Why Modern Food Packaging Sucks: Gum, Chips, Gummies, and Starbucks All Guilty

It's Tuesday afternoon, so after a one-week hiatus, it's time for another edition of The Gripe Report!

Why the week off? Because I forgot I was taking last Tuesday off and didn't prepare anything.

It happens.

I don't know about you, but I eat food pretty regularly. Sometimes, a few times a day.

That means that I come into contact with a lot of food packaging, and I won't lie to you, a lot of it pisses me off.

Got a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

So, for this week's edition of The Gripe Report, we're going to dig into food packaging.

I'm going to give my fiancée a well-deserved break from hearing me complain about this stuff, which means now, it's your turn.

Lucky you!

Packs like this are fine, but if you chew one piece and forget it in your back pocket, you're about to send a baker's dozen pieces of gum through the wash. (Getty Images)

Gum

I recently ordered a ton of gum on Amazon. I believe the most accurate metric unit to measure it all with would be an "assload."

I did this because I chew a lot of gum. After all, it keeps me from snacking, but it has the added benefit of making me look a little Burt Reynolds-ish. 

Not in the face, just in the gum-chewing.

Anyway, I got sick of buying gum in those round cupholder containers, which cost like six dollars a pop, so I did the math and realized I got more bang for my buck if I ordered a bunch of those trifold style packs of Trident.

But do you know what I realized I missed? Packs of gum with like five sticks in them. The kind that you ripped the end off of. Various Wrigley's offerings and Extra used to come like that since I believe the dawn of time, until at some point, they all flipped to one of those cardboard pouches with the flap.

First of all, I think gum is the only product in history that now comes in more packaging than it used to. Everyone else tried to reduce it and go green, while gum was like, "F–k your environment and the underside of your park benches."

Sure, they put more pieces in those cardboard pouches, but that’s my issue with them. I can’t tell you how many times I put a full pack of gum in my pocket, forgot it was in there, and sent my jeans through the wash with the gum still in there.

The same happens if you leave a pack in the center console of your car. The whole pack gets ruined.

So I kind of miss those little five-stick packs. They’re convenient, and if I ruin it, I’m only out three or four sticks of gum instead of a dozen.

C’mon, Big Gum; give the people — and by that I mean "me" — what they want.

Lifesavers Gummies

My fiancée and I were watching old commercials recently, and I was reminded of the majesty that was the old way that Lifesavers Gummies used to be packaged.

I forgot that they came in a long wrapper, and inside that wrapper was a plastic tray in which each gummy was nicely slotted.

It was awesome, it was like an ammo mag of candy. I loved it.

I had forgotten about it because they haven’t done this in at least a decade, maybe fifteen years or more.

Now, they just throw all the gummies in a plastic bag so they can all stick together in one big amorphous blob.

Come on, Lifesavers, have a little pride.

Someone is going to get too handsy with this bag rip the whole thing open. (Gerty Images)

Chip Bags

I know we all hate how they fill half a bag of chips with air to make you think you’re getting more than you are, but my problem is with the bag itself.

They need to develop a bag that won’t tear down the side or at the seam so easily. I hate it when someone gets just a little too aggressive, grabs a handful of kettle chips, and causes a small tear in the bag. Then, the next person puts their hand in and the bag rips down the side like it’s wearing a pair of tearaway pants.

Like, I’m not saying they need to be made from Kevlar, but a little reinforcement at the standard stress points so that my sack of Cheetos doesn’t get ruined would be appreciated.

But, if you don’t want to beef up your bags, there is another option, and that is that you could go the resealable route.

Speaking of which…

Anything That Isn’t Resealable

I can live with not having flying cars or robot butlers, but not having every item come in resealable packaging in the Year of our Lord 2025 is just ridiculous.

I’m not a fan of government intervention, but this would be a good time for it.

I don’t want to hear a single word about food waste until every single bag on the shelves of your local supermarket has some kind of zipping or sealing mechanism.

It’s crazy. I don’t know if Big Chip Clip is keeping widespread adoption of this technology from being adopted or what, but this should've happened decades ago.

The only thing I hate more than something without a resealing bag is something with a resealing bag that rips off or doesn't function.

That's one of the most enraging things that happens to me on a semi-regular basis. Every time I fall victim to this, I feel like Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode about the last man on Earth who wants to just sit and read books, but accidentally smashes his glasses.

See how this is just one cup? Hey, Starbucks: it should always be like this! (Getty Images)

Starbucks Double-Cupping

This is very specific, and I may have talked about it before (the Gripe Report archives are getting rather extensive), but we're talking about it because it drives me insane.

I know a lot of people hate Starbucks, but I just treat it almost like a bank or a post office. It's the place where I get coffee when I'm out and about.

Black drip coffee, by the way. I'm an adult.

Now, I like their coffee — although I'm fired up about a McDonald's opening up the road because I love their coffee even if it comes out at a temperature slightly cooler than the Earth's core — but the baristas always do something that drives me insane.

They double cup.

Now, when you get a cup of coffee, they put one of those little sleeves on there so you don't burn your hand. But, I'd say every third time or so that I get a grande Pike Place, it comes double-cupped for extra hand protection.

That's all well and good, but the extra cup makes the lid fit improperly. 

I've had these double-cupped drinks leak all over my hands, shirt, and handsomely chiseled face more times than I can count. This makes me wonder: what the f--k is the point?

I think the idea is so I don't burn my hands. But if it now leaks all over my hands and face… isn't that worse?

If I catch a double-cup early, I take care of matters myself. But sometimes I don't notice it until coffee spills in my crotch.

I shouldn't have to double-check the barista's work to make sure they don't double-cup.

I hate when people say this, but seriously, please do better.

…

That's it for this week, folks!

Thanks for joining us, and be sure to send in your own gripes for a future edition of The Gripe Report!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com