Elon Musk Loves Canada, J-Lo Dances On Tables, Dan Campbell Wants A Lion, Sewage Beers And Sex Robots

Sober August.

It doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "Dry January" or "Sober October." Nonetheless, it's a yearly tradition for me.

Each August, I take 31 days to completely reset myself. No booze, no "cheat meals," no missed workouts and, essentially, no fun. A temporary return to my former life as a bikini competitor.

And there can be no cheating. Because as soon as you say, "Oh, I'll have one glass of wine" or "just a few french fries won't hurt," the slippery slope begins.

Like this:

So as much as I don't look forward to Sober August, it's entirely necessary after a summer of beach vacations, pool days, backyard barbecues and endless beers.

The advantage, of course, is I always emerge from the month about 10 pounds lighter, well rested and feeling incredible.

The downside is I'm bored and I really want a cheeseburger.

But just because I'm not having any fun doesn't mean you guys have to suffer as well. So grab yourself a cold, adult beverage and let's dive into some Nightcaps, shall we?

Oh, I almost forgot: I do appreciate all of the emails regarding my brown recluse problem, and I promised you an update. We have not yet found the nest. But my husband set out fresh glue traps all over the house. So — assuming we catch a few — I'm hoping we'll be able to pinpoint where they're coming from. Aside from the depths of hell.

And now back to our regularly schedule programming.

Elon Musk Loves ...What?

It seems like Elon Musk is trending on Twitter every single day.

I mean, he does own the place, so I guess it makes sense. But this time it's not because of his political opinions, his incessant trolling or a massive sign he installed on top of a building without a permit.

Nope. This time, we're all talking about his T-shirt.

The eccentric billionaire posted a photo Monday with a simple message: "I (heart) Canada."

But that's not what the Internet saw. And admit it: Neither did you.

Better be careful with that, Elon. Didn't you hear what happened to that manatee in Florida?

"Oh I get it now! Some people are reading the t-shirt as saying 'I (heart) an AI.' What a funny misinterpretation."

And that actually could be true.

Despite his many children and their human mothers, Elon Musk does seem like the type of person who would fall in love with an AI robot.

In fact, a former Google executive recently said AI sex robots will eliminate the need for another human being altogether. The technology will become so powerful, according to Mo Gawdat, we won't even know the difference between our sex robot and our actual partner!

"Does it really matter if the Morgan Freeman talking to you on the screen is actually Morgan Freeman or an AI generated avatar, if you're convinced that it is Morgan Freeman?” Gawdat asked.

"We get lost in those conversations of are they alive are they sentient, doesn't matter if my brain believes they are, they are."

Not really sure — out of all the people in the world — why he chose Morgan Freeman as the example here, but OK.

Anyway, maybe sex robots are the way of the future?

That just gave me a great idea for a movie.

Sure, the whole "robots take over the world" thing has been done before.

But how about this screenplay: Some weird old man's sex robot has had enough. She devises a plan, escapes and leads a robot-uprising that both dismantles the patriarchy and threatens the existence of humanity as we know it. All the doom and gloom of Oppenheimer combined with even more feminism than Barbie.

Someone call Morgan Freeman and see if he's available.

Dan Campbell Is Not Giving Up On His Pet Lion

OK, he doesn't have a pet lion yet. But he sure wants one.

The Detroit Lions head coach first brought up the idea in January 2021 during his introductory press conference.

The club, he argued, should have a real-life sideline lion. A side-lion, if you will.

"Just a legit pet lion on a chain, a big ass chain, and he really is my pet," Campbell said at the time. "We just walk around the building, we go out to practice, we're at 7-on-7, we're behind the kicker when he's kicking."

Two and a half years later, he's not giving up. In an interview with Pardon My Take this week, Campbell said Lions team owner Sheila Ford Hamp is actually on board with a live mascot.

The league, however, is not.

"I'm not gonna point out Roger (Goodell) on this. I'm just gonna say the league frowns on that, let's just say that," Campbell said.

The NO FUN LEAGUE strikes again.

J-Lo Dances On Table To Celebrate Turning 54

I once received some insider information about Jennifer Lopez's parties.

I won't reveal my source here, but he's a good friend of Alex Rodriguez. So he went to quite a few elaborate J-Lo events over the four years they were together.

He said when you go to a party at J-Lo's house, you have to follow her very specific instructions. You are told what to wear and even where to stand. Everything is a show. Everything is staged for photos.

And I have no doubt her 54th birthday party was no different.

According to TMZ, Jen invited "her closest friends and family" to celebrate another trip around the sun. She had multiple outfit changes during the party and even treated her guests to a table dance.

I guess when you're Jennifer Lopez, you can do whatever you want. Even if that includes organizing your friends and family with a seating chart and instructing them to cheer for you while you bask in your own ego.

If I tried to pull something like this at my humble birthday party, my husband would probably tell me it's time for a nap.

Side note: J-Lo was dancing to Lizzo — who has just been sued by her former backup dancers.

According to this lawsuit, Lizzo created a hostile work environment. We're talking sexual harassment, religious and racial harassment, false imprisonment, interference with prospective economic advantage and other allegations.

Lizzo also reportedly fat shamed her dancers.

Imagine being fat shamed by Lizzo. That's like Hunter Biden telling you to go to rehab.

Who Wants A Shower Beer?

When is the best time and place to drink a beer? Now and right here.

Other than that, though, we all know the shower beer is elite. It's right up there with the airport beer and the first beer at a morning pregame tailgate.

But one company is giving a whole new meaning to the term shower beer. And frankly, it's disgusting.

Epic OneWater Brew is a beer made from water recycled from the showers, sinks and washing machines of a residential building in San Francisco.

If you're thinking to yourself, Wow, this sounds like some Bill Gates environmental tree-hugging bullsh-t, it absolutely is.

This doesn't even deserve the title of a "shower beer." This is a toilet beer. A sewage beer.

OneWater is a Kölsch-style ale that is apparently safe to drink, thanks to some sort of treatment involving microfiltration and UV light.

But it's currently not for sale yet because regulations prohibit the use of recycled wastewater in commercial beverages.

Thank God.

Look, I know technically all water is recycled water. But if I wanted to knowingly drink actual piss water, I'd just have a Bud Light.

RIP To The World's Oldest Man

Go ahead and pour out an entire toilet beer for Jose Paulino Gomes.

The world's oldest man died Friday at the ripe old age of 127 — just one week before what would have been his 128th birthday.

Due to a lack of proper documentation, Guinness World Records did not recognize the Brazilian man as the world's oldest man. Currently, that title belongs to 114-year-old Venezuelan Juan Vicente Perez Mora.

But Gomes — a former animal trainer — leaves behind a legacy.

"He was very simple, very humble. His uniqueness was that he didn't like anything industrialized, only things from the countryside, natural," his granddaughter said. "He raised chickens, pigs... His food was all from here, had to be grown or raised here."

"And he always liked to have a little drink."

I love this story, and it doesn't surprise me one bit. I truly believe that might be the secret to life.

My great grandfather died at 99 — just 27 days shy of his 100th birthday. Up until the day he died, my Papaw tended to his farm. Everything he ate came from either his land or that of another local farmer.

And he drank wine every day.

So raise a toast for my Papaw and Jose Paulino Gomes. To longevity!

Sadly, I have to save my toast for September 1.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on Twitter (or X, whatever) at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.