Anonymous Mailbag

Rejoice, it’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday, the only thing that Tennessee, Arkansas, and Texas A&M fans are all reading online today that has absolutely nothing to do with their respective coaching searches.

We’ve got an awesome contest for you guys over the next couple of weeks, all 14 videos from Outkick and The Home Loan Expert’s SEC tailgate tour are all up here. Vote for your favorite SEC school’s tailgate scene and the school that gets the most votes will win an Outkick on campus party.  

Seriously, this is going to be awesome, so go check it out and vote early and often for your favorite school here.

We traveled all across the SEC this fall on the @Outkick tour covering some of the best games and capturing the culture of each school’s fan base! Now it’s time to vote for your school! https://t.co/Zn9ACIpGsm #THLE pic.twitter.com/RSQYiLMcAH

— Hanna Yates (@HannaRaeYates) November 20, 2017

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag. As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

“So I hooked up with this girl in August of 2016 for a one night stand off tinder while I was living on the east coast. I moved across the country in mid 2017 and while I was swiping in California I matched with this same girl from the east coast. I guess she was visiting California. My problem is that this girl’s profile now said she is a mom and posted a picture of her kid and the birthday: May 2017. She’s black, I’m white, and the picture of the kid looks definitely mixed. I immediately freaked out and unmatched her. I used a condom so I don’t know how it could be mine unless she took my sperm out of the condom when I wasn’t looking. What legal suggestions do you have for me? Do I just pretend I never saw this? If she did steal my sperm does that absolve me of any child support requirements if I contact this girl?”

First, unless you’re a pro athlete, the scion of overseas royalty, or a multi-millionaire Silicon Valley stud, the odds of a woman stealing your sperm out of a condom to get pregnant are pretty damn low. (Aside, didn’t every girl Prince William ever slept with hope he would get her accidentally pregnant and marry her to make her a princess and make their eventual kid the king or queeen? Did he ever think about this and get nervous? How many girls do you think he actually slept with as a result? Before he slept with any girl did he think, “Could I see this girl as the next Queen of England?” Did this make Prince Charles’s sex discussion totally different than everyone else’s? Also, did any of these girls he slept with ever try and steal his sperm out of a condom to trap him into making her the eventual Queen of England? Finally, what would have happened if he’d gotten a girl pregnant and not married her? Does the kid have any royalty status given where we are as a society? Wouldn’t it be hard to discriminate against a bastard? This would have been a huge story, right? I have no so many questions about this. Also, how many girls do you think the newly engaged Prince Harry has slept with? It seems like he basically just said to hell with it for a couple of decades and banged everyone because he knew he was never going to be king. Also, and my questions could just continue here forever, which king do you think slept with the most women in his life and had the most bastards? I’d love to see an accurate ranking of this.)

But back to your big dilemma here, do you have a kid with a girl you matched with on Tinder and had random sex with? First, I’d probably Facebook stalk here to get more info about this kid. You can’t Facebook friend her, but surely someone else you know can, right? Having a kid is a big deal so I’m sure it’s well chronicled on her page. The dad is likely to be mentioned somewhere on her page.

You also have options on Instagram and Twitter which don’t even require that you be friends with her to find out this information.

You can also search baby registries online under name and see if there is a man’s name on it too.

Come on, there’s lots of info out there, use your Internet stalking brain.

Ultimately though I find it hard to believe a woman in today’s day and age would have a kid with a man and not tell him anything at all about it. Even if she’s having a kid with someone she met randomly on Tinder.

The only way I can see this being your kid is with one of these options checking out:

1. She didn’t know your first and last name, it was a truly a one night stand, and she hasn’t been able to contact you  and find you again. (Does Tinder store matches? I have no idea how this site works because I’d been married for a long time when it got popular.)

2. She was having sex with so many different white guys that month that she’s ashamed to have to contact them all and ask for a DNA test for all of them.

If, for instance, you had sex with ten guys in the same month, would there be some women too embarrassed to reach out to all ten guys and tell them she had no idea who the dad was?

3. The best bet here is that she was only sleeping with one primary guy — her boyfriend, with whom she wasn’t using protection — and she cheated with you and the boyfriend is the presumptive dad and has no idea there’s even the possibility it could be anyone else.

Everyone is just presuming it’s him and you have nothing to worry about at all.

As for whether or not you’d be responsible, yeah, you’d be responsible if it’s your kid regardless of how she got pregnant. It’s much more likely that a condom broke and leaked, by the way, then that she stole your sperm out of a used condom and finger banged herself with your sperm to get pregnant from a random guy she met on Tinder. All without you being any the wiser. FYI, sperm only lives outside the body for twenty minutes according to Google research. So she’d have to have done it really quickly. It’s not like she could wake up the next morning and do it.

So if you’re worried about a woman doing this, just watch her like a hawk post-sex for a half hour and make sure she doesn’t run to the bathroom with your used condom.

Also, worry about more realistic fears.

Like getting herpes from someone you met on Tinder.

“One of my best friend’s wives has been cheating on him with multiple women. I know this because my girlfriend has become friends with his wife and has informed me of the happenings. So I have two dilemmas here.

Dilemma 1: My GF basically told me I can’t say shit or she will kill me but I really want to tell my friend

Dilemma 2: My buddy knows about 1 girl because he found a toy and confronted her and the other girl about it. His wife told him it was a one time thing (obviously it’s not) and he’s trying to make it work

So wtf do I do!? Do I tell him and piss my gf of almost 5 years off or do I just let his wife continue to find young innocent women to scissor? Yes, I realize the best answer is for him to have tons of threesomes but apparently he has refused threesomes when his wife has brought it up.”

I told my wife if she ever wants to cheat on me with another woman the other woman just has to be really hot and she has to tell me about every detail.

I would be totally fine with this because I think it would eventually lead to a threesome.

So my first thought here is if your buddy’s wife is having regular sexual escapades with other women then either he’s gay — in which case he’s likely cheating on her with men — or he knows and doesn’t actually care. I find it incredibly hard to believe that your scenario is actually true — a guy is having his wife cheat on him with multiple women and has no idea it’s happening except for that one time he found about it. And also that he turns down threesome opportunities with his wife and other women.

My best guess here would be that both the guy and the girl are gay and have religious parents or families and are using the heterosexual marital structure to disguise their real lives.

Regardless, I’d keep my mouth shut if I were you.

And also keep tabs on your girlfriend. The only reason I can see why this married woman would be telling your girlfriend about all her sexual encounters with other women is because she wants to sleep with your girlfriend too and is trying to seduce her.

Your next ethical dilemma might also end up being — can I be in a threesome with my girlfriend and my buddy’s married wife?

Good luck with that one.

“Recently my girlfriend hit me with with some terrible news, which happens to be her views on the second amendment. I’m one big gun loving motherfucker, and she sees no use for people to have guns. I tested the waters and went out and bought a new shotgun the day after I found out her views and she was PISSED. How do I need to go about picking which I love more, my girlfriend, or that damn sexy second amendment right?”

I think it depends on how hot the girl is, honestly.

Also, to be fair, why do you need guns? (I’m assuming they aren’t, for instance, required for your job, but you just enjoy them as a hobby.) Do you hunt? Do you just enjoy shooting at the gun range? Are you constantly afraid someone is going to kill you so you carry a gun everywhere you go? Essentially, are guns integral to the way you live or just an incidental life hobby?

I think the answer to this matters too.

But the biggest issue I have with this is more foundational — if you’re dating someone who is requiring you to substantially change who you are to date him or her, what’s the next demand they are going to put forward? In other words, I don’t think this will stop with guns and I don’t even think it’s about guns. I think this is about her controlling you.

Now maybe I’m wrong here.

Why is she so opposed to guns? Would your opinion change if, for instance, she had a sibling or close relative who was shot by a gun he or she found as a kid and she’s anti-gun for this reason? And she’s already thinking about ensuring that the same issue doesn’t arise one day with her own kids? Again, I think her rationale matters here and you need to find it out too.

 

But if she ultimately is unwilling to date you if you own guns and there’s no sound basis to her position other than a generalized opposition to guns then you have to make a decision, who do you love more, your girlfriend or your guns?

“Is there a way for a married guy to brag to his friends about how good his sex life is when all the husbands and wives are friends? I’ve been married twelve years and other than the normal struggles when our kids were infants and toddlers, my wife is awesome in the sack, game for anything, initiates things often, rarely says she’s too tired or not in the mood. Now, we run in a fairly conservative crowd, most of our friends are from our church and the christian school our kids go to. But nothing the wife and I do violates any rules(no swinging, no porn, and such), so I’d like to be able to brag about how my sweet christian wife turns into a filthy sex goddess on regular basis, but obviously it would go from the husbands to the wives and then back to my wife who would likely be embarrassed. So what say you, King Solomon of boobs and the 1st amendment?”

No, married men are only allowed to discuss how much their sex lives suck.

If you actually have porn star sex all the time with your wife then you can’t brag about that in any kind of detail. Because that’s just going to make your buddies want to bang your wife too. (FYI, they probably want to bang your wife just like you want to bang their wives too, but no one discusses this unless you’re actual swingers.)

This is, of course, totally different than talking about sex before you get married, when every detail of any girl you date or hook up with is totally fair game and if you don’t share all these details you’re kind of an asshole.

By the way, I honestly have no idea what women do in these situations — do they talk in graphic detail about their sex lives with their husbands? — I can only answer the question for men here.

“Alright Clay we’ve got a debate here from a few guys on the football team at a D1 school. After practice yesterday we were showering as normal college football players do. When I got out of the shower I dried myself off and put my towel around my waist. Our QB then proceeded to come up from behind me and hump me. I could feel his balls hitting my ass.

Obviously I was triggered as fuck because this is incredibly gay. The next day before practice in the locker room the QB comes back up to me and starts grabbing at my balls claiming I’m the weird one for thinking this was weird and being triggered about it.

Because of how I was reacting he proceeded to get a bunch of guys to come up and start grabbing at my balls. Is this gay behavior or am I in the wrong for being triggered? They are claiming it’s just normal for guys to grab at each other’s dicks and it’s a part of growing up. As the gay transgender, transracial Muslim you are. We need your answer.”

Is this QB1 or QB2?

Because if it’s QB1 at a big school, he may actually be tired of all the sex he’s having and be trying to sleep with straight guys like you now. (This, by the way, is my theory about guys like Matthew McConaughey, I think he’s had so much easy sex with women that he probably, deep down, is tempted to try and just get straight guys to sleep with him. Not that he actually sleeps with them, but just that he needs the challenge because regular sex with women is too easy for him.)

Anyway, I think it’s certainly homoerotic behavior, but much male behavior in locker rooms is homoerotic. When you get a bunch of naked dudes walking around, it’s just awkward and people end up doing dumb shit.

The reason they are taunting you now is because you admitted it bothered you. If you had just laughed it off this would have ended. (By the way, someone reading this is going to say, MY GOD THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT HE SHOULD GO TO JAIL. I disagree. I think this is the locker room equivalent of a dude passing out early at a party and a picture getting taken of someone else’s balls on top of his head. The way to solve this issue is the next time that guy passes out early you get a picture of your balls on his head. This is known as a ball for a ball justice.)

So I think you probably have to hump your quarterback the next time he gets out of the locker, which probably ends the locker room shenanigans.

Or just miss a block in the next practice or game and when he’s there laying on the ground after getting flattened, you walk over to him and say, “That’s for humping my ass, asshole!” Then when you’re sitting on the sideline together you can say, “I was sorry to have to do that to you man, but Clay Travis told me to in the anonymous mailbag.”

“In your Friday column you mentioned, apropos of nothing, that you jerk off after your wife goes to sleep. Since moving in with my then-fiancee and now wife, I have begun to do the same, probably once a week. But it’s one of those things that you do and you don’t know that anyone else does the same thing. So, my question; what percent of married guys jerk off after their wife goes to sleep? I’d guess a poll would show 10% but the real number is like 50% (people being too embarrassed to admit it to another live human).”

I don’t believe there is a single married man in America who hasn’t jerked off after his wife goes to sleep at least once.

I mean every married man in America has already perfected the go to bed at the same time as your wife does move because it makes sex more likely. Before I started getting up at 4 am every morning, my wife would always go to bed before me and I’d always be in bed beside her just in case she wanted to sleep with me.

Now the real jerk off in the bed question is this, how many husbands do it in the bed beside their wives after they go to sleep — this feels creepy and strange — and how many of them say, “I just remembered I have to send a few more work emails,” or “I’m going to go watch the end of the game,” and then go jerk off to Pornhub?

I think that’s the majority.

And, by the way, there are so many college dudes and guys in their twenties reading this right now and thinking, “You married guys are so lame! You sleep beside a girl in the same bed and don’t hook up with her! You guys have no game at all! Fucking losers!”

Just wait.

I used to be the guy who would think, “Your wife said she has a headache tonight? Ha, that will never happen to me! Sex is so easy on campus, married guys are so lame!”

I was wrong.

One day you guys are going to be jerking off to porn on your iPhone with the sound turned down low so your kids don’t get woken up in the other room too.

I promise.

Live life while you can.

Seriously.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.