Alyssa Milano Is Crying Especially Hard About Politics This Week

Cheer up, toots. 

Here we are less than 48 hours from the holy day, a day of such joy and wonderment and celebration of baby Jesus. Meanwhile, constantly aggrieved Alyssa Milano is holed up in her house crying about politics like she's about to pull a Rosie O'Donnell. 

While normal women are wrapping gifts, baking cookies with their kids, making last-minute trips to the grocery to buy milk (for Santa) and a 30-rack of Busch Light for their husband, Alyssa, a mother of two, is jerking around on the Internet acting like her life is so miserable. 

"Shit, you guys. I’m so tired of just going about my life like this isn’t all nuts," Milano whined Monday. "NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL. I AM SO TIRED."

Blah, blah, blah. 

Imagine being married to this manic-depressive woman. But, it gets worse. Last week, Milano celebrated (not really, let's be real here, she doesn't celebrate much of anything in life) her 53rd birthday with a Substack post from bed where she wrote a huge pile of depressive words like she's some goth chick reliving the early 1990s. 

"Today is my birthday. I am fifty-three," she wrote on Substack. "This is around the age where doctors and influencers and ad companies all start using the same word about you, gently, almost in a whisper, like they’re apologizing in advance. ‘Elasticity.’

Blah, blah, blah. 

Alyssa Milano poses at a photo call for her joining the cast of the musical "Chicago" on Broadway at The Civilian Hotel Rosevale Cocktail Room on September 4, 2024 in New York City. (Photo by Bruce Glikas/Getty Images)

Even Rosie, who is a horrible person, isn't this ridiculous. She wears those stupid glasses and rambles on TikTok, but at least when she says something, we can turn it into a headline and pump out posts. Milano writes some essay on getting old, and it reads like some AI bot pumped it out. 

"It’s a word from physics. From fabrics. From rubber bands and waistlines and things designed to stretch and then, ideally, return," Milano rambles. "Skin loses elasticity. But what they’re really talking about isn’t vanity.

"It’s mechanics. It’s the body’s long relationship with force. The ability to stretch under pressure and return to itself. To be pulled and pulled and not break. To be changed and still remember some of your shape."

God help her husband, the one who allowed her to get on the Internet and beg for money so their son could go play in a travel ball tournament in Cooperstown a few years back. I keep thinking there's no way he's a massive cuck who just lets this stupidity go on. I try to stay positive.

I want to believe he married a woman who wasn't this annoying only for her to turn completely batshit nuts later in life and now the only way out is to give her a chunk of money and child support. The youngest, the one who went to Cooperstown thanks to money from OutKick founder Clay Travis, is like 14. 

Ladies, take a good look at what has become of Alyssa. Do the opposite. Get together with your girlfriends for cocktails. Throw a sex toy party, or whatever you do for fun in your early 50s. Put together a trivia team and travel around the area dominating boy band trivia contests. 

Buy a Harley and form a biker gang. Create a BBQ cooking club where you and the girls cook up plates of MEAT. Do something. Anything. Do not let yourself turn into Alyssa Milano. You'll thank me later. 

Merry Christmas, ladies.