Reason No. 388 Why I Couldn't Be An Astronaut: Just Look At The Size Of The Capsule

We're getting ready to send astronauts on a trip around the moon for the first time in decades, and I'm not going to lie, I'm pumped about this.

For my entire life, it's been nothing but low-Earth orbit.

Pfft. Yawn.

But now, we're inching closer to putting boots back on the lunar surface. That's incredibly exciting, and it got me thinking about how cool it would be to set foot on the moon. 

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I'd love to get up there, do some science experiments with frogs mating in lower gravity or whatever, and then hit (read: shank) a couple of tee shots. I mean, if you think about it, the moon is kind of just Top Golf in space, since the craters are the targets. Better yet, less gravity lets that ball carry like you caught the cart path.

The only thing it's missing to be exactly like Top Golf is the food and the bay full of loud teenagers swinging haphazardly and scaring everyone.

I thought, if I got the chance, I'd happily accept an offer to do some moon-walkin'. However, this was because I assumed that the accommodations were a bit more spacious than they were back in the 1960s and 1970s.

Wrong.

The crew of Artemis II will be in a new Orion space capsule, which, as you can see, is not much bigger than the ones that last carried astronauts to the moon in 1972.

I couldn't do it.

I don't mean to be a diva, but it's like a ten-day trip. I'm going to need some kind of "Space Winnebago" if I'm going to do that.

Look, I get why it's small. Getting to the moon isn't easy; if it were, everyone would do it. But I get stressed out if I have to share small spaces with anyone other than my wife.

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Do you think carpool small talk is painful? Try dealing with that for days on end while everyone craps in bags.

Actually, this will be the first capsule with a toilet, so there won't be any bag-crapping.

But still, that's one toilet for four people for days. 

I couldn't do it. 

I'd get back, and people would be like, "How was the moon, Matt? You handsome astronaut, you," and I'd be like, "I think it was alright, I was kind of hung up on the small talk and toilet situations in the capsule. They wouldn't even let me take a Nintendo Switch, can you believe that? I just wanted to play Mario Kart! Something about weight or it taking away attention away from the mission, I can't remember, I wasn't really listening…"

So Godspeed to the crew of Artemis II, but until the accommodations get a little more spacious, I think I'm fine to just keep my feet right here on Earth.

We have TopGolfs with food here.