Here Are The 8 Absolute Worst Things About Flying

Happy Tuesday, and welcome to another edition of the column that is making complaining cool in the eyes of the next generation, The Gripe Report!

Flying has been in the news a lot as of late, and not always for the best reasons.

That got me thinking about the aspects of air travel that drive me the battiest, and then this weekend I was standing outside smoking some turkey breasts in the rain when it dawned on me: I have a place to write these complaints down!

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Now, let's make sure we're on the same page before we begin: It’s not the act of flying tens of thousands of feet in the air that I hate. That part is cool. It’s everything leading up to it that makes it all a miserable experience.

Parking

Here’s how you know flying blows: Before you even walk into the airport you blood pressure is up a few notches because parking can be a complete and utter nightmare.

I say "can" because if you’re using a smaller airport, this can be a total non-issue. If you're leaving a big, busy airport, well, Godspeed.

I usually fly out of Orlando International Airport, which, for reasons I’m sure you can figure out, is one of the busiest airports in the country.

If you’re driving yourself to the airport, you typically have some options as to where you park, and in Orlando the primary options are economy parking — which is cheaper but requires about a 15-minute shuttle ride to the terminal — or the parking garage, which is right next to the parking garage, but costs a small fortune for the duration of your trip.

For me, it’s always the lesser of two evils. Especially when I’m at the airport for an early morning flight, the last thing I want is to stand in a parking lot waiting for a shuttle. I want to just walk in like I own the place, get to the gate, and nurse a coffee until it’s time to board.

But I hate paying for the luxury of walking right inside.

See my first-world conundrum?

Well, once I’ve made up my mind, it all continues to get worse…

Check-In

These days I rarely head to the desk since I just use the boarding pass on my phone, but if I check a bag I have to, and I never leave there thinking, "Well, that was a pleasant experience."

Nope, the line is always ungodly long, moved at the pace of gimpy snail, and then once you’re up there the gate agent acts like your inconveniencing them by you being there and asking them to check your bag.

I mean, I get it, it doesn’t look like a fun job, but it’s not like the fact that you were going to have to hoist the Samsonite belonging to the handsome writer with a habit of over-packing onto the conveyor belt shouldn’t have shouldn’t catch them off guard.

That’s the job.

No matter how prepared you are, TSA is going to throw you a curveball. (Getty Images)

TSA

After checking your bags, it’s off to TSA, where the headaches continue.

Look, I appreciate what the TSA does in the name of safety, but all I want is a little consistency. I feel like I never know what I’m supposed to do.

Sure, I have a general idea, but sometimes I have to take my shoes off, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have to take my belt off, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have to put my backpack in a bin, sometimes I put it in a bin only for the agent to take it out and skyhook it onto the conveyer belt with a thud.

I swear, whatever I try to do is wrong. I’ve gone to never flying with a belt because it’s never fun to get yelled at for removing your belt in front of a group of people. Everyone glares at you like, "That guy was pretty eager to whip off the belt, what a creep?" When in reality, four days earlier at another airport, I had gotten yelled at in another airport for not removing my belt.

Just give us some consistency, please!

Do you like paying a lot of money for average or below-average food? Well, then you're going to love eating at the airport!   (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Airport Food

Thank god, we’re through TSA and we’re wandering toward our gate. Now, it’s time to get some grub.

Airport food has some serious range. There are some legitimately good airport spots, some standard fare on par with mall food courts, and then some complete and utter abominations.

I don’t need fine dining, but I would like food on par with what I can get outside of an airport. What I don’t like is going to a terminal McD’s that has a short menu only for the food to be worse than you’d get at your local Golden Arches, but carrying a 30 to 40% markup because, hey, you’re flying.

When did we all agree that just because the food is in an airport, it should cost more? I was in the Minneapolis airport last summer, and my fiancé got a Subway sandwich out of a vending machine. She was already flirting with disaster with that decision, then told me that the pre-made sammich cost nearly twice as much as the same one at a non-airport Subway.

It’s bordering on extortion, but you’d better fill up because it doesn’t get any better on the plane.

Airplane Food

Since we’re talking food, let’s discuss airplane food like it’s a 1988 episode of An Evening At The Improv.

I’m not even talking about meals. I understand that cooking food several miles in the sky sounds difficult. My problem is with the cheapo airlines that make you pay for snacks.

And not just pay. Pay a lot.

I remember one time I bought a Coke Zero and a pack of Peanut M&M’s and that cost me north of $7 for no reason other than I was in the sky. Had I just picked up some up during my routine wander through Hudson News (I love a Hudson News by the way; nothing like looking at magazines, gum, and cheaply made T-shirts with the name of the city you just visited on them) it would have cost me a bit less.

I get that the airline needs to make money, but why does it cost more than a convenience store or a grocery store? They need to make money too, don’t they?

This guy is having trouble getting his suitcase to fit because some dumb old lady put her purse and a jacket in there. (Getty Images)

Overhead Space

Let’s jump back to when you board a plane, because we need to address the rules of the overhead compartment.

I can’t believe we still have idiots who can’t grasp this, but not everything is supposed to be in the overhead bin. That's reserved for carry-on suitcases first and foremost.

Nothing drives me crazier than watching someone walk onto the plane and stuff a jacket or a small backpack up there. I start looking around for anyone who looks like they could possibly be a sky marshal, and start subtly nodding my head toward the offender.

It's bad, and it's even more maddening on budget airlines that make you pay for carry-ons.

Although, I do get a kick out of people who put insane things up there, because if you're going to piss me off like that, at least give me a laugh too.

One example fo that was when I was flying Florida to Pennsylvania back in college and the lady across the aisle from me walked onto the plane and stuffed a canvas tote bag — like the kind you get when you donate to PBS — into the overhead compartment. 

That's not what that's for, but I got a laugh when we got off the plane in Pennsylvania and I realized that tote bag was full of nothing but loose oranges. Just one big bag of fruit.

I'm not sure where she thinks they get their oranges from in Pennsylvania, but they sure do have some fine citrus in the Sunshine State… just keep it out of the overhead bin.

People Who Clap

It's always a nice feeling to get some wheels back on terra firma, but I can't stand the people who burst into applause when this happens.

I'm also happy that I get to walk off the plane under my own power instead of crews having to use putty knives to scrape me off the tarmac, but the pilot just did his job. 

Even the silkiest, smoothest landing imaginable isn't clap-worthy. Just sit there with your dumb hands in your lap, and if you want to say thanks to the pilot on the way off (I do that, because I have what you call "class"), do it.

But, I swear we're soon going to go beyond clapping to the point that people will start asking for encores or throw bouquets at the pilot.

People Who Stand Up The Moment The Plane Parks At The Gate

We've arrived at the gate, we're pulling in slowly, the fasten seatbelt light is off, and now suddenly 75% of the cabin occupants jump to their feet for absolutely no reason.

I understand that after a lengthy flight, you may want to stand up and stretch, but that can be done at your seat, and it's not what most people do.

They get up and start clearing out the overhead bin, even if that requires walking several rows away and blocking everyone else.

What bugs me is that this move saves them no time at all. Once they have their bag, they can't go anywhere. If they'd just waited for the door to open and people to start filing off the plane before they start grabbing their stuff, we'd all get off the plane quicker and more efficiently, because the people who jump the gun end up clogging the aisles and causing more headaches.

Just stay in your seat, folks; you'll get off the plane when you get off the plane.

…

Man, what I journey.

If you've got any of your own airport or air travel gripes, be sure to send them in for a future edition of The Gripe Report!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com