothes on. While he’s playing ping pong with the boys, you should be partying like it’s 1969. The wilder you are, the more your man will pine for you. Then at the end of the night, pretend you’re both back in college and you’re sneaking him into your dorm. Ask him if he’s ever been with a woman before as you press your cleavage up against him. If all goes according to plan and you’ve been adequately annoying all day, hours of pent up frustration should come swirling out like a hurricane in the Gulf. The love making won’t last long, which is good because you’re probably very tired by this point, but it will be potent with patriotism. Tell your shrimp-boat captain you love him as you drift off to sleep. True, the party will be over for nine months, but a lifetime of good luck and family values await.

The Braveheart

This one is all about channeling your inner Mel Gibson and going for it. While not an American himself, William Wallace was still a man of principles and passion, so to pull this one off you have to really commit. Don the accent and learn the famous speeches. (One chance, just one chance!) Channel your inner Wallace by standing up to the tyranny of sobriety and soy burgers. Light off fireworks with your brethren, and throw some rocks for good measure. Like the English forces, your lady will likely be annoyed by your antics at first, but will eventually come to respect your dedication to life and liberty. As the evening draws to a close, have her tie you down to the bed and ask for any last words. Then, in your moment of sweet release, unleash your mighty roar which will carry your little soldiers past Longshank’s forces once and for all.


Thanks for coming by on your holiday weekend, and I hope the fireworks in the bedroom match the fireworks in the sky tonight. This column was chock full of stupid jokes, but the spirit of the piece remains true: we need strong families right now. Strong families build strong communities, and strong communities are the foundation for a strong country.

If you’ve been putting off meeting a neighbor or getting involved in something local, give it a shot this weekend. There’s a lot of love in this country that doesn’t get reported in the news. They say you get what you give, so if you want a badass brood of Hacksaw Jims and Lady Liberties running around, then be sure to give a little of yourself first.

We’re all very blessed to live here, happy and free, but that blessing only lasts if we put it to good use. So spread some love this weekend. After all, they say a happy man is immune to mockery.