Ranking The Five Best Nights Of Sleep You'll Ever Have
No drug will ever deliver the euphoria that comes from a full night of sleep.
For the first time in my 33 years of life, I got food poisoning on Monday night.
It was miserable. I would recommend doing everything you can NOT to experience it yourself.
Between the half dozen times I vomited and the fact that I was pissing out of my rear end every 20 minutes as well as having to comfort my son because I was forced to use his bathroom (since my wife also had food poisoning and was occupying our master bathroom), I didn't get a lick of sleep.
My son was fine, by the way, thanks to being a picky eater that night (thank God).
The next day was some combination of body aches, a low-grade fever, and zero appetite, but that following night as I started to feel better, I had perhaps the best night of sleep I'd gotten in quite some time.
Was it worth the all-nighter spent on my son's bathroom floor the night before? No.
But, it did get me thinking about some of the best nights of sleep we as humans could experience, so I thought I would rank them for you.
And who says I don't suffer for my craft?
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5. Leg Day Sleep
If you aren't a gym goer, you've never experienced a night of sleep after leg day, and for that I am truly sorry.
There are few things more rewarding than the deep sleep you get after absolutely abusing your legs in the squat rack earlier that day.
Yes, it sucks to walk up and down stairs and getting on and off the toilet feels like a workout in and of itself, but it's all worth it.
If you've been having trouble sleeping lately, forget melatonin!
Just load up a bar, squat that bad boy, and I guarantee you'll sleep better than you have in years that night.
It's science!
4. First Night In A Hotel Bed
This one hits even harder if you're the one doing the driving to said hotel, but any sort of travel will absolutely wear you out.
Fear not, weary traveler! Your hotel bed awaits.
There is nothing quite like checking into a hotel after a long day of flying and/or driving, tossing everything on the floor, cranking that A/C down as low as it will go and just burying yourself in a hotel bed.
My wife and I will start openly fantasizing about taking a "staycation" every time we drive past a decent hotel, even if it's down the street from where we live.
Hotel beds are that sacred in our household.
You may not all agree, as some people prefer the feel of their own linens, but for my money, few sleeps can top that first night of sleep on vacation.
3. The Sleep After An All-Nighter
Anyone who has ever spent even a single semester at a four-year university knows all about pulling all-nighters.
Maybe it's during finals week, or maybe you are just trying to "reset your sleep schedule," but either way, there is a good chance you stayed up for 24 hours at least once in college.
My most memorable all-nighter came as a result of the latter of the two examples I listed.
My sleep schedule was absolutely F.U.B.A.R., and I needed to correct it before the home stretch of a very important semester.
So, I stayed up all night and took some espresso shots while watching Seinfeld reruns with my roommate to help me power through the day.
Unfortunately, I forgot I was supposed to drive home later that day for a family friend's birthday party, so in addition to pulling an all-nighter, I had to drive three and a half hours down I-95.
It wasn't the smartest thing I ever did, but 32 hours, a bleary-eyed road trip, and a party I can barely remember for all the wrong reasons later, and I was gifted with one of the greatest nights of sleep I will ever be a part of.
2. The First Night Of Sleep Post-Illness
I alluded to this earlier, but it's crazy how much that first night of sleep slaps after being sick.
I was tempted to put the sleep you get while you are sick, but there are too many things going on with your body that are bound to make sure you don't get a good night's rest.
However, the first night of sleep after you start to feel better is like a factory reset for your body.
The night after my bout of food poisoning, I slept nine hours and woke up feeling like a man with a brand-new lease on life.
It goes for any illness, too. The night after your fever breaks from the flu is some of the most peaceful sleep you will ever experience.
Again, I wouldn't recommend food poisoning to my worst enemy, but the sleep you get after the fact is ALMOST worth it.
Almost.
1. The First Night Your Child Sleeps Through The Night
Much like people who don't go to the gym, some people will never have children. And that's okay.
It's not for everyone.
However, those of you who do have children will be aware that no night of sleep will ever top the first time your child decides not to wake you up in the middle of the night.
I will never know joy quite like when my son slept through an entire night.
My wife woke up in a panic thinking that he might have been kidnapped, but, after having to get up with him at every hour of the night over the first six months of his life, I was in ecstasy.
No drug will ever recreate the feeling of sheer bliss and euphoria I experienced that morning, and I doubt I'll ever come close to it again.
I've seen my teams win championships, I've graduated from college, and I've even gotten married, but getting eight hours of deep sleep for the first time as a parent will never be topped.