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Kelly Stafford, wife of Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford, went into a doctor’s office seeking bigger breasts but instead, walked out with two balloons.
“Y’all, it was the worst boob job you have ever [seen],” Stafford told listeners of her podcast, The Morning After.
Earlier this week, Stafford detailed that for years, she longed to enhance her chesticles. The desire continued even after she met and began dating Matt, but once she decided to take the plunge, her dream surgery quickly turned into a knockers nightmare.
“I saved up a ton of money. I worked in high school, from birthdays, I just saved it all…,” said Stafford. “I went and got a boob job. And Matthew was totally against this. He was like, ‘Do not do it. Please don’t do it.’ And I was like, ‘Love you, but I’ve wanted this for a long time, and this is about me, it’s not about you.'”
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Soon-to-be hubby Matthew couldn’t convince Kelly to audible, and she underwent the knife, only to end up with a pair of party favors that weren’t worth celebrating.
“It was two balloons on my chest,” recalled Stafford. “It was so, so bad.”
Her botched boobies still weighing heavily on her chest and mind, Stafford returned to her doctor to explain that her new balloons were best suited for a pity party.
“I went into him a couple months later and was like, ‘These suck,’ and he was like, ‘It’s just ’cause you’re very muscular. You have to give them time to settle, gravity will pull them down.’”
(Vet move by the doctor there – sidestepping the melon mix up by offering a compliment. “You’re very muscular.” Well played doc, well played.)
And just a side note – do we want our lady’s boobs “settling” or being “pulled down”? I don’t think so. One overlooked aspect of a boob job, aside from the obvious size and shape, is the lift aspect. No one’s wants nips knocking knees, am I right?
Location, location, location.
“Gravity did not pull them down. A year later, I went back in and I said, ‘Yo, same shit,’” said Stafford via The Morning After.
Mrs. Stafford ultimately decided to have her cans recycled.
If there’s any good news to come out of this, it’s that the Rams are even more well endowed than we thought. Should their practice equipment break, their quarterback has a jugs machine at home.
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF