Freestyle Soda Machines Are A Plague And I'm Tired Of Pretending They Aren't
America is a worse place with Freestyle Soda machines in it.
There are very few things in life that truly bring me joy, but going out to eat is one of them.
It's something I have had to fight my wife for, tooth-and-nail, for a long time, but there's something so nice about either being waited on hand-and-foot by someone, or going to a fast food restaurant where the meal is already made for you.
In other words: why am I making a mess in my kitchen making a burger when I can just run down to Culver's and get one at a slightly steeper fee?
All that is to say, I consider myself a connoiseur of fast and fast-casual dining options, but there is one deal-breaker that will literally make me walk out of the establishment if I see it.
Freestyle Coca-Cola machines.
These things are a plague and are one of the biggest banes of my existence.
I am a purist and a traditionalist (shocker) when it comes to soda, and the visceral disgust I feel when I see the lights beaming from this machine as I walk through the door of a fast food or fast-casual restaurant is palpable.
I felt seen when I searched X for some backup on the topic after I got back from my local fast food joint (I don't want to name names here) after eschewing the soda options thanks to their Freestyle machine.
We're adults here. We drink original flavors of soda. These wacky flavors seem like futile attempts to appeal to 12-year-olds with desensitized tastebuds.
If I wanted Orange Vanilla Coffee Bean Coke, I'd go to EPCOT, but I just want a classic Coke with my burger. Thank you very much.
And it's not just that the flavors are available, either.
Every time I pour myself a Coke from these spawns of Satan, I can taste every color of the rainbow mixed in thanks to all 56 different flavors being poured from the same nozzle.
The sooner we abolish these abominations, the better.
Forget taxes or the border, get me a candidate who will outlaw Freestyle Coca-Cola machines on day one of their presidency, and I will be first in line to vote for them.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to mainline a bottle of original Coke to get my tastebuds back to stasis.