'Black Coffee Isn’t Complicated, So Why Do Baristas Keep Trying To Screw It Up?' And Other Coffee Gripes

Happy Tuesday, folks! Come on in, I just whipped up a piping-hot mug of gripes for you in a fresh edition of The Gripe Report!

That's right, this week we're talking about coffee and everything that comes with it.

Every day of my life starts with carrying my dog downstairs (Hi Carl! Whoosa good boy? Whoosa good boy?!), turning on the local news, and then making myself a pot of coffee to de-zombify myself after a good night's sleep.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

It's one of the best parts of my day, but there's still plenty to gripe about, especially when you go out to get your coffee.

So, let's all grab a toasty beverage and settle in for some griping.

Coffee in it's simplest form is still somehow how difficult to order at times. (Getty Images)

People Not Knowing What ‘Black’ Means

My coffee order is simple: "One black coffee."

The beauty of this is that it should mean this is the end of the ordering process, but it’s wild how often my simple order receives a follow-up question.

"Would you like cream or sugar with that?"

…

…no.

This happens so often, and I can’t figure out what the reason is. Do people who make coffee for a living not know one of the most basic coffee terms?

They don’t bat an eye at a double caramel macchiato with almond milk and foam and a party hat or whatever, but "black" befuddled them.

Perhaps it’s that some people are protective of their beverage and order a black cup, which they will then doctor up with all kinds of nonsense on their own.

But I feel like those people should just order "coffee" and then the barista should ask if they want to pretty it up.

If I say "black coffee," they should know that I mean business and I want that rocket fuel as is.

The other explanation I can think of is that these baristas are on autopilot and after they key in my order, another prompt asks about cream and sugar. I’d say they should just skip it since I said I wanted it black, but I also understand the fine art of covering one’s ass.

Maybe they just need another option on that screen that says "black coffee because he’s an adult and knows what he wants," that way we can save a few seconds by not having a useless exchange.

Flavored Coffee

I love the taste of a nice cup of coffee, but do you know what I've never said after taking a sip?

"Hey, this would be much better if it tasted like candy bars…"

It's never happened. Not once.

I don't really understand why coffee now comes in all kinds of flavors, like various desserts, fruits, and other non-coffee foods and beverages. 

This isn't just a coffee thing either. How often do you go out to eat, look through the beer list, and there's a porter that tastes like Boston cream pie, or whatever?

Maybe they're alright, but if you want coffee, don't you want it to taste like coffee? 

If your coffee order looks like this, it's time to stop lying to yourself and just go get a milkshake somewhere. (Getty Images)

Coffees That Are Basically Just Milkshakes

While we're on the topic of flavored coffee, let's go a step beyond it.

Coffee that is flavored is still way better than a thimble of coffee cranked full of all kinds of syrups and milks and sugars, and creams to the point that it's kind of just a milkshake.

I mean, I'm no dietitian, but getting your daily dose of sugar and calories in one cup of coffee seems like a mistake, right?

It's like trail mix. People go, "Trail mix is healthy because it has nuts and raisins in it."

Yeah, but it also has like six packs of M&M's in it.

Coffee isn't too bad for you, but that's black coffee. Once you start throwing in syrups and melted ice cream and gummy bears or whatever, it suddenly becomes just a tad less healthy.

I'm just sick of people lying to themselves. If your coffee comes with a garnish of caramel corn on top, you probably don't like coffee and should just go get a milkshake.

"Look out everyone, Kubrick is hard at work!" (Getty Images)

People Who Make A Production Out Of Working In A Coffee Shop

Go into any coffee shop, be it a Starbucks or just a little mom-and-pop joint, and you'll see people doing work.

Nothing wrong with that. If you need a place to write some emails or whatever, it has coffee and Wi-Fi.

But it drives me nuts when people make a production of how they're working in a coffee shop.

We all know about the people who try to subtly let everyone see that they're working on a lousy screenplay or click-clacking away on some young adult novel that is just derivative of every one that has ever been published.

They set up mission control and then snap some pictures for the ‘Gram so that everyone knows that they’re "making moves."

But, do you know who doesn't have time to stage their workspace for social media clout?

People who are actually working!

I realized recently that the only times I've ever gone and sat at a coffee joint to do work were times when it wasn't up to me, and I wasn't happy about it. I was there because the power or Internet was out, so I had to chuck the necessities in a bag and burn rubber down to Starbucks so I could keep cranking out the kind of magic you're reading right now.

You're welcome.

I wouldn't call myself a hero, but if you want to call me that, I won't stop you…

Biscotti 

This isn’t so much a gripe as it is an observation. I know it’s no The Observation Report, but seeing as I’m the Grand Poobah of this here column, I’ll allow it.

About a week ago, I hit the Starbucks at Universal Studios Citywalk because I needed something to warm me up on a frigid (for Florida) 53-degree evening.

I ordered my standard black coffee (yes, I was asked if I wanted cream or sugar in it) when I noticed an array of biscotti.

Biscotti always blew my mind because if you unwrapped it and took a bite, not only would you say, "This is booty cheeks," you might also crack a tooth.

But one dunk in your coffee, and it becomes fantastic.

To my knowledge, it’s the only thing in the cookie family or cookie-adjacent that does this. Sure, you can dunk any cookie, but those generally start out tasting good. A biscotti is the only thing that starts like a giant inedible crouton, only for its deliciousness to be coffee-activated.

Bro is about to misspell your name so hard. (Getty Images)

Baristas’ Inability To Understand My Name

I have a very common — and very handsome name — so it’s crazy how often they get it wrong.

It's "Matt."

One classy "M," followed by a defined "A" and a dashing pair of "Ts."

Some would say it's the perfect name.

But not for ordering a beverage, it isn't perfect.

I've gotten cups with "Max" on them.

I've gotten others that said "Nat" or "Mac."

One time, I even got "Pat."

I have an easy name, so I have to think it must be Hell on Earth for anyone with a more complicated name than mine, which is probably most people.

Here's the remedy to this: turn down the Josh Groban in the store, and make baristas take semi-annual hearing tests.

If they need hearing aids, I'm sure their union-based health plan will cover them.

…

That's it for this week. That got me thirsty. I might have to fire up my trusted Keurig two-in-one coffee machine and whip up a pot.

Thanks for checking out The Gripe Report, and if you've got a gripe for a future edition, feel free to send it in: matthew.reigle@outkick.com