Just A Heads Up: Mario Kart Could Put A Strain On Your Relationship

"So, what do you want to do tonight?" my fiancée asked.

It was a Thursday, which means I get off a little earlier, and therefore, we typically go out on the town.

But this particular Thursday, I just wasn't feeling it.

"Let's just stay here, maybe we can pick a movie or something," I suggested.

"Or, maybe we could play some Mario Kart," she countered.

I agreed, not realizing what I was getting myself into, one of the most precarious situations of our relationship.

…

We recently purchased a Nintendo Switch 2 because we grew up in the ‘90s and have no kids, and good jobs. What’s the difference between the Nintendo Switch 2 currently plugged into the bigger, downstairs TV versus the original Nintendo Switch plugged into a slightly smaller TV up in the den?

Aside from a slightly larger screen and controller that snap in with magnets, I really have no clue, but those Italian plumber peddling bastards got $500 out of us because they dropped a brand new edition of everyone's favorite game to play with a buzz or hammered out of your gourd, Mario Kart.

This new one is called Mario Kart: World, and that's because it involves racing through a big, expansive map as opposed to individual circuits. It's a lot of fun, but if you're going to play with your significant other, make sure you have a good foundation for your relationship, or it could get ugly fast.

Fortunately, we're in a very good place, so we fired up the console.

I keep it old school and tend to op for the game's namesake, Mario, when it comes to character selection, which also happens to be the first hurdle you need to clear as far as not going at it with your significant other. (Getty Images)

Things got off to a good start: we didn't fight over who got to be which character. I like the classics, so I go with Mario a lot, but specifically the version of Mario wearing motorcycle gear because, obviously, that's just super badass.

She went with Mario's "friend" — poor guy — Princess Peach,

Next, we had to pick a series of tracks, and while that went off without a hitch as well, I did something that should have signaled problems ahead.

"Uh… that track has a lot of snow on it," I said.

"So."

"So, I'm going to need to switch my kart to something that's going to handle better in the snow."

It was at that moment that I realized the competitive juices were not going to stay contained, and I was willing to do anything to come out on top in this race.

…

The lights went out, and we — along with everyone's favorite Nintendo characters like Donkey Kong, Luigi, and the Penguin that stands around in snowy levels from the previous games (seriously) hurdled into the first corner as we climbed a snow-capped mountain. 

I navigated toward the front of the field, flicking joy sticks left and right, drifting around corners, and throwing banana peels at the competition. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw that my fiancée was doing the same.

My eyes squinted, and I put the hammer down, but a red shell hit me from behind, and Mario went ass over tea kettle and plunged down the side of a cliff as my fiancée whizzed by.

She laughed. I sneered. The dog farted, but that was unrelated to the game.

I continued to tear my way through the field of various Nintendo characters. Bowser, Waluigi, Daisy, Baby Daisy, Yoshi, Yoshi but white, and some chubby turtle-looking guy with a football helmet (Nintendo can get a little weird).

We were nearing the end of the race, and in the distance (or if I just looked a foot to the right since we were playing split-screen), I saw Princess Peach — my fiancée's Mario Kart-ing avatar as the checkered flag neared.

I grabbed one final item box. It rolled like a slot machine before stopping on a red shell. The one that homes in on the next cart in front, which, in this case, was being driven by my fiancée.

"Do I dare?" I thought to myself.

My finger slowly squeezed the button on the back of the controller, and Mario took a red shell and flung it at the cart ahead.

She was within sight of the finish line when it clobbered the back of her cart, sending peach tumbling toward the line, while at the last second, I snuck past for the win.

…

In retrospect, I probably should've let her take the W. It would've prevented a lot of tensions and (deserved) name-calling, but all is fair in love and Mario Kart. 

However, I realize now that this game has probably come up in more than a few couples counseling sessions.

"…Oh, yeah? Well, how about the time you dropped a banana peel on me right when I was about to activate my star power-up to become invincible. See?! You're such a narcissist…"

So, if you've got a Thursday night free and decide to stay in with your significant other, make sure you're prepared to have your relationship stress-tested to its limits.

All the while, a mustachioed Italian plumber screams, "Let's-a go!" on the TV.