Joe Biden's Birthday Goes Up In Flames, Woman Accidentally Gets Brazilian Butt Lift, Holiday Travel Sucks & Wompansplaining

'Twas two nights before Thanksgiving / and all through the house / not a creature was working / they'd already checked out.

I know that doesn't exactly fit, but if T-Pain can rhyme "mansion" with "Wisconsin" and sell a million copies, I think we can give me a pass on that one.

My point is, I know ain't a single one of y'all actually working today.

It's the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and you're already dreaming of delicious food, all the beers, football and couch naps.

I'm writing to you from the screen room at my mother-in-law's house in Daytona Beach. Yes, I'm in Daytona and writing Nightcaps instead of drowning in Mai Tais at the Hilton — you are WELCOME. Don't say I never did anything for you.

Don't worry, though, I'll get my Mai Tai tomorrow. My husband and I are zipping over to the beach for a pre-Thanksgiving getaway before family time on Thursday.

Remember when we were youths (well, college-aged youths) and Thanksgiving Eve was one of biggest party nights of the year?

Maybe you're still in that era. And I love that for you.

But for the rest of you old folks, it's time to bust out your best sweatpants and settle in. Pour yourself a three finger whiskey. Everything from here on out is Monday's problem.

It's Nightcaps time!

Holiday Travel Sucks

You could not pay me all the money in the world to go to an airport a couple days before Thanksgiving. OK, unless you gave me enough money for a private jet. Because that's the ONLY way I'm flying this week.

Especially after I saw this video of a woman on Frontier Airlines. At first, it looks like she's having a complete mental breakdown. But then she starts crawling over seats like that girl in The Ring who comes out of the TV to kill you.

I can't even describe it. You have to watch.

That lady makes Tiffany Gomas look like the picture of sanity.

Sure, you save a few bucks with Frontier. But you might end up being possessed by soul-snatching demons. It's the risk you take with discount airlines.

And then there's Spirit, which may or may not provide holiday travelers with a pilot to fly the plane.

That costs extra, along with your baggage fee and your seat choice.

But if you are stuck flying the not-so-friendly skies this week, you might as well make the best of it. Remember airplane bottles are perfectly legal to take through TSA. You can't (legally) drink your BYO-booze on the plane, but that's why God made Yeti cups.

And if your travel 'fit includes a T-shirt that mocks a government agency, even better!

How did he know he'd get the pat down?

Anyway, like I said, no flying for me. So we threw the dog in the car and made the 10-hour drive from Murfreesboro, Tenn., to Daytona.

Of course, driving on a holiday week has its downsides, too. But at 7:30 p.m. — just before Monday Night Football kicked off — we saw it. Like a shining beacon of hope.

I don't know that person, but clearly he made the same trip we did.

We just drove past, though. We didn't dare go inside.

Look, I love a Buc-ee's brisket burrito as much as the next girl, but I would rather mow my yard with a pair of dull, left-handed scissors than venture into the world's largest gas station on a holiday weekend.

We made that mistake last year. On our way to Daytona, we stopped at the Buc-ee's in Georgia for some fuel, caffeine and snicky-snacks. Not only did we have to park on Mars and walk all the way there, it took us over an hour to get in and out. Absolute pandemonium.

Never again.

Yesterday, whilst we were driving south, OutKick's Zach Dean was driving north. We waved at each other as we passed on I-75. I should have warned him, but it was too late.

Zach and family went to Buc-ee's.

"Don't stop here it's f-cking insane," he texted me — probably from underneath a heaping pile of assorted beef jerkey and novelty coffee mugs.

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he made it out alive.

Joe Biden's Fire Birthday Memes

The leader of the free world is 81-years-old, spry and as mentally sharp as a pillow. So to celebrate, he got a cake with a zillion candles!

This administration's communications team continues to be an epic disaster. Old squinty man — clutching the table so he doesn't keel over — in front of a fiery inferno that resembles the state of the world since he took office.

If there's anything I learned from my old PR days (besides how to write absolute fire apology statements for athletes who got themselves in trouble), it's that optics matter.

I used to be the social media manager for an NFL team. We won't name names, but it rhymes with Smennessee Shmitans. Anyway, the community relations department really wanted us to take part in Red Nose Day — a charity initiative where people wear red clown noses to raise funds and awareness for children living in poverty.

Great cause. Not great optics.

And so one day in the offseason, the powers that be asked me to take photos of our players and, yes, our head coach wearing red clown noses to post on our social media. Keep in mind, this is a team that went 2-14 the previous year.

Brand new on the job, I didn't want overstep. But I gently suggested maybe we should have the staff do it instead of the football team. I was overruled.

And so on that day, I posted a photo of our head coach (we'll call him Ben Bhisenhunt) wearing a damn clown nose. On ALL of our social media channels.

You can imagine how much fun the Internet had at my expense.

All that to say I didn't appreciate those jokes. But I do appreciate these.

Woman Accidentally Gets Brazilian Butt Lift

This is my favorite story of the year, and it's not even close.

Better go ahead and make another drink. I'll be here when you get back.

OK, so a 65-year-old woman named Kimberley McCormick traveled to Tijuana late last month for elective plastic surgery. She previously had weight loss surgery at this same facility six years ago. So a much slimmer Kim had some excess skin she wanted to get rid of. She also elected for a breast lift because f-ck gravity.

Anyway, she awoke from her anesthesia, and much to her surprise, the skin was still extra and the boobies were still saggy.

Oh wait, just kidding. Not saggy. Just HUGE. See, while she was asleep, they gave her breast implants — which she did not sign up for.

"When I woke up, my chest was really sore, and I just started bawling," she said.

After realizing she'd been given unwanted implants, Kimberley alerted a medical coordinator, who suggested that she had, at some point, asked the doctor for them.

"She said, 'You told him you wanted a full C,' and I said, 'No, I would never say that, not ever.'"

But it gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective). In addition to the new ta-tas, the doctor gave her an involuntary Brazilian Butt Lift.

Is that Kimberley McCormick or Kimberly Kardashian?!

I know, I know. I'm a terrible person for laughing at this. The ol' lady is clearly traumatized and reportedly saddled with tens of thousands in medical bills. I hope she gets it resolved.

But the good news is she's safe. And apparently thicker than a snicker.

And I think we all learned a valuable lesson here: Don't let anyone cut you open in Mexico.

Speaking of BBLs, though, I snagged a guest pass to a gym here in Daytona, and there are BBLs everywhere.

They're easy to spot: If a woman has a dump truck but skinny little chicken legs, then she purchased that thing. As a former competitive bodybuilder, I can assure you it's impossible to develop your glutes like that without simultaneously building some quads and hamstrings.

Anyway, fake butts everywhere and there I am slaving away under my 300+ pound hip thrusts like a sucker.

I'm not going to Mexico, though, don't worry.

New Column: I'll Be Womansplaining To You Every Friday

We're doing it, y'all!

Last week I asked if any of you would be interested in a weekly column where I write about all things dating, marriage, sex and relationships. I got a ton of emails saying YES. And the OutKick readers get what they want.

So we're launching "Womansplaining" — a Friday column where I'll answer your emails, give you some of my tried and true knowledge about lady folk, make fun of influencers and celebrity couples, you name it.

And the debut will happen this Friday. I know it's a holiday weekend, but help me out and read it in between leftover turkey sandwiches.

I'm counting on reader participation here! Email me (Amber.Harding@OutKick.com) your thoughts, questions, dating fails, dating successes, gripes about the opposite sex, whatever. Anything goes. Consider me your "Dear Abby" ...but way more fun.

Stuff That Made Me LOL

Justin Bieber dances with not Justin Bieber songs. And honestly, it's probably better this way.

Speaking of dancing, bust out these moves to impress your Thanksgiving guests.

These people would vote for a moldy biscuit if it meant no more "mean" tweets.

The commentary ABOUT the commentary in our OutKick Slack channels would be way better than the Manningcast.

This video is quite the ride.

HE DOES SOUND LIKE KERMIT THE FROG!

As we get ready for Christmas music season, a reminder that "Baby It's Cold Outside" is really not so bad. (Warning: language)

Loud and clear.

This virtual shark tank might be a little too realistic. (Wait for it.)

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.