The Sacred Free Hotel Breakfast Is Under Attack By Moochers, And It Must Be Protected
Don't ruin this for me, you freeloaders...
I'm a simple man who seeks out simple pleasures. One such pleasure? The complimentary hotel breakfast.
I can't tell you how many times I've had a terrible night's sleep in a Hampton Inn. Not because the bed was uncomfortable or anything. I just lay there thinking, "I wonder if they're going to have those perfectly folded cheese omelets or some biscuits and gravy?"
If anything is free and given out in a hotel lobby, it's automatically awesome. Breakfast, coffee, cookies, and pamphlets for Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament. All great.
I even like the gamble of booking a hotel and not knowing if you'll get one with a full-on breakfast smorgasbord or if they'll just throw a snapped-in-half granola bar at you and tell you to take it or get bent.
It's exhilarating.
However, I recently became concerned that these could go the way of the dodo, because some people on Reddit — the favorite internet hangout of your creepy cousin who doesn't talk much — are sharing their tips and tricks for stealing food from these hotel buffets.
"Enter any mid-class hotel (ex: Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn, Days Inn, etc.) right around the time they start serving breakfast, and the lobby is empty. Most hotels of this class serve free breakfast," the original poster writes. "Walk to the bathroom and stay there for 10 minutes or so. Walk to the breakfast bar and eat. As long as you don't look homeless, you'll be ok. If questioned by anyone, say you're waiting on your wife/husband to come down."
Others chimed in with their bits and pieces of advice, and as I could read them, I could feel my blood pressure going up (at least, I hope that's why my blood pressure was going up and not just poor overall health).
It's… it's beautiful. (Getty Images)
Stop Stealing From Buffets, Or They'll Take Them Away From Us Law-Abiding Citizens
Guys, we all know how easy this is. I'm a chronic rule-follower, and I even know how to do this. You just go in, act like you belong, and if someone asks what room you're in (they won't), just pick a number that could conceivably be a real room in that hotel.
My go-to would be room 237. That's only because it's the room with the old lady in the bathtub from The Shining.
I like to put fun pop culture Easter eggs in my lies…
Hotels have to know this is going on, too. The more people realize they can mosey into a Hampton Inn that they're not staying in and just make their own waffle, the more likely the hotels are to start putting their waffle irons behind lock and key.
Or, worse, they could stop offering it altogether.
Well, guess what? You're going to have to pry the powdered biscuits and gravy and microwaved oatmeal from my cold, dead hands.
Have a little dignity. Don't steal food from a hotel when there's a Bob Evans' or a McDonald's across the parking lot, where you can get some cheap grub.
I spent $120 to stay at this Hampton Inn just off the highway because 1). I didn't want to stay at a relative's house, and 2). the possibility of a previously frozen, perfectly folded Western omelet.
Don't ruin this for me….
…I mean, us…
…but mostly me.