Here Are The 6 Absolute Worst Things About Sleeping (Which Is Otherwise Awesome)

It's Tuesday, which means it's time for another edition of The Gripe Report, the Internet's official home for petty complaints and grievances.

This week, I want to complain about something I actually really enjoy: sleeping.

There's really not much that beats sleeping. You lie down, get comfortable, and then get to dream about whatever you want. It's great.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

I mean, half the time I wake up and my first thought is, "I can't wait until tonight when I get to throw my Bluetooth sleeping mask back on and do that all again!"

If you ask me, life is just the time between sleeps.

In this week's edition of The Gripe Report, we're tackling the worst aspects of one of life's greatest things, sleep. (Getty Images)

However, as great as it is, there's still plenty to complain about in the world of sleep.

So, let's throw on our pajamas — by which I mean an old T-shirt and a pair of running shorts with a hole in the crotch — and get to griping!

Pillows 

If we’re going to be complaining about sleep, I think a natural place to start would be with one of the key pieces of equipment: the pillow.

Now, pillow selection is key, and you have to know your sleeping habits to know the right one for you.

For instance, I sleep on my back like Nosferatu lying in a casket. I don’t know why, I just do.

But this means that I need a lower, flatter pillow otherwise I’d wake up every day an agonizing sore neck. Fortunately, I’ve found that pillow. It’s made by a company called Purple and it’s great, but it weights like 75 pounds which doesn’t make it great for traveling.

This creates an issue for me, which is that anytime I sleep in a hotel, I have a hard time with the cheap-ass pillows they want me to rest my large (very handsome) head on. I just can’t get comfortable, so I end up lying there for most of the night thinking about how excited I am for the free continental breakfast.

All I’m saying is that as important as pillows are to the art of sleep, don’t get married to your daily-driver pillow the way I have, especially if you’re in hotels a lot.

People Who Pretend To Be Too Good For Sleep

Now, as I’ve mentioned, I like to sleep, and it bugs the hell out of me when people try to brag about how they’re too good for sleep.

I can’t stand when people are like, "I don’t have time to sleep," or act like what they do when they’re awake is so important that if they took some time to sleep, they’d be robbing the world of their greatness.

Buddy, just shut up and take a snooze.

No one is impressed that you get by on four hours of sleep per night. You can sleep double that, and people’s perception of you will not change.

Most people think, "This idiot only sleeps for four hours? He’s missing out."

This guy's body was slightly crooked while he slept, which means he will be unable to walk for several days. (Getty Images)

Sleeping injuries

The fact that you can get hurt while sleeping is one of the cruelest things this universe has to offer.

We want to wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day, but we’ve all had agonizing days full of neck or back pain because our neck was kinked the wrong way by like three degrees.

Just terrible, but that’s a cakewalk to other sleep injuries I’ve heard of, like tumbling out of bed and whacking your noggin off the nightstand, or worse yet, testicular torsion from an ill-fated turn-and-toss combo.

Be careful out there, folks.

Trying To Sleep On Things That Move

For some people, falling asleep on things that move is second nature, but for others, it’s the biggest hill there is to climb in the sleep game.

If you have a hard time sleeping on a plane, train, or automobile, you’re probably incredibly jealous of anyone who zonks out the second the wheels start turning.

I’m in no-man’s land on this front. I either fall asleep immediately, or I’m awake, which means that the first moments of an early morning flight are high-pressure.

To this point, sleeping on a plane, if you can pull it off, is some of the greatest sleep because it’s as close to teleportation as you can get.

Falling asleep in one place and waking up in another is wild… and reminds a lot of people of their college days.

Nap-shaming

Speaking of great sleeps, is there anything better than a nap?

No, there’s not, but to that point, there’s nothing worse than people who want to shame you for taking a nap.

I hate the adage "you can sleep when you’re dead" as an argument against napping. It makes no sense to me. Why would I not want to sleep now and enjoy it?

Sort of like the "No Time To Sleep" guy, the nap-shamers have bought into the idea that you have to grind 24/7. Like, napping is a sign of weakness.

I mean, napping all the time might be a sign of depression, but ripping an occasional nap is one of life’s simple pleasures.

Hell, I might go drop one right now… oh, wait, I’m working…

Trigger warnings are for wusses, but this photo triggered me. (Getty Images)

Alarm Clocks

Now, all good things must come to an end, and this is where the alarm clock comes in to ruin everything and make sure your day gets off on the wrong foot.

Having your alarm go off while you're in the middle of a dream where you’re skiing down Mount Everest, being awarded the Nobel Prize, or teaching Sydney Sweeney how to line up a putt is one of the worst things ever. 

That whiplash feeling of being sound asleep and then suddenly having an air horn blasted in your face is just awful.

I think part of the problem has to do with the alarm clock itself, which, of course, is now typically just your phone.

I get that alarm clocks are a necessary evil, but seeing as we’re in the year of our Lord 2025, I thought we would’ve advanced beyond alarm clocks that just blast sound in your ear. Can we get some kind of solution that brings you slowly out of your dream so you can finish up your Nobel Prize acceptance speech or your Sydney Sweeney golf lesson?

If I’m not mistaken, I’ve seen devices that claim to do this, but they must not do it well, otherwise we’d all have them. 

Nope, we’re still just putting our phones next to our heads on full volume and waking ourselves up with a good ol’ fashioned eardrum-shatterin’.

…

That’s all for this week, folks. I hope this edition of The Gripe Report wasn’t too much of a snooze (unless you’ve been battling insomnia, in which case, you’re welcome).

If you've got a gripe that you'd like to see included in a future edition of The Gripe Report, be sure to send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com