Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, and I’m here to rescue you from work, school, and life doldrums by trying to solve all the problems of the OutKick universe.

Today at 1 et, 12 ct, 11 mt, and 10 am pt, we will have Donald Trump as our first guest on the Clay Travis and Buck Sexton show. If you haven’t already done so, make sure you subscribe to the podcast and go give us a five star rating. If your review is funny and smart, we’ll eventually read it on air.

As always, you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. And, by the way, we need to restock those questions, so fire them my way.

With that in mind, here we go:

“My fiancée was abducted on Father’s Day by a man she knows but is not a friend from her home town and held over 24 hours and raped twice. The man is a convicted felon and very dangerous. She is scared to death if she presses charges he will come back and try to kill her or her sister to get even. I want to kill this man. She wants us to forget about it and pray that he will go away. What do I do?

I have no outlet to talk to anyone about this. I can’t talk to my family or my friends or coworkers because of the shame I feel for not being there to protect her and the shame I feel for this man violating her. I had to get this out so I am writing you. She has only given me certain details. She just complied with whatever he wanted so he wouldn’t kill her. I took her to the hospital and they did blood work and gave her medications to hopefully prevent her getting any diseases or a pregnancy. How do we pick up the pieces and move on?”

Every now and then, we get legitimately serious questions in the anonymous mailbag. This is one of them.

So let me be perfectly clear here: you have to talk to authorities about this. More specifically, you have to convince your fiancée to talk to authorities about this. Based on what you have written here, the man who did this to her needs to be immediately arrested and charged with rape.

The only way you can “pick up the pieces and move on” is by holding this man accountable for what he did. And, remember, as bad as you feel about this incident, your fiancée has to feel a billion times worse than you do.

If, as you say, this man’s a prior felon, it’s possible that they would effectively keep him from receiving bail as soon as your fiancée made these allegations. And if he did receive bail, it’s unlikely he’d be able to afford it, based on the severity of the allegations you laid out here. So the best way your fiancée can protect herself, honestly, is by going on the record with the authorities and making everyone aware of what this man did to her. Otherwise, your fiancée remains at risk from this man. Because if he’s already done this to her once before, why would he not do it again?

But it’s not just your fiancée at risk here. So is every other woman in the community. If he’s done this to her, he will do it to others as well. In fact, it’s unlikely she’s his first victim. He’s not going to stop this behavior until someone stops him from doing it again. Your fiancée needs to speak up to protect, not just herself, but the other women out there in the community too.

You say you took her to the hospital. Did they perform a rape kit examination on her? What did she tell the hospital about why she wanted to be treated there? This information is important, as it provides direct evidence of what happened to her and helps corroborates her story.

Again, I can’t overstate this, you need to go with her to the police station immediately. And you need to ensure this man is arrested and charged with the crime your fiancée says he committed. That’s the only advice I can give you, and it’s the only advice anyone should give you.

Please go to the police immediately. It’s the best support you can possibly provide for your fiancée, and it’s the only way to ensure this criminal’s actions stop.

Every now and then we get questions of great seriousness. I try and treat these questions with the seriousness they deserve because I don’t want to discourage anyone from writing and asking for real world advice on issues of genuine importance. But these questions are a small minority of the overall questions we get. And I don’t want to have an anonymous mailbag with only one question, no matter how serious it might be. So the remaining questions in the anonymous mailbag are nowhere near as serious as this one. That’s what we always have here, a mix of the serious and the not serious at all. But that can be jarring for new readers. Here we go with much less serious questions:

“So in 1990, my (former) husband and I were stationed at a small base overseas with the US military. I worked at the little American commissary barbershop and got to know many of the guys who came in for haircuts. There was one McDreamy in particular whom I had a bit of an unspoken crush on at the time (yeah, I know — but we were all 22 yr old kids, and I had a degree of hot girl barber privilege working for me back then.) He kind of flirted with me too, but nothing ever came of it.

Anyway, my hub’s tour was done and we transferred back to the US, something like 6 months after this McDreamy guy came on base.

Fast forward 30 years. I have been divorced from hubs 7 years. Out of the blue, I started thinking of young McDreamy from back in the day, and thru the miracle of Facebook, I was able to locate him.

McDreamy remembered me too. We live in different parts of the country, and he has also been divorced for a number of years. So we are both 52 now, and we have been chatting and FaceTiming from time to time for the last couple months. I think there could be serious interest on both our parts, and he has mentioned flying in to see me.

So here’s my conundrum: I like him, and he has aged quite well– with the glaring exception of he has really bad teeth, and clearly hasn’t cared for them very well over the years. (Not for lack of money, because he makes good bank.) And by that I mean the type of teeth that would not make me want to kiss his mouth, let alone get naked. A total show stopper.

Other than that, I like his personality, his face if he doesn’t smile, and am enjoying getting to know him now as grown adults.

So tell me, Clay… how does one tactfully let a guy know he should fix his teeth for the good of his social life and health, both of which could involve me? I swear I can smell the tarter buildup and nastiness through FaceTime.”

I don’t think you can make the request when you first start dating him. And I certainly don’t think you can make the request over FaceTime.

I mean, I guess you could, but how do you broach this topic, “I’m not going to come visit you until you get your teeth fixed”? Or “I’m not going to make out with you until you get your teeth fixed”?

There’s just no good way to bring up a major cosmetic issue before you’re actually dating someone. I mean, take it outside of teeth, what would your reaction be if this guy was talking with you and said, “Look, I really like you and you’ve aged pretty well, but you have to lose thirty pounds before I’m going to be willing to sleep with you.”

Most women would consider that guy to be the biggest jerk on the planet. I mean, he might be thinking it, but saying it out loud before you’d ever gone on a date would be a total asshole move by him. I think you demanding he fix his teeth before you ever meet him is the same kind of move on your part.

Now, chances are, if you started dating him, he’d probably be open to the idea of getting veneers — or getting whatever treatment his teeth might need to get back to normalcy — but I don’t think you can make it a pre-condition of the relationship.

It’s just way too demanding coming right out of the gate.

Having said all of this, if it’s truly a deal breaker for you to the extent you laid out in your email, you can always just embrace honesty and tell him exactly what you think. But be careful. What if McDreamy gets his teeth fixed and is suddenly out of your league? Or what if he decides that your honesty is too abrupt for him and he stops talking with you?

Then you’ve wiped out a relationship opportunity before it ever has a chance to blossom.

Keep in mind, most women want to fix men. Most men don’t want their woman to ever change. That is, if you told men that their wives would look exactly like they do today for the next several decades, most men would sign up for it. But most women look at the men they are marrying as a work in progress. They’re planning on changing him for the better, at least what they believe to be better.

But you don’t fix major issue in a man before you start dating him. Because if you try that you might scare him off before the relationship ever begins. So if you really like this guy, go for a visit and wait to broach the teeth topic down the line when you’ve actually started your relationship. And if you have to, just ensure it’s really dark the first time you make out and convince yourself he has perfect teeth.

Good luck.

“When I go to the bathroom (no matter the location – club, bar, restaurant, etc) if I have to use a stall I always end up cleaning the seat before I leave the stall. Before people comment – I am not a psycho who brings my own lysol and gloves. I put toilet paper on the seat and using my foot clear the seat. I can hit the target so it isn’t that I caused the scene of the crime. I want to make sure the seat of the toilet is clean when I walk out so the person behind me doesn’t think I am a neanderthal or asshole. I partly do this out of courtesy to the next bathroom patron, but also do it so the person that follows me doesn’t think I am a terrible person. What is the etiquette on this? Am I overthinking it? I’m being a little weird, no?”

This is pretty weird, and you’re definitely way overthinking it.

I’ve never entered the bathroom stall after someone else and thought, “Man, that person before me was really clean.”

And I’ve never had a friend come back from the toilet and say, “You know, the guy in front of me did a phenomenal job of cleaning in the bathroom stall right before me. I think I’m going to try and hire that guy to work at my company.”

It’s a public bathroom. My standards are low. If there’s no floating feces in the toilet bowl, no poop on the seat, there’s a roll of toilet paper, and the toilet has been flushed at all, I’m fairly happy.

In fact, and you didn’t ask this, but there are few things I dread more than the idea of having to do anything other than pee in a public bathroom. Especially, god forbid, if it’s not a very nice bathroom. Now if we’re talking about, like, the Ritz Carlton bathroom, or those incredible, high end public bathrooms with the full length doors that are like exclusive pooping chambers, my opinion changes, but most public bathrooms aren’t elite.

In fact, most public bathrooms are utter disasters.

In fact, if I had to rate the worst bathrooms to ever poop in, here are my top five worst:

1. crowded bar bathroom

There’s nothing worse than being in a packed bar and having to poop. You know the feeling, there’s a huge line of people, inevitably the bathroom is like 184 degrees, the stall door doesn’t really close, people are peeing everywhere while being loud and obnoxious, and then you’re sitting there trying to poop in the midst of all this madness.

One of my buddies was a bar pooper back in the day. I never understood it. You’re out standing at a crowded bar and next thing you’d know he had to poop. Like, how does this happen? You just drank three beers. And now you’re needing to poop?

I’d almost rather leave the bar and just go home for the night than have to poop in a super crowded bar bathroom.

2. Port o potty at a crowded event

Being in a port o potty and having to poop when it’s a hot day in the South takes years off your life. I’ve been in these tailgate port o potties at Southern tailgates a ton, and I have to tell you, it’s an unmitigated disaster. You feel like you’re going to die in those things, the door latch never works, you’re essentially pooping on the surface of the sun and there’s a literal pile of baking feces beneath you that makes you want to gag if you just think about it. God forbid you ever look down in there, it’s impossible to unsee that cataclysm.

You can’t really sit down because the entire port o potty is a complete biohazard.

And the smell, my god the smell of smoldering plastic and poop and alcohol and urine, it’s enough to make you never want to poop again.

3. Airplane bathroom

I don’t know who they design airport bathrooms for, but I always feel like a giant the moment I get in one of these things.

You literally can’t move in either direction, your legs are wobbly because the airplane is shifting underneath you, you’ve probably had to stand in line in the aisle which is like waving a huge sign letting everyone know that you’re desperate to poop, the floor is always, always wet, you always look insanely frazzled and harried and sweaty in the mirror there because you are. There’s always a line of people outside, and if you forget to slide that lock in place, someone will open the door and find you just sitting there on the toilet like a giant trying — and failing — to play hide and seek.

It’s just awful.

Not to mention you’re basically signing up for Ebola when you use those things because there’s always someone sick, it feels like, throwing up in there.

4. Public gas station

This is a necessary hazard of many a road trip, and my standards of expectation are incredibly low in this situation. Yet somehow that low standard of expectation isn’t even met.

It’s to the point where if there isn’t a dead body in a public bathroom, I essentially consider it a successful trip.

The worst of the public gas stations, by the way, are the ones you have to get a key for. You might as well just go poop in a field behind the gas station as go into any bathroom you need a key to enter.

Those are next-level biohazards.

5. Stadium or arena bathroom

You’ve probably been there at some point in your life, a massive line snakes around the concourse and you have to stand in line to poop. (And if you haven’t done it yourself, you may have done it with a kid.)

You have to awkwardly stand off to the side in a new line for the stall. And the stall line never moves fast.

God forbid it’s actually cold outside and you have to take eight layers of clothes off you or — even worse — your kid.

No one has flushed since three weeks beforehand. You’re trying to keep tabs on the game, but you have no idea what’s happening, usually, in the bunkered concrete cinderblocked walls of the stadium bathroom.

Plus, there’s massive pressure not to take forever because the line is bad enough as it is.

The only saving grace here is if you find one of those family bathrooms. These things are like oases in the stadium desert.

But good luck with that.

Okay, there you have it, my definitive list of the worst places to poop.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

And I hope you guys have fantastic Tuesdays.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

12 Comments

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  1. Hysterical Top 5 list. At the Super Bowl in Tampa (Cards/Steelers) I walked into a Porta Potty where shit was mounded at least a foot above seat level. I immediately forgot all my potty training and didn’t go to the bathroom for 3 months.

  2. Dropping a deuce isn’t nearly the issue for me as for others. I’ve literally pulled off the interstate and crapped in the woods (more than once actually) when I gotta go I gotta go. Sh!tting in a run down down dive bare John isn’t exactly ideal but you clean the seat off best you can and deal with it. After all it’s called sh!t house, it’s not a rose garden.

  3. Have to add to the list: any office (whether your own or a client, etc) where you have to poop and the only bathroom option is a single with locking door located in WAY too public of a location or directly by or across from someone you work with/for. They know what you’re doing in there after a minute or so goes by. You know they know. They know you know they know. But you still have to walk out that door like nothing happened and then obviously avoid that person for the rest of the day or maybe forever.

  4. Lmao at these comments.. ^all 5 have to do with shitting

    Have to agree w/ no. 1 on the list – dive bar. Too crowded, cramped, and chaotic to take a semi-peaceful shit. Ted is correct, you go to Micky D’s and handle business.

    Disagree about port-o-johns. I work in construction and shitting in a port-o-potty is 2nd nature to me, rather Zen-like tbh. Just be sure to make a nice landing pad (if somewhat freshly cleaned) or you might get blue balls on the splash-back. Shitting on top of shit? Not a problem.

    Worst public shitters: Allsup’s in New Mexico. They don’t give a shit. (pun intended)

  5. To the first poster:

    I think Clay is absolutely right. Some truly awful things continue for long periods of time because of the fear of speaking up. Harvey Weinstein is one example.

    If nobody reports this guy, what is to say that he doesn’t come after your fiancee again? He is clearly a menace and no amount of hoping is going to change his behavior. I cannot imagine how awful this situation is for your fiancee or you, but keep in mind that speaking up can prevent others from suffering the same pain.

  6. To the first, serious question: My family has dealt with two serious stalkers. They don’t just go away. Ever. And a restraining order is just a piece of paper. But publicity? That they DON’T like. Get the restraining order, then have your attorney let rapist’s attorney know that anything remotely like a threat or stalking occurs, you’re going to the local press – newspaper, TV station, hell, Nextdoor.com.

    To the bathroom cleaning guy: Back in ’83 or so, there was a cowpunk band in San Diego called The Beat Farmers. They held house every weekend at this little dive by San Diego State called Bodie’s. There was one bathroom, with one toilet. No urinal. And for whatever reason, there got to be a – I hesitate to call it a tradition – but a habit of everyone put their empty longneck beer bottles upright into the bowl of the toilet. It was hard as hell to pee without splashing urine all over your pants because of the bottles in there. There was always a line during breaks between sets, because there was only 1 toilet. One night I wait my turn, and get in there, and some poor bastard has to take a dump on top of that mountain of beer bottles protruding above the rim of the seat (which would have been covered in piss splash anyway). I’ve always wondered how he pulled that off – stood on the seat and squatted? Anyway, the only person I felt more sorry for was whomever had to clean that nastiness up.

  7. I think the last question asker meant he cleans the piss off the seat if he has to pee in a stall (i.e. the urinals are full). I think that is normal to do, as leaving a piss covered seat is rude to the next guy who is having a public bathroom poop emergency.

    However, a simpler option is to just use your foot to raise the lid before you piss.

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