Florida Declares War On Paper Straw Mandates, And It’s About Damn Time

We're about to close out 2025, a few hours from now, as I click-clack away on this article, and it looks like the great state of Florida has the opportunity to start 2026 with one of the biggest W's any state has had in years.

Two identical bills — Senate Bill 958 and House Bill 2195 — are attempting to make it through the state legislature with the goal of putting an end to the scourge that is paper straw mandates.

Hell to the yes.

It's hacky at this point to whine about paper straws, but that hasn't stopped me before, so I'm going to go ahead and do it.

Just this weekend, my wife and I went out for an early New Year's dinner, and I ordered a cocktail that came with a paper straw. 

I used it because I'm an idiot. What I should've done was pluck it out of my drink and wing it across the restaurant in an act of protest, because all that soggy roll of pulp did was ruin my drink.

The universal sign that you should go to a better bar or restaurant. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

That alone should get them banished from the Sunshine State, but research suggesting they may contain harmful chemicals is another good reason to tell them to pound sand.

"Many businesses and communities in this state are using paper drinking straws and stirrers as a purportedly better option for public health and the environment," HB 2195 reads, per Fox News Digital. "However, independent university studies have shown that most paper straws contain harmful PFAS chemicals, exposure to which is linked to concerning health risks."

The bill would require any city looking to impose regulations on straws to require ones that are "renewable, home- and industrial-compostable certified and marine biodegradable."

So, not paper, and not the old kind of plastic, but there are still plenty of options.

Ever try an agave straw? Now that's a straw. 

They solve all of these problems without turning to mush and making your $18 cocktail taste like you're drinking it out of a Dixie cup.

Do we all remember this madness started with one clip of a turtle with a straw up its nose? I mean, that sucks, but do you realize what a one-in-a-million shot that is? The ocean is giant, and sea turtle nostrils aren't exactly huge. 

That turtle zigged when the straw zagged and — voila! — Every drink I've had since has tasted like s--t.

As I said, I was bummed about it too, but — call me crazy — a turtle not swerving out of the way of a straw in the ocean where there's plenty of room to swim should not dictate policy.

So, come on, my adopted home state of Florida, do the right thing and kill off paper straw mandates… when the bill goes into effect in 2027.