Beachin' And Moanin': Here Are 8 Absolute Worst Things About A Day At The Beach

Happy Tuesday! I hope you had a great holiday weekend, but it's time to get down to business with a column that has more complaints than Rotten Tomatoes reviews for the live-action Snow White, The Gripe Report!

We're in the nougat center of summer, which means that everyone is going to make their way to America's glorious coastlines.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

That's all well and good, but let's not pretend that there's a whole bunch of nonsense that goes into a nice, relaxing day at the beach, and that's what we'll be talking about this week.

So, without further ado, let's get into it.

In this edition of The Gripe Report, we're running through the worst parts about spending the day on the beach. (Getty Images)

Parking

I had to think back for a second, but I don’t know that I’ve ever had a beach experience that didn’t start with some brand of parking fiasco.

Usually, it’s the inability to find a place to park without shelling out a borderline extortionate sum of money for some dude to make sure someone doesn’t steal the tires off of my 2022 Kia Forte.

I don’t know if coastal municipalities around the nation realize this, but beaches are pretty popular. Yet, they have less parking than most Cracker Barrels. I feel like most beaches have unused space that could become a parking lot. Like, even at high tide it’s like a football field between the edge of the water and the dunes. Let’s throw some off-street parking there.

I specify "off-street" parking because metered parking is an entirely different brand of nightmare.

Most of the time people forget that’s even a thing, so you roll up with no change to throw in a meter. And that’s if the meter takes change. Nowadays, you have to get an app then you have to stand there battling the glare on your screen and trying to find the meter’s ID number while everyone else with you is itching to boogie board.

Let’s get this figured out, beach towns.

There are a lot of dads who are might frustrated after wrestling with a beach canopy. (Getty Images)

Dragging All Of Your S--t And Setting Up Shop

This one ties into parking because even if you get a decent spot, you’re going to have to drag all of your beach gear across the sand to your preferred spot, and then you have to set it all up.

Every second of this sucks, and it starts with getting your stuff to the spot.

Even if you get one of those carts, it’s a pain to drag everything across the sand, especially when you’re trying to do it in flip-flops (or Crocs).

Then once you weave through the labyrinth of sunbathers, volleyball courts, sandcastles, and more it’s time to set up your spot.

This is the same thing I hate about camping. Before you can have fun you have a bunch of chores to do. 

Lay down the towels, set up the chairs, and wrestle with the little beach canopy thing that never goes up easily.

Are we having fun yet? 

Sand

If there’s one thing I would change about the beach, it’s the sand. 

Sure, I like digging my toes in the sand while having a drink and reading a book as much as the next fella, but I would prefer to leave the sand at the beach.

It, however, has other plans.

You’ll find sand all over the place even after you’ve rinsed off, and you’ll continue to feel grittiness in your car or house for weeks after you’ve moved inland.

I’ve always said I’d enjoy the beach more if the beach was replaced with concrete, although I realize I’m just describing a pool.

This may come as no surprise to you reading this so far, but I’m a big pool guy. I’ve even been described as one of the nation’s premier pool go-ers and drink next-to-ers.

I like watching Shark Week documentaries. I don't need to star in one. (Getty Images)

The Fact That Everything In The Ocean Can Kill You

I feel like there are signs that mankind was not meant to go in the ocean, and the fact that pretty much everything else that lives in it can kill you without thinking twice should probably be a sign that we were meant for dry land.

From sharks with blenders for teeth to poisonous fish to sting rays to Irukandji jellyfish to dolphins and orcas that are just pissed off about their brethren being forced to perform tricks, it’s all dangerous.

I'm not sure what it is about our brains that look out at a massive, salty soup full of monsters and say, "Yeah, I'm going to go frolic in that."

But, it gets better.
 

The Fact That The Ocean Itself Can Kill You

If you can get past everything that swims in the ocean, having the option of killing you if it wants to, then you still have to get past the fact that even if you took every slimy, Lovecraftian creature out of the ocean, the ocean itself can still kill you.

Sure, you can drown in a pool, but at least the pool doesn't just throw down some riptides and drag you out into the middle of it after you try to get out of it.

Even shallow water tries to kill you, or at least put you in a motorized wheelchair.

We've all had that scary moment when you catch a sweat wave while body surfing and the ocean decides to throw you head-first into a sand bar.

I mean, I have to ask again; are we having fun yet?!

Good luck enjoying your meal with this guy around. (Getty Images)

Eating On The Beach

Alright, folks; it's time for the beach to ruin lunch.

Down here in the Sunshine State, I believe the official state beach meal is a Publix sub, which is delicious, so it's a shame that the beach is going to add a little dusting of sand to every bite.

Nothing like a nice Italian sandwich with an occasional grain of sand thrown into the mix to get crunched by your molars.

And this is if you even get a chance to take a bite because some rats with wings hanging around make it their business to make sure you don't get to eat your food in peace.

They just stand there eyeing you like you're some stranger who wandered into the wrong neighborhood (which, in a way, is kind of true), then if you set your sandwich on top of a cooler or turn your head for even a second, Sayonara!

What a relaxing day at the beach.
 

Other People

Speaking of wildlife, let's talk about the other people you're sharing the beach with.

I don't think I've ever had a day at the beach where I wasn't wildly frustrated with at least one other party (although, I'm the Gripe Report Guy, so my average might be a little high).

One thing that always bugs me is when you get a nice spot on the sand — close to the boardwalk over the dunes, but not too close — and with a great view of the water, someone's family will come up and plop a massive tent right in front of you.

I also seem to pick spots next to people who seem to think I want to listen to their music selections. They are mistaken.

Then, you get a lot of kids running around. That's fine — it's the beach — but what drives me nuts is when they run and kick sand up in the air behind them, which lands all over my towel.

C'mon, parents! 

The Sun

And last, but certainly not least, that big ball of space fire baking all of us to a nice crisp is a nuisance.

Sure, it feels good for a little bit, but a few things drive me more nuts than a sunburn.

Sure, you can sit in the shade, but what about tanning up that milky body of yours? You've got to sit in the sun for a little bit, and I feel like these days I can't even put on enough sunscreen to stay burn-free.

I'm this close to buying a vat of Coppertone that I can just dunk myself in and emerge looking like some kind of B-movie monster with at least 75 SPF.

…

Anyway, I hope you have a nice trip to the beach this summer. If it ruined it for you, sorry, but it's time you learn.

If you've got a gripe that you want to see in a future edition of The Gripe Report, be sure to send it in: matthew.reigle@outkick.com