I Continue To Be Fascinated And Horrified By The Idea Of 'Van Life'

Every night when I hop into bed, I do the same exact thing: I crack open the YouTube app on my phone and fall down some kind of rabbit hole. This is probably the worst thing you can do immediately before bed, aside from maybe eating an entire Outback Steakhouse Bloomin' Onion. 

However, I think it's par for the course for those of us who have had our brains rotted by smartphones and algorithms.

And speaking of algorithms, that's what guides these nightly rabbit holes. Sometimes it involves watching reviews of guitars (not weird because I play guitar) or videos about the best motorcycles currently on the market (very weird because I've never ridden a motorcycle).

However, lately, it's all about van life, baby.

If you're not familiar with the concept of van life, it's exactly what it sounds like. People — especially younger people — are going out of their way to live in vans. 

That's right; a fate that was once reserved only for the Matt Foleys of the world who had fallen on tough times is something people are seeking out, and spending a lot of money to take part in.

These videos flood my YouTube feed and I start watching tours of these vans that people have gussied instead of catching some Z's.

I mean, they sure make it look cool. Look at this:

Inevitably, I start thinking, "Hm… I wonder if I could do that?" I start to picture myself sitting in the back of a Mercedes Sprinter van parked in some national park. I mean, I already have a job I could theoretically do from anywhere. Why not load up a van, throw a "Salt Life" sticker on the back (I don't know what those mean, it just seems like the thing to do), and see all this glorious country has to offer?

I have no idea why I always think this. Van life is essentially just camping, and I've always thought camping was kind of dumb. I know a lot of people love it (or at least say they do) and I understand wanting to be out in nature, but the few times I camped I was miserable.

Camping always seems like it's just doing a bunch of chores outside. You spend all of this chopping wood and setting up your campsite, and what is the payoff? Bug bites and the privilege of burying your own feces in the woods.

Yeah, that's better than a hotel…

A woman applies decorative stickers to her camper van after buying supplies at a Walmart in Reno, Nevada before heading to Burning Man… that's not a joke that's really what's happening in this photo. (© Trevor Hughes/USA TODAY / USA TODAY NETWORK)

The Realities Of Van Life Quickly Ruin The Romanticized Version 

This is precisely what snaps me out of thinking about the prospect of adopting a nomadic, van-dwelling existence.

If I've learned one thing about Van life from binging these videos, it's that space is at a premium. A converted Ford Econoline isn't exactly roomy. This means some sacrifices need to be made, and sacrifice No. 1 is usually a place to go No. 2.

I'm stunned at how many people can live with this arrangement. They've got no problem just driving to a truck stop or a Walmart every time nature calls. That should be a "Break Glass In Case Of Emergency" option. I can't imagine only playing away games. Like you're the Washington Generals.

So, some of these van dwellers have workarounds, but those typically include jugs or cassette toilets that you hide in a cupboard and have to use while sitting awkwardly in your van with the shades drawn right next to where you cook ramen noodles on a hot plate.

Again, when does this get fun?

Another thing that fascinates me about this way of life is that the simplest tasks become wildly inconvenient.

Want to lie down for a quick power nap in the middle of the day? No problem, just lower the table in the seating area in the back of your van, fold down the cushions, get the extra little mattress piece from under the mini-fridge, then dig your bedding out from the closet behind the passenger seat, and make the bed while trying not to crack your elbow against the window while trying to get the fitted sheet over the mattress.

Easy, right?

I get the appeal of not being tied down and being able to live on the open road… but this whole van life thing just seems so impractical.

For now, I'll just stick to living it through these videos that I watch in bed — a bed I don't have to assemble or disassemble every day — just footsteps away from my own flushable commode.

Now, that's the good life.