New Book Claims Joe Biden Tells Aides The Secret To Marriage Is Good Sex; Nation Collectively Vomits

A new book alleges that President Joe Biden once told aides that the secret to marriage — like his own, which has been cruising along for almost 50 years — is the last thing you'd ever want to hear a doddering octogenarian say: good sex.

In her upcoming book, American Woman: The Transformation of the Modern First Lady, from Hillary Clinton to Jill Biden, writer Katie Rogers discusses the relationship between the current President and First Lady.

According to the Daily Mail, Rogers includes a claim that Biden is known to tell his aides that the secret to his marathon marriage is "good sex." 

Rogers claims this is the president's go-to line whenever he wants to impart some marital advice and, apparently, his wife hates it.

So do I, but probably for a different reason: I don't like that any time in the White House is being wasted giving out goofy marital advice.

The president might have a second career as a marriage counselor. (Getty Images)

The President Shouldn't Have To Dish Out Marriage and Sex Advice Like He's Dr. Ruth

The president has a lot on his plate. Important, existential threats to this nation. There's more than enough of that to fill a schedule. So, what we don't need is the president holding court and imparting personal advice to his cabinet members while wars are happening.

Imagine a secretary trying to give the president a briefing only for him to veer off into Dr. Phil territory.

"Hang on there secretary; I know the telecom systems are on the fritz and two major wars are happening, but you know what the most important thing in a marriage is? Never go to bed angry…"

Any kind of personal business seems like it could probably be tabled during official meetings, but apparently, that's what happens in the Biden White House.

Which isn't all that shocking, considering Biden is an old guy. The only thing old people love more than Matlock, soft foods, and early-bird discounts is going on a tangent.

However, while everyone there is used to these tangents, I'm sure that they would have rather heard the "Cornpop" story again for the umpteenth time than hear Biden talk about sex.

We all know sex is a natural thing. We're all here because of it. But still, no one wants to hear old people talk about sex, especially when that person is the elderly leader of the free world.

If you have to hear old people talk about sex, there's an entire town where you can do that. It's called The Villages.

No One Wants To Hear About Any Presidents' Sex Life… Except For One

The book does go into how the Bidens aren't afraid of public displays of affection, which I guess is supposed to make this less uncomfortable. Those PDAs are usually a quick peck, hand-holding, or Joe offering Jill a hit of ice cream. (I don't know if you've ever heard this — they don't bring it up very often — but Biden is a big ice cream guy.)

Call me crazy, but that doesn't make getting sex advice from the president any less awkward.

In fairness to Biden, there's no president I would ever want to go to for sex advice with one massive exception: Nixon.

I'm kidding; it's John F. Kennedy. The man was juggling Jackie, Marilyn, and Cuban missiles all with a bad back and LBJ aimlessly wandering around the White House. The world deserves to know how he did that.

I will say, one thing I did like about Biden's go-to piece of marriage advice is that it's a perfect example of terrible old person advice. I have a certain affinity for that kind of thing. 

I love it when you have a slow news day so the local TV station interviews a 100-year-old. They are always asked about the secret to their longevity, and it's never a real answer like eating right and exercising. It's always terrible advice where they chalk it up to drinking Jack Daniels or cranking a couple of lung darts every day.

As I see it, that's this Biden line, but with sex and marriage. Completely inaccurate. This would imply that there's never been a failed relationship where the sex was A+ and everything else was a dumpster fire.

Biden's been around a long time. So he's got a lot of advice to give. That doesn't mean it's any good or even appropriate for most workplaces. Nonetheless, he still is happy to dish it out even if no one wants to hear it.

Although, I'd rather listen to Joe Biden's marriage advice than get put on Commander duty.