Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the best article on the Internet every week — the anonymous mailbag. As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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Okay, here we go:

“My friend is in a dilemma. His girlfriend recently moved in with him and while she was using his computer he told her, “Don’t look at my pictures!”

Naturally, she looks at his pictures and finds nudes of his ex-girlfriend. He is saying she is being crazy for wanting him to delete them and obviously he does not want to.

How does he proceed?”

He emails himself the photos and saves them there.

Then he makes a big show of deleting all the naked photos of his ex-girlfriend in front of his new girlfriend. While he does it he makes a big show of how he thought about her request and decided she was 100% right and he couldn’t take his current relationship seriously until he let go of all the evidence of his past relationship.

Voila, the perfect boyfriend.

(So long as the current girlfriend doesn’t catch him jerking off to photos on his phone of the ex-girlfriend).

“So I am the idiot who went off on Mike Milbury after the Predators lost on Sunday night. A couple friends and I went above NBCs section in the upper bowl and let Milbury have it. He absolutely deserved it after what he said about Subban during Game 5.

Turn your volume up when you hear this #Preds fan give his thoughts to Mike Milbury live on NBC’s #StanleyCup post-game coverage. pic.twitter.com/QqCf8Xix8s

— Grady Sas (@GradySas) June 12, 2017

My dilemma is that I do not want to come out and publicly claim this, as I fear I could lose my job. I have been with my company for over a year, and don’t think this is a good idea. The funny thing is, some guy has already claimed it and he went to my high school. I really want to call him out.

My question is, do you think this is a fireable offense?”

This is certainly a fireable offense.

If I’d been recorded screaming curse words at a reporter on live TV, I wouldn’t claim it publicly. Your friends know it’s you and what do you stand to gain here? A few retweets? A public battle with the other guy who claimed it was actually him cursing out Milbury?

The payoff here is just not worth it.

Now speaking as someone who has done many live TV broadcasts in front of crowds, screaming curse words at someone doing live TV is a juvenile move. It makes you look worse than anything you’re saying about the TV guy.

I do, however, find it interesting how rare something like this is compared to the abuse that many will hurl on social media. If most of you agree with me that you wouldn’t yell this in public, why would you send Tweets saying the same thing? I’m a big believer that your Tweets should be similar to what you’d say in real life.

You can rip me for lots of things, but I think anyone who watches Outkick the Show would acknowledge that I say the same things on there as I do on Twitter or this website.

So at least you weren’t a pussy here, you said what you actually believed in public for everyone to hear.

“This weekend me and my roommates threw a party. In effort to avoid the cluster that is CMA fest in Nashville, we hosted between 30-40 guests at our place. We live in a fancy neighborhood and we’re the only house on our street consisting of 4 single young professionals who still spend the majority of our free time boozing.

We’ve managed to have a very friendly relationship with one of our immediate next door neighbors. They relate to us well despite our age difference and the fact that they have two girls ages 3 and 5.

After a fun night, one of our guests who none of us really knew and looked like Spicoli from Fast Times, passed out on our couch. For some inexplicable reason during the middle of the night, he woke up and drunkenly walked next door — the neighbor’s door was open! — and passed out on our neighbor’s floor. Fortunately they’re out of town currently and we’re about 75% sure they’ll notice something’s out of place when they return. We’re considering chipping in for a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant and writing a sincere note letting them how sorry we are this happened; in which case they’ll 100% know.

I have no idea how someone (especially a parent) would react to the news a complete stranger essentially broke into your house and spent several hours in there. But what other option do we have?”

I would never say anything.

If they have a security camera and find out that a strange man came into their house and slept there, I would act surprised and say that you don’t know him. After all, he’s not a friend.

Your neighbors left the door unlocked when they went on vacation, which was dumb of them even though they live in a fancy neighborhood. You didn’t do anything wrong here, I’d keep my mouth shut. Speaking as a parent, if someone broke into our house after a party next door and I got a $100 gift certificate to Chili’s, it’s not like I’d feel as if that was a fair exchange.

On the negative side, a drunk stranger was wandering around in my house. But on the positive side — free fajitas and queso dip!

(Now if he puked inside their house or stole something, I’d clearly confess to knowing who the guy is. But right now you have no evidence that anything is out of place. This dude is just lucky he didn’t get shot.)

 

“I’m in desperate need of advice. My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend passed away about a month ago. Before she died he described their relationship as toxic. Cheating and drugs were involved and he cut ties completely. They were together for 4 years and she cheated numerous times, left him for his best friend, and pawned many of his things.

A month ago she died after numerous failed attempts of trying to contact him. He was devastated. He is still not completely himself. About 3 weeks ago I was with him and he reached for something. To my surprise, on his wrist was a tattoo that had a symbol and below the symbol the words “never alone.”

I was completely shocked. I had no idea he had even considered a tattoo until I saw it stamped on his wrist. We have plans to move in together September 1st, security deposit already paid. I’m having a very difficult time getting over this tattoo. Some days I’m okay, and other days I’m sick to my stomach about it. I can’t understand why it would say “never alone” when they weren’t even together when she was living.

I’m afraid to talk to him about it because he gets very upset if anything about her is brought up. However, he got drunk about a week ago and apologized for it, but it is never brought up sober. Is this tattoo a deal breaker? I care about him and want to be with him, but unsure if I can let this one go. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.”

Break up with him.

He’s dating you and got a tattoo to honor his ex-girlfriend. What’s more, if you bring her up he gets very upset. That means he’s not ready for a serious relationship with you. Someone else out there is better for you and there’s no point in fighting for this relationship.

I don’t know why women stick with crappy guys. It’s like once y’all invest enough time in a relationship, you’re afraid to leave. How does that make any sense? Would you keep a crappy car that didn’t run well instead of getting a new car that ran perfectly because of the time you’d spent together? How about staying in a crappy house that flooded all the time just because you’d spent years there instead of moving into a new one?

The only time you should fight to keep a relationship together is if you have kids together.

Otherwise, leave.

Every now and then someone emails me about going to counseling together AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED and I think to myself — “What the fuck are you guys doing?” If you have to go to relationship counseling to stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend then you need to end the relationship and find someone new. Because it’s just not working.

So break up now before you move in together and breaking up becomes more difficult. Ask for your security deposit back if you can, but in the event it’s not possible whatever you lose here is money well spent.

“My girlfriend said she has always had a thing for rockstars and hooked up with more than one after concerts in her younger days. (We are both in our early 30’s). She drops the names of two bands and they’re not Guns and Roses by any means but popular enough nationally known bands (at least at the time in question) and I knew exactly who they were.

However – and this is where my being a litigator is relevant – considering the uniqueness of the situation (for me, at least) I have genuine questions:
Which one of the band members did she hook up with (obviously I’m hoping she snagged the front man and wasn’t leftover for the drummer)?
Was it just those two bands?
Was it a one time deal after their respective shows in town, or did she hit the road?
Was she told she was the inspiration for any songs (truth of what was told to her is completely irrelevant)?
How did she swing getting to these guys, just #hotgirlprivilege or did she have a hook up to get back stage?

Those are just a few of the questions I have. As you know from your previous life as an attorney, just those five questions can open up an hour’s worth of additional related questions – the proverbial question rabbit hole.

As I stated, this conversation hit me out of left field and it has not even been acknowledged since. My question is: Is there a way for me resurrect this conversation and, if so, how do I do it in a way that conveys my genuine curiosity and not look like a judgmental prick? Or, should I just #DBAP as this is simply a no fly zone?”

You definitely have to ask for all the details here.

I don’t even see it as controversial move, she can’t toss out that she hooked up with members of bands as a groupie and not expect detailed follow up questions from you or anyone else. I think you conduct a thorough cross-examination here. You need to know every detail she can possibly remember. If you must, play the band’s albums and songs on Spotify as she shares the details.

I’d suggest bringing up the conversation when you’ve both had a few drinks.

If you’re too nervous to broach the subject, I’d suggest having her call into Outkick. I’ll ask all the questions. I’m thinking girls confess about the famous dudes they banged would be the greatest sports talk radio segment ever created. Are you telling me that any dude is changing the station during this conversation?

No way.

“Several years ago I found myself in a situation where my immense lack of desire to do laundry outlasted my stash of underwear in my dresser. That day a new man was born. I quickly realized the life changing experience of “going commando.” Jeans, khakis, golf course, work, etc. I go commando every day everywhere except working out. (I think this should go without saying but nobody wants to see what happens when a man works out with nothing under his gym shorts.)

People are often blown away at my lifestyle and my commitment to it (because people talk and word spreads) but I always flip the question back on them. “Why do you wear underwear?” and I never get a good answer in return. So what I have decided over these past few years is that underwear is worn because “you’re just supposed to wear it” although it’s far more uncomfortable and congested down there.

So I would love to know your thoughts on this matter and why is it not a more widely spread practice?”

I love the idea of the underwear industry just engaged in a massive conspiracy to keep underwear sales rolling. Big tobacco meet Big underwear.

I can’t speak for women, but I wear underwear for four primary reasons:

1. My penis is protected from getting caught in the zipper.

I think this is the best selling point for underwear. If you piss at a urinal and don’t have the buffer of underwear between your penis and your zipper then your odds of catching your penis in a zipper increase by, conservatively, a billion percent.

If I owned a male underwear company my entire marketing campaign would be to point out the pain that comes from zipper/penis injuries.

That’s why underwear lives matter.

2. I wear pants for multiple days in a row.

I’ll wear a pair of jeans for a week before I wash them. That’s because pants, except for athletic shorts, really don’t stink, at least not like shirts.

I have no idea how denim manages to smell the exact same no matter what you do in them, but it’s true. Jeans almost never stink.

But if I didn’t wear underwear I think they’d start to stink faster, which would necessitate more frequent pant washings.

3. The underwear fabric is softer than your average pant fabric.

Sure, if you’re wearing athletic shorts or soft khaki pants there’s no major issue with your penis coming in contact with the fabric, but what about jeans or some other chafing fabric, do you really want to put your penis in constant contact with something like this?

4. Prevents obvious erections.

For the younger men out there, wearing underwear keeps everyone from noticing when you become erect. I can’t imagine going through high school without wearing underwear. Can you imagine going to gym class in athletic shorts only? Next thing you know the high school volleyball or cheerleading team are jumping around and you look like you’re trying to hail a taxi.

It’s just a recipe for disaster.

“As you know, hot chick privilege knows no bounds.

I’m a highly specialized physician… I’m the guy that if you or your family member is seeing me in the hospital, someone is having a bad day. I’m also relatively busy and often feel rushed when seeing patients. Oftentimes my patients can’t talk to me because they’re so sick, so I have to discuss things with their family members.

Well I just got out of a room with my patient who was this old, hideous woman, but her granddaughter was a 9.5. Holy awesomeness. So here I am, I have a lot to do and many patients to see, and yet I find myself spending an absurd amount of time talking to the family. Her grandma is honestly getting higher quality care than my other patients. I can’t help myself.”

This hot chick’s grandma is going to live to be 105.

Let this be a lesson to everyone out there — if you have a male doctor, bring in the hot relatives if you want grandma to really survive.

Because #hotgirlprivilege is undefeated

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.