CDC Issues Monkeypox Safe Sex Guidelines For You Absolute Savages

The big week for monkeypox rolls along with the news out of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention where the researchers have taken time out of their busy COVID life to draw up some fun safe sex guidelines for those of you who will be banging during the monkeypox era.

As if you didn't already know it was going to be a wild summer, the CDC drew up its monkeypox sex guidance while the World Health Organization Diversity & Inclusion team was meeting to rid the world of the term "monkeypox" because it could offend groups of people and nations.

The crazies are on the loose again and now they're issuing monkeypox sex rules, but they'll have to rewrite the handbook when the WHO renames monkeypox.

Let's get weird! Let's hear these monkeypox sex rules before Ted over at the WHO says you can't say "sex" and "monkeypox" in the same sentence.

Here we go:

The first thing the CDC wants you to do is go looking for pimples or blisters that might indicate someone is lit up with the pox. That's first, people! BLISTERS! POX! Pay attention!

I don't care if the room is dark because you don't want to see the other person as this is a one-nighter and slumpbuster. CHECK FOR BLISTERS on the anus, testicles, vagina, labia, etc.! We're talking analyze that one-night stand like you're buying a '73 Camaro.

That slumpbuster might end up infecting you with the pox and then you'll definitely regret turning on the lights.

• Next, be careful at raves, festivals, concerts, events of all sorts because you might end up kissing on some '4' at that rave and he/she might have the pox. Be alert at those saunas and sex clubs you guys frequent. The pox is thriving in these places, according to the CDC researchers.

• Now let's talk about boning during the pox.

Don't go having sex if you or your partner has been blistering via the pox. Let's have our heads on straight, people. Instead of boning, the CDC researchers are recommending virtual sex, masturbating while social distancing SIX FEET(!), bone with your clothes on to cover those nasty-ass blisters, don't kiss, wash all your sex toys, bedding etc.

And don't go boning multiple partners. That's how we spread the pox. Let's stop and think, people!

I know you're chuckling at the thought of listening to the CDC and its monkeypox sex rules, but when you stop and look at the numbers it really is eye-opening what's going on here.

As of early this week there have been 11 cases in New York. Africa has seen 72 deaths. It's getting wild out there. Turn those lights on and do your blister analysis. It just might save your life!

Written by
Joe Kinsey is the Senior Director of Content of OutKick and the editor of the Morning Screencaps column that examines a variety of stories taking place in real America. Kinsey is also the founder of OutKick’s Thursday Night Mowing League, America’s largest virtual mowing league. Kinsey graduated from University of Toledo.