Got Gripes? From Room-Temp Milk To Stupid Craft Beer Names, Here Are Some Beverage Gripes

It's another glorious Wednesday in the United States of America — home of the gold medal-winning men's and women's Olympic hockey teams — which means it's time for another edition of The Gripe Report!

I've got a pretty simple explanation for this week's topic…

I had a couple of gripes this week that had something in common: they had to do with beverages.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

This got me thinking, "Hey, I drink beverages and have thoughts about them!"

And with that, this mish-mash of liquid-related gripes was born!

Someone put that milk back in the fridge so we can all start our days off on the right foot. (Getty Images)

Milk At Sub-Optimal Temperatures

Mitch in Florida has a gripe for us, one that is weirdly specific, but painfully relatable:

Longtime reader and budding griper. I have a complaint about what I believe to be a universal experience:

You’re staying the night at a friend or relative’s house. You wake up from a horrible sleep because they either 1.) Keep their house like an igloo and gave you a piece of paper for a blanket, or 2.) Have a fusion reactor for a heater in their home and also piled 13 blankets on you for the night. That’s a side gripe.

You bring your exhausted self down the stairs and find that your hosts are serving a big breakfast! You sit down at the table and see everything you need: Bacon, pancakes, eggs, ketchup for any psychos at the table, fruit, powdered sugar, salt, pepper, milk…

Wait, milk? At the table?

I am a serious milk enthusiast and down 2 gallons per week by myself. That said, milk’s stock falls rapidly after it’s taken out of the fridge. The best part of milk is the cold chill when it first crosses the threshold of our mouths. In fact, I’ve been known to put my glasses of milk in the freezer for a few minutes just for that extra chilly kick.

But our glorious hosts have decided to get the milk out and put it on the table 20 minutes before the food is even ready. By the time you’re pouring a glass, it’s only mildly "cool" and honestly is getting kind of gross. 90% chance they buy skim, too. These people are needlessly sabotaging milk’s chilly goodness because they’re too lazy to get up and open the fridge…?

Treat your milk like you’d treat fertilized human eggs, and recognize that it’s ruined as soon as it leaves the incubator.

Thanks for the Gripe Report and for giving me an outlet on this.

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This is a very specific gripe… but I know exactly what he is talking about.

I’m a milk guy too. I’m not throwing it back like Mitch here is, but I like a nice cool, crisp glass of 2% to wash down a piece of cake or a sleeve of E.L. Fudge cookies I’m "shame eating."

The situation he’s describing can only happen away from home because anyone who likes a glass of moo juice would never do this.

I’m not sure why people get the milk out early. It’s not like a full-bodied cabernet you’re trying to show off. It’s a plastic jug or carton that costs a few dollars.

But all beverages have optimum temperatures, and milk’s window is small. Sure, some psychos like a warm glass of milk, but I like mine so cold it feels like it was filtered through a glacier or squeezed from the teat of Snow Meiser from The Year Without A Santa Claus.

Sorry for that visual, but if I learned anything from Meet the Parents, it’s that you can milk anything with nipples. 

Even a claymation puppet.

While we’re on the topic of beverage temperature windows, one that keeps me awake at night is coffee. It has a reverse window.

Hot coffee is great.

Iced coffee is great.

Room temperature coffee is like drinking poison.

I have no idea why this is the case, but with the possible exception of tea, coffee is the only beverage with this problem.

Flat Beer

TM is chiming in this week about a scourge sweeping the nation's beer taps:

This has been a problem for a long time, so I just switched to Tall Boys and Bottles to make sure I don't get a flat draw.  I recently broke my habit because Yuengling is finally in Iowa, and to my extreme disappointment, it was flat/no head.  I told the place it was flat, and I got the shrug like they didn't know what I was talking about, and they offered to replace but the next one came back the same way.  I forced it down because, hey — first Yuengling purchased in Iowa, but we — the beer drinkers of America, should not accept this.  I have seen enough Bar Rescue to know that we're being wronged here.

I see this nationwide as I travel, and the only way for it to end is that We the People need to just reject the draw under the mandate that (most) draws need to have a head on them. 

I think only the Outkick community has the type of real men we need to lead this charge and start asserting ourselves and correct this blight. 

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First of all, congratulations to the fine people of Iowa for finally being able to drink a Yuengling Lager. As a native Pennsylvanian who lives in Florida — two states where they have Yuengling breweries — it’s my go-to beer, and has been for most of my illustrious drinking career.

Anyway, it’s upsetting that we’ve got places churning out flat beer.

I’m a draft guy because I like to live on the edge, and I understand that this is a hazard with this particular line of drinking.

But what bugs me more about this story is that we’ve got people manning beer taps who don’t know what they’re doing, or even seem to understand what it means if a beer is flat.

If your job involves serving drinks, shouldn’t you be up to speed on something like that?

I mean, you don’t need to be a chemist to understand what’s happening.

It helps, but you don’t need to be one.

That Electric Shock Feeling When You Think You’re Drinking One Thing And It’s Something Else

When it comes to drinking any liquid, I’d argue there’s nothing worse than that feeling when you think you’re drinking one thing and it turns out to be something else.

I’m not saying you think you’re about to drink a cup of Earl Grey tea and you accidentally take a swig from a trucker’s spitter. I’m talking about something as simple as thinking you’re drinking water and then taking a sip of Pepsi.

As I write this, I have two beverages on my desk: a mug of black coffee and a metal water bottle. 

If the two were in more similar drinking vessels, I could easily grab one thinking it's water, and accidentally drink the coffee.

For some reason, this always leads to a reaction I can only compare to being electrocuted, followed by complete confusion.

Why is this so jarring? They’re two things I like to drink, so it’s not like I’m disgusted by one of them. 

The reaction should just be, "Whoops, thought that was water," and then I move on. It shouldn’t feel like some clown just slapped me in the face with his joy buzzer.

I find the number one culprit for this is iced tea.

I live in the southern part of the US, and I don’t care if this outs me as a Yankee: sweet tea blows.

On the other hand, I could live off of unsweetened tea. 

But when I order unsweetened, it looks the same as sweet tea. 

Then I take a sip and — bzzzzzzz!

Taste buds electrocuted.

"I'll call it, "Hops Karate Chopping You The Back Of The Head IPA." - Every craft brewery ever. (Getty Images)

Craft Beer Names

I recently went to a craft brewery, and it reminded me just how much I hate the way most of these places name their beer.

By the way, let’s all chill out with craft beer. Just because the word "craft" is in front of it doesn’t make it superior.

I’d take an aforementioned Yuengling over the vast majority of the craft beers I’ve had in my life.

But sometimes you like a little something different. I just wish they'd all cool it with the names.

I have found that they usually fall into one of two camps: they're either weirdly aggressive hop-related names like "Hops Assassin" or "Murdered By IBUs," or they tell you absolutely nothing about the beer.

True story: I went to a place last week that had a beer called "The Adults Are Talking."

…What the f--k kind of beer is that?!?!

My problem with craft beer in general is that they put quirkiness and cleverness above decent beer.

Look, just use names like "_____ Pilsner" and make it taste like beer.

I'm tired of people trying to make beers that taste like cupcakes or beef jerky or, god forbid, cupcakes and beef jerky.

Just. Make. Beer.

People Who Don't Understand The Magic Of Situational Beverage Selection

I don't like it when people get goofed on for what they drink. I always say order what you like.

Having said this, it drives me nuts when people make drink selections that don't match that drinking situation.

I'll give you a for-instance. Earlier this month, I was on a cruise, and we stopped on the cruise's private island.

At one of the bars, I ordered a Corona with a lime, because it has been scientifically proven to be the ultimate tropical beach beer.

But, I took a peek in the fridge behind the bar and saw something that disturbed me: cans of Guinness.

Now, I love Guinness, but it's a beer meant to be consumed in mild to cool weather at an Irish pub.

Not on a Bahamian beach.

Do what you want, but it bugs me that people are chugging a thick, creamy Guinness, unaware that they can be downing what I call a "perfect situational beer."

I practice what I preach. I've had the following situation beers over the last month or so:

• A Busch Light at the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona
• A Coors Light at the NHL Stadium Series Game in Tampa
• The aforementioned Corona in the Bahamas.
• A glass of Ferrari Brut at a nice dinner with my wife
• A Kona Big Wave at a Tiki Bar

Notice how each drink fits the time and place like a glove. I should be a sommelier for situational beverages.

Those are specific examples, but it's as simple as grabbing a domestic light beer when you're manning the grill or BBQ pit instead of downing a glass of Cabernet.

Again, I love a nice Cabernet, but not while I'm smoking a pork shoulder!

Situational awareness, people.

It makes every drop better.

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That's it for this week's edition of The Gripe Report!

Be sure to join us next time, and send in those gripes!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com