Why 'Straight Ahead' Signals Could Save Parking Lots, Lives, And — Most Importantly — My Sanity

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for another edition of the column where sweating the small stuff is not only encouraged, it’s mandatory, The Gripe Report.

I’ve got a simple topic for this week: Parking.

The simple act of pulling my car into a spot, stopping it, and turning off the engine, and the rage that comes from it, has probably taken a couple of years off my life.

The reason I get so bent out of shape over it is that it should be so easy. We have a bunch of lined spaces on the ground. I pull my mint-condish 2022 Kia Forte into one of said spots, and that is the end of it.

If only it were that easy.

Got a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

 There’s always something, and I’ve got some things that have driven me nuts in just the last few weeks that need addressing.

Yes, these are parking gripes from the last two weeks or so.

It’s the worst.

Which one do you hit this f--king thing so people know you're just going to drive straight ahead?! (Getty Images)

The Lack Of An ‘I’m Going Straight Ahead’ Signal

My fiancée and I had a day of errand running, and it culminated at one of my least favorite places on Earth, the outlet mall.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of outlets. You’ll never hear me complain about paying less for things, but I would rather be drawn and quartered than go to these outlets. While they’ve got some solid stores, the entire place is absolutely packed whenever I go there. 

It’s overrun with tourists. That is a dumb thing to complain about when you live in Orlando, Florida, one of the biggest tourist hot-spots on the planet, but this place is bad by the lofty standards of the City Beautiful.

I’ve experimented with going on weird days at weird times, and it’s always an experience I would like to have erased from my mind with one of those Men In Black pens.

On this Monday, just after lunchtime, we pulled in and saw a parking lot packed fuller than JB Pritzker's fridge. I expected this, so I just calmly and handsomely drove down the lot until I picked a random row and started looking for spots.

The back of this parking lot is lined with spots as well, which means that there’s a long line of parking spots perpendicular to the regular parking lot rows.

If you’re more of a visual person, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a diagram on the back of one of the spent pages from my Far Side desk calendar.

A diagram of a very handsome writer's parking log conundrum for visual learners. (Credit: Matt Reigle)

That is one kickass diagram… 

Okay. As I got to the end of the row, I saw a guy loading bags into the trunk of his red Ford Mustang. He looked in my direction, so I waved and pointed at the spot. He nodded and gave a thumbs-up, letting us know that he was leaving and that we could have his spot.

That was nice of him, but here’s the problem. Usually in a situation like this, you just sit there with your turn signal and all the other ̶l̶o̶s̶e̶r̶s̶ shoppers circling the parking lot like sharks know that that particular soon-to-be-empty spot is spoken for.

But I was in one of these perpendicular lanes, and the mustang was almost directly in front of me. There was no way for me to signal because I was going straight.

We need an "I’m going straight ahead." You obviously wouldn’t leave it on all the time (although some old lady would), you just need it when the situation calls for it.

This was one of those cases.

A few cars passed us as the Mustang guy backed out of the spot, but as soon as he had popped that pony car into gear, some lady in an SUV prepared to steal the spot.

For a moment, I considered throwing on the four-way flashers, but I didn't think that would send the message I wanted.

So, I went the charade route and started gesticulating wildly at the lady not to take the spot, while my fiancée stuck her head out the window and yelled at her.

This got her attention and she backed off, but not without very clearly calling us "f–king" something or others.

We got the spot, but it got me thinking about how if I had a signal to let people know I was going to be moving directly forward, it could have prevented a potential road rage incident.

So, my "straight signal" could save lives.

At the very least, it would save me from having to wave at some lady like a madman so she doesn’t steal my spot.

This guy is trying to impress those women by showing them his digital parking pass. I don't think that move will work out for him, but at least he was smart enough to know you should buy those in advance. (Getty Images)

People Who Still Don’t Get That You Need To Pay For A Parking Pass In Advance At Large Venues

Less than a week before the trip to the outlets, I had another nightmare parking situation. I made the trip to Downtown Orlando to see a preseason NHL game between the Tampa Bay Lightning and Florida Panthers.

Unlike the outlets, tourists rarely venture into Downtown Orlando (and locals usually only do it for a game, concert, or jury duty).

Normally, going to events at the big arena downtown — the Kia Center, which is where the Magic play — is pretty simple. There’s a garage connected ot the arena, so you park and walk right in.

However, on that Tuesday night, a lot was going on. The game was at the arena, while a few blocks east, there was a big theater with a touring production of The Wiz. 

A few blocks west of the Kia Center was a Chris Brown concert at the 60,000-or-so-seat Camping World Stadium.

So traffic was a complete nightmare. In fact, the arena even sent texts and reminders on social media to leave early because of all the traffic.

I thought I'd done just that.

I was mistaken.

It was a madhouse. I spent an hour trying to go about three blocks. It was enraging, but I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel when I was about to finally pull into the parking structure.

Again, I was mistaken.

The truck in front of me pulled up to the attendant, but they didn’t do what any prepared person would do, which is flash their digital parking pass they bought through Ticketmaster for $28, let the person scan it, and then start climbing to the top of the parking garage.

Nope. Despite signs telling everyone that the garage was sold out and you could only park there if you had a pass, this douche pulled up to the attendant and wouldn’t budge. The poor lady in the plexiglass booth who doesn’t get paid enough to deal with idiots who can’t come to terms with life in 2025 had to flag down a co-worker. When that didn’t get the dummy in the truck to budge, she flagged down a supervisor.

Meanwhile, the very handsome writer who just wanted to get into the arena to get something to eat and watch warm-ups after sitting in traffic for over an hour had to sit there with a vein pulsing in the lid of his right eye, which was twitching in anger.

After several minutes of sitting there stationary, doofus (not me, the truck guy) finally got the memo that there were no parking spots for him and begrudingly left the garage.

I don't think I totally chilled out until about the halfway point of the first period.

Although part of that may have been the people behind me who wouldn't shut up and talked about everything except hockey.

Ugh… what a night.

What a week.

…

That's it for this week's edition of The Gripe Report. I need to take some Advil and lie down after that one.

Anyway, if you've got any gripes of your own, be sure to send them in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com