All The World's A Stage, But You're Still Not Going To Get Discovered In This Guitar Center

It's Tuesday, which means it's time for another edition of The Gripe Report, the column that has probably kept more than a few people from having to attend court-mandated anger management classes.

This week, I want to get started with a couple of responses to a topic that really got people talking, and that was the apparent scam that is full-body deodorant.

I don't like to stink. You don't like to stink. But somehow, full-body deodorant has become a new thing over the last couple of years, despite most of us having our funk well under control.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Our first email comes from PCA, who has definitely seen the same commercials I have that led to my original gripe about full-body deodorant:

It's funny that you wrote this Gripe Report on the very thing I have been muttering to myself every time I see a Mando Whole Body Deodorant commercial for the past few years (or more).

You have this cheerful Shannon Klingmann lady who claims to be a Gynecologist MD urging men and women to spray some God-forsaken chemical all over our bodies for round the clock protection from funky odors, and from day one of seeing this nonsense, I mutter that we can either use this product, or do what humans have done since beyond the Stone Ages- which is to take a daily shower with soap and water!  

Thanks, though, Shannon!  Holy Kimonos…..

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The subtext about the inventor of full-body deodorant being a gynecologist is absolutely hilarious.

I mean, I like to think this lady just had it during a rough day at work, walked out into her waiting room, and declared, "Deodorant isn't just for pits, ladies."

Then she slammed the door behind her, and a light bulb went off, then dollar signs appeared in her eyes like a Tex Avery character.

Apparently people haven't heard of soap and water and are just slathering deodorant all over themselves. (Getty Images)

That's the one thing that makes me think it may not be a cash grab. Perhaps it was just the work of one lady who was sick of having to put dabs of Vicks Vapor Rub under her nostrils like she's about to perform an autopsy.

As Jack pointed out, there's a simple tried-and-true solution to stink:

 Ya know what's better than a concoction that is supposed to mask your 72 musk for 72 hours . . . ?  Actually taking a shower!  Yep, running water and personal hygiene has done more for civilization than vaccines.

Can’t believe people buy that crap.

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I can't either, especially when I've seen what "full-body deodorant sells for. I've seen it going for like $15 a stick. I get like 5 sticks of Degree (no free ads) for that much at Costco, and I still have enough left over to score a hot dog and a Pepsi Zero for my troubles.

But good luck escaping the scourge of full-body deodorant, because as Ryan points out, the ads for it run practically nonstop:

I know this is partly self-inflicted because I’m cheap and only pay for streaming subscriptions with ads, but my god, it’s like the same ad rotation every commercial break!  Also, why are the ads all chime credit cards, GLP-1 shots, whole body deodorant (hat tip), and AIDS medicine??  Like, are these really the things that move the needle that the people are craving?  Probably why I’m not employed in marketing.

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Yeah, it is weird that they seem to think anyone who refuses to pony up for the ad-free version of a streaming service (*raises hand*) must be fat, sick, foul-smelling oafs with poor credit.

Some of those things might be true, but not all of them…

Anyway, let's move on to something that stinks but in a different way.

It's one thing to play the opening lick of "Sweet Home Alabama" while testing out a Gibson SG, it's another to start a full on performance while others are just trying to buy 

People Who Insist On Performing In Guitar Stores

I’ve been playing guitar since I was a kid, and there are few things I love more than hitting a guitar store and having a look around.

The beauty of guitar stores is you can go in, play some guitars you’re not going to buy, and then leave (although I sometimes grab picks or strings as a goodwill gesture).

The other week, my fiancée went out to look at wedding rings, and once we were done I said, "Since we’re on this side of town and it’s like 10 minutes away, how about we swing by Guitar Center," which means she sits there while I strum Telecasters, Stratocasters and Jazzmasters for forty minutes.

However, two trips to Guitar Center in a row have left me frustrated about the exact same thing, and that’s people who insist on performing in the middle of the store.

Not sitting there with a Les Paul plugged into a Marshall and throwing down some blues licks or the intro of "Stairway To Heaven." I’m talking full-on performing.

The first time this happened it was a girl who was probably 15 years old or so, and at the urging of her family, she started playing some song and singing right in front of the cash register where a certain very handsome writer was trying to buy some guitar picks (which he put back in frustration while muttering under his breath something about how, "This isn’t America’s Got Talent.").

Then this time, I was test-driving some nylon string and resonator guitars in the acoustic room. Some dude was in the room where they kept all the very expensive acoustic guitars, and belting out some song at the top of his lungs to the point that he chased some other dude out of the room.

This drives me nuts because it feels like the motivation behind it is that they think someone will walk into Guitar Center, hear them, and hand them a record deal like Lana Turner sitting at a soda fountain.

It has never happened. It’s not going to happen. 

So, please, quiet down so the rest of us can play some guitars we can’t afford.

It felt like this dude wanted someone to say, "Hey, that sounds pretty good," so he could be like, "Yeah, it's just a little something I've been playing around with; I'm a songwriter."

Unfortunately for him, that didn't happen, but he did get someone to complain about him on the internet, so that has to count for something, right?

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That's it for this week, folks!

Be sure to send in those gripes for a future edition of The Gripe Report!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com