The Dum Dum Dilemma: Can A Grown Man Help Himself To A Bank Lollipop Without Looking Like A Creep?

"Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Reigle, you're all set to go," said the bank teller.

"Thank you," I said. "You were very helpful."

"Before you leave, is there anything else I can help you with?"

My gaze shifted slightly to the mug with the bank logo sitting on the teller's desk; it was full of Dum Dum lollipops. I wanted one, but didn't know what to do.

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I hadn't had a Dum Dum in about 9 months. I was getting on a parking shuttle at an IndyCar race, and a nice volunteer had a plastic bag full of them.

"Dum Dum?" she asked.

I took a second to make sure she was offering me candy, and not calling me a name. Fortunately, it checked out.

I was always told not to take candy from strangers, but I'm an adult, dammit, so I took one and it was great.

I wanted to relive that feeling at my bank, but are lollipops even okay for adults to eat in public? I think it depends on the top of the lollipop. If it's a giant spiral one, then you can't eat it without looking like Little Lord Fauntleroy on a carousel, but a Dum Dum can just sit in your cheek and vibe. That's okay, and some might say it looks kind of cool.

So, I decided that it was okay for me to eat, but this led to a new problem: how to take one?

The bank lollipops beckon you. (Getty Images)

Should I ask for one? Are they just for anyone to take? Is it bad form if I, as a 30-year-old man, help myself to another man's candy supply, especially if that candy supply is intended for kids who had to sit through their parents' loan application meeting?

I guess I could say we left the kids in the car, but 1). we don't have kids, and 2). that lie might cause some bigger headaches.

If they're on the desk unguarded, I guess they're fair game. It's not like he's going to bat my hand away as I go in to pluck out a lollipop. 

But then, should I just reach in and take one at random, or can I fish around a little for a good flavor?

I mean, I'm not going to this banker's mug like it's a crate of records, but I don't want to press my luck and wind up with a bad flavor.

I would want a fruit punch or perhaps a grape, but the problem is that so many of the red colors look alike. I'd really need to get in there and assess the situation. God forbid I get the yips and accidentally grab a s--tty bubblegum or buttered popcorn-flavored one.  

I'm still scarred by the times in my youth when I thought I had scored a blue raspberry Dum Dum only to rip off the wrapper and discover it was cotton candy flavored.

Now that's traumatic.

So, I suppose the best course of action is to split the difference. Fish around a little, but don't be a dick about it.

I was starting to formulate a game plan when suddenly I snapped back to reality.

"Anything else I can do, sir?" the banker asked.

I glanced at my wife, who was waiting for me to answer. I assume she was hoping I was doing some financial wizardry in my head, not plotting how to get a free lollipop.

But it was time to put up or shut up.

"I, uh…" I said as I glanced at the cup of candy again, longingly. "I… I think we're good. Thank you."

I had choked. Choked like a young, unsupervised child who hadn't been given a choke-proof lollipop with the looped stick (I still think you could choke on those, by the way. At least if you try hard enough).

My wife and I left the bank, then something hit me: I'm an adult with a job. I'll just buy my own damn lollipops.