CNN Is Pushing Woke Toilets

They came for your gas stove. They came for your lawn mower. They came for your pizza oven. Now they're coming for your shitter. 

"Is it time to revolutionize the toilet?" CNN asked on Thursday in a piece by it's Style & Design team where writer Jacqui Palumbo, who likely prefers to drop a healthy triple-curler deuce on Sunday mornings into a flushing toilet after a wild night of hammering falafel sandwiches & Stellas at some woke NYC bar.

CNN is floating the idea that you should start thinking about using a different style of toilet.(Photo Illustration by Christof Koepsel/Getty Images/OutKick)

Back TF off, Jacqui. Leave your woke hands off my Kohler thrones. BTW, I just dropped in three new Kohler thrones here at the house and they just make you feel upper-middle class. They have a classy design, they're sturdy and they'll suck down a sleeve of golf balls. 

Anyway, let's get back to Woke CNN telling us we're all taking dumps the wrong way…climate change, bad for Planet Earth, blah, blah, blah. 

"…toilets are in desperate need of an upgrade — as is our entire approach to sewage, according to the many designers, environmental engineers and sanitation experts hoping to bring about a paradigm shift," Triple Curler Palumbo writes. 

Interesting. You go first, TCP. 

As part of her defense, Triple Curler Palumbo quotes a Finnish artist and architect named Arja Renell who thinks people should use a "dry" toilet where your urine is separated "from stool and is ventilated to keep odors out." 

Hmm, so the only way to save the planet is to tell the commoner that taking a dump in an outhouse is the only solution?

Screw it, I'm ready for the planet to burn to the ground. 

If it's either I take a dump in an outhouse or the planet burns to the ground, I choose my indoor plumbing. Now, if you want to build the world's best outhouse at your fishing lodge in Finland where you squeeze one out and save the planet, go for it. Squeeze away. 

If I'm crushing Taco Bell at 2 a.m. after getting BOMBED at the bar with the boys during March Madness after being holed up all winter with the kids and the wife, I'm taking a half-hour dump on my Kohler where I can give myself a courtesy flush. I'm not installing some cedar lodge shitbox in my house so some island in the Pacific Ocean doesn't flood or some village in the middle of Africa has a gallon of water. 

Look, we've been trying to save Africa from famine and lack of water for my entire adult life and yet these people keep living where there's no water. You'd think some government agency would figure out this problem by now. 

Until then, I'm going to keep taking a dump like normal.