If You Text ‘Can I Call You?’ You Might Be a Monster, And Other Communication Gripes

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to celebrate the midway point of the week by letting 'er rip on all the things that are bothering us with The Gripe Report.

I decided that this week we're going to talk a little bit about communication.

Communicate about talking, as it were.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

However, I want to focus primarily on electronic communication. Phone calls, texts, emails. I find that they have a constant presence in all of our lives, and not always a great one.

It's impossible to escape, and that usually means it's ripe for the bitchin'.

And — what do you know — it is!

So let's dig in with one of my big ones, which actually combines texts and phone calls into one easily gripeable package.

'Can I Call You?' Texts

I’m of the generation where I rarely talk on the phone. If I do, about 75% of it has something to do with work.

The other 25% is mostly calling places to schedule appointments or deal with customer service, or getting an actual personal call.

However, I find that most of the time someone gives me a personal call, it’s not a good thing.

Texting is ubiquitous, but it has not become the de facto way to deliver bad news. That’s why anytime I get a text that asks, "Can I call you?" I immediately start panicking that something is wrong.

It usually isn’t, but the time between the text and the actual call is spent working through all of the worst-case scenarios.

I understand it’s a courtesy thing, but if I can’t talk, then I won’t answer. And, if I can talk, I’ll answer and save myself that period of intense anxiety, and assuming everyone I know has been maimed in some horrible industrial accident.

I don't know what this guy is flapping his gums about, but I promise you it could've been handled with a text. (Getty Images)

Calls That Could’ve Been Texts

I feel like this gripe rides shotgun with the texts about getting a phone call, because I have received a lot of phone calls that could've easily been text messages over the years.

You've got to put yourself in the other person's shoes sometimes. Sure, you may not want to type things out, but do you think they want to stop what they're doing to yammer on the phone with you?

Plus, we have a technological breakthrough called "talk-to-text" that really makes that argument obsolete.

Sure, there are some things that you don't want to text someone, but that usually involves some kind of death or medical test results.

Asking what they want for dinner. That's textable.

Hell, even driving isn't an excuse on this front anymore. Most cars made after 2018 or 2019 have Apple CarPlay or Android Auto and will gladly read your messages to you and transcribe your responses.

So, next time you feel like you need to make a phone call, take a beat to assess whether or not it's text-worthy.

It probably is.

Chain Emails

I always think of these as the true precursor to social media and memes.

Sure, there was a time when these were fun and cutting-edge, but now they just make you think you probably have a CompuServe email address.

Most just aren’t that funny, and I hate the call to action at the end, especially if there’s a veiled threat that comes with it.

"If you don’t send this video of a squirrel waterskiing to six friends, there’s a chance you’ll be chopped to pieces by a maniac wielding a rusty machete."

Now I just subjected another half a dozen people to whatever nonsense was in that email because I'm not going to not get diced apart by a rusty machete.

Just playing it safe.

Look, if you're going to try and scam me, don't insult my intelligence in the process. (Getty Images)

Spam And Fraud Texts That Think I’m Stupid

Spam calls and texts are enraging enough on their own, so the last thing I need is some of these things insulting my intelligence.

I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten texts that told me a sheriff in South Dakota was looking for me and needed me to call their office.

The last time I was in South Dakota was 2007. I was 12.

Then, there are the texts that tell me I have unpaid tolls in a state I've never been to. Better yet, it comes to me from a number that is quite clearly from outside the United States.

Look, I'm pretty tech-savvy, what with a job that relies pretty heavily on the ol' Internet machine, but c'mon, guys, at least challenge me a little.

If they had tried texting that I owed them money for a guitar I bought from them on eBay, that would at least sound like something I could've done accidentally while lying in bed late at night.

I can't tell you how many times I've dropped my phone on my face late at night. At some point, my nose is going to hit the screen just right so that I end up with a brand-new Telecaster.

But no, they just take shots in the dark, hoping that I'm an idiot and will fall for this.

Newsflash, would-be crooks, I'm no idiot!

…I mean, not that big of an idiot.

"Find everything you needed? …Good, andnwhat is your email?" (Getty Images)

Stores That Ask You For Your Email So They Can Bombard Your Inbox

Like a great many of you, I have an email account that I have had for many, many years. Honestly, I don't check it much because every time I open it, it's just a deluge of offers and updates from stores that at some point asked for my email address.

I try not to even give it out anymore, but because one time in 2014 I had a moment of weakness while buying a pair of jeans at the GAP, I still get emails from them. Sure, you can unsubscribe from them, and I feel like I have, but somehow I still get all kinds of crap from them.

It's wild how many places send out email after email like that's going to make you more likely to visit them. It doesn't. I usually end up resenting them for this. I even get things from places I've never even visited.

The blame for this falls on the idea of getting your receipt emailed to you. At one point, I was idealistic enough to go with it because I remember thinking, "I'm saving the environment, maaaaan!"

But now, I say f--k the trees, because if my one receipt from J. Crew is what turns the planet into a post-apocalyptic hellscape, well, then we never had a chance to begin with, did we?

I'm sick of unsubscribing from mailing lists and deleting emails!

Just get a printed receipt and stash it in the bag, and if the minimum wage high school student asks for your email when you're trying to buy a pair of sneakers at the Skechers outlet, tell her it's none of her damn business.

Or just panic like I normally do and give it to them.

Do what feels right to you.

…

That's it for this week's edition of The Gripe Report! It was a pleasure as always, and if you have any gripes between now and the next edition, feel free to send them in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com