The Nation's Public Bathrooms Are Broken And Here Are The Top Things That Need Fixing

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to empty out and wash up for an all-new edition of The Gripe Report.

And that's what we're dealing with this week: emptying out and washing up, specifically in public bathrooms.

They're a necessary evil, but there are so many awful things, many of which everyone agrees on.

But yet they persist.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Maybe this will rally the troops, and we can get some serious change going.

So, flip on the fart fan, and let's get to it… 

There's a 70 percent chance this will just not work, no matter how many times you wave your hand under it. (Getty Images)

Sink Sensors

I think if I added it all up, at the age of 30, I have already wasted at least a week of my life waving my hands under public bathroom faucet sensors only to not get a drop of water.

Sure, I understand the perks of automatic faucets. They don’t waste water because they shoot off on their own, and you don’t have to touch a dirty faucet handle.

But at what cost? Dignity?

I hate walking up to a wide open set of sinks, picking one that seems like a winner, then waving my hands under it only to get nothing.

READ: WHEN DID WE START LETTING MORONS DESIGN PARKING LOTS?

What’s worse is you can’t just do one wave because enough of these sensors are asleep at the wheel. So, you have to give it a second wave… and then maybe a third.

If you’ve still got bone-dry hands after three waves, then you have to slide over to the next sink.

At least with a sink that has handles, you try to turn on the water once and know immediately if it doesn’t work.

And places that insist on auto-faucets: can you be a bit better about letting patrons know when your sinks are temperamental or just downright broken?

Paper Towel Dispensers And Hand Dryers That Look Alike

This is something I’ve only noticed over the last year or two, but it seems to be a growing problem.

I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve become conditioned to use hand dryers or if hand dryers have slimmed down, but I have seen more and more people standing in bathrooms with their hands under a paper towel dispenser.

Sometimes they look alike. Too much alike, and that’s why you’ll see people with their arms out, wondering why their mitts are not miraculously becoming dry.

I actually saw a guy fall into this trap at Universal Studios recently, and it made me wonder if he thought he was in the Harry Potter area and that the paper towel dispenser would magically dry his hands.

Drymyhands-iosa!!!

Another issue is that we also have the automatic paper towel dispensers, which I’m not a fan of. I like the old-school manual kind that doesn’t break as easily, and is less inclined to make you look like a doofus.

That counts for a lot in my book. 

Places That Get Too Clever With The Appliances And Fixtures

I'm no fan of over-regulating things, but I do think that we need a line in the sand when it comes to bathroom fixtures.

We all know the hell that is trying to figure out how to work a hotel shower without burning off a layer of skin, but how about the feeling of idiocy that washes over you when you can't figure out how to turn on the sink?

I've been to places that seem to put too much pride in coming up with "inventive" ways to do a sink, a toilet, or a urinal.

First of all, people seem to forget that inventive doesn't mean better. Not everything needs to be fixed up; some things are perfectly fine as they are.

That's why I hate rolling into a bathroom that tries to impress you with its fixtures. 

Oh, look; the faucet is like a gas pump, and the valve to turn it on and off is in a place no reasonable person would ever think to check!

That said, I do appreciate a nice local brewery beer keg urinal.

There's just something about that that appeals to your reptilian dude brain.

Kind of like peeing outside or off of something high.

Yes, your dude brain mostly has to do with peeing.

Hey, don't get mad at her. Sometimes that's the only place in the bathroom where you can wait for your turn. (Getty Images)

Bathrooms In Busy Places That Don’t Have Some Kind Of Area To Wait

Is there anything worse than trying to pee while some impatient fella hovers behind you?

Sure. Countless things, but this still sucks.

I’ve noticed some bathrooms, usually ones in busier places like stadiums and arenas, have an entry hallway that works as a makeshift area. 

But, smaller places don’t have this, which is how you wind up with some dude over your shoulder while you try to offload a couple of the Yuengling Lagers you just tipped back.

Any business over a certain capacity should have space in the bathroom that would allow for 1-2 people to wait their turn without creepily standing behind those at the urinals.

Toilets With Flush Sensors That Jump The Gun

I'm noticing I hate motion sensors in bathrooms, and nowhere is that a bigger problem when you bite the bullet and drop trow for an "away game," if you catch my drift.

That's always a last resort, and then once you wrap up what it is you need to do, you end up flushing like nine times because any movement a fraction of an inch in any direction triggers the toilet's sensor, giving you a nice splash of toilet spray in the process.

How is anyone okay with this?

Where are all the tree-hugging environmentalists on this issue? This has to be one of the biggest wastes of water on the planet, but they're too busy making sure Starbucks can't give me a plastic straw unless I ask nicely and sign a waiver.

Come on, we should all be on the same page here.

That one on the left is several feet too low (I appreciate the bars though so you can get a quick workout in. Multitasking). (Getty Images) 

Urinals That Are Too Low For Normal Humans To Use

Speaking of urinals, I think we need to do something about the low kid/Verne Troyer (RIP) urinals.

I get the point — the young and vertically challenged have to pee too — but when urinal real estate is at a premium, I hate that one space is occupied by a urinal too low for one of us normies.

I’m not even that tall — I’m a proud 5’10"; Nature’s Perfect height — and even still, a lot of these kid/Peter Dinklage-height urinals are a no-go for me.

I was thinking about this recently (as I like to do) and realized a fix: why don't we just make the lower urinals taller?

That way, a child or someone who could play bass in Mini Kiss, the little person tribute to Kiss, could use it, but then there's still enough extra porcelain for a taller person to safely operate it without residual splashback on their khakis.

Maybe we rig something up so the smaller folk can still flush it, or just skip that step. I mean, most are automatic, and if they're not, people don't even bother to flush them anyway.

This is perfect because now all the urinals are on the table at any time. No more being the third man into a three-urinal bathroom and getting stuck with the one designed for the cast of Little People, Big World.

Little people, big urinals. That's what I say.

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That's all for this week's edition of The Gripe Report!

Be sure to come back next week, and in the meantime, send in those gripes!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com