Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the greatest weekly article on the Internet — the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, you can email your anonymous mailbag question to clay.travis@gmail.com and I will guarantee to keep your question anonymous and immediately delete your email after I use it. 

Here we go:

“Clay I have a true horror story to tell and I don’t know where to go from here. It was recently my girlfriend’s birthday and she is a known chocolate lover, so being the awesome boyfriend I am I got ahold of my mom and had her text me the family chocolate cake recipe.

So here I am baking this cake and hear my phone go off and see my mom has sent me a text. Thinking it’s a cake based tip of some sort I open the text only to be horrified to find a picture of my mother laying on her bed in just her panties with a caption saying “so you’ll think of me the rest of the day.”

This was immediately followed up with an apology saying it was meant for my dad and how embarassed she was. All I could manage to say was I’m deleting this and pretending it didn’t happen.

My question is this….what now? I’m very close to my parents but have not spoken to my mom since (roughly a month). How do we break the ice? How do I avoid the weirdness? They don’t live close by and I won’t see them until Christmas. I need some help on this one.”

First, this kind of error has to be incredibly common, especially as more people take sexy photos and text them to partners. 

In fact, I would venture to say that on any given day there are thousands of people who get sexy text messages that aren’t the intended recipients of those sexy text messages. That’s why I think there should be function that allows you to immediately recall a sent text message. It doesn’t have to be a naked text, it could just be a text that is sent to the wrong person, a text that you’re trying to send to a friend that goes to a boss or co-worker, we should be able to recall these as soon as we realize that we sent it to the wrong person.

I would venture to say that every single person reading this right now has sent a text to the wrong person at some point in his or her life.

Having said that, most of the time it isn’t your mom naked on the bed waiting for your dad.

But I do think if you haven’t talked to your mom in roughly a month that you’re overreacting here. She probably feels much worse than you do and she’s probably mortified. And, in the grand scheme of things, is this really any different than walking in on your parents while they were having sex? In fact, arguably, this is much better than that.

The positive here is that your parents still like each other and probably aren’t going to get divorced. The negative is, you just saw your mom in full on dad seduction mode. At least now you know how you got created. 

I’d text your mom something about Christmas this week to make fun of the situation, acknowledge it, and then put it to rest. Something like, “Two questions for Christmas: 1. do you need me to bring anything? and 2. will you promise to keep your top on at dinner this year?” 

That should break the ice. 

A month is too long, in my opinion, to ever go without talking to your mom or dad.

Plus, even if your mom did just send you a naked photo be glad it wasn’t that explicit. It could always be worse. I mean, what if your mom had sent you a picture of her taking down a Steve McNair sized dildo?

Or, God forbid, video. 

See, your picture wasn’t so bad after all. 

“In 2006, some friends and I made the trip to Auburn to watch the Tigers paste Wazzu 40 to 14. It was the trip of a lifetime. This was in the beginning of the mid-2000’s “Cougar” craze. We made ironic Wazzu t-shirts that said “Cougar Bait” on them.

Three of us had wandered off in the midst of an Auburn tailgate. We came across a big trailer, in a row of big trailers, where we were catcalled by an easy 9 who had to be north of 45. She introduced us to a couple of her friends and her daughter, that was a 10. We had some shots. Shot the breeze at their party and had a great time. These were obviously high roller boosters. Never could tell who belonged to who, nor make out the husband of the hot mom.

We made our way into the trailer to grab some food with the mom, daughter, and a couple other ladies who were refilling trays, etc. In my drunken state, I took a shot with the smoking hot 10 daughter. Ashamed to say, was quickly shot down and learned that her boyfriend was in the starting lineup for Auburn that day.

Buddy #1, on the other hand, was asked by the hot mom if he really was “Cougar Bait” ? At the same time he said yes, she already had him on the way to the bedroom in the back of the trailer where she Mrs. Robinson’d him.

30 minutes later they came out and he had become a man. She announced that “(Husband name) better not find out about this,” and carried on with the tailgate.

Is this a thing at SEC tailgates. Are wealthy booster’s wives banging frat boys?

I feel like this might be the next wave of Anonymous Mailbag stories of the SEC, a la recruiting trip stories and Joey Freshwater encounters.”

There are so many rich Auburn boosters reading the mailbag right now thinking, “Wait a minute, did my wife bang a frat guy at the Washington State tailgate?”

My thought here is that this couple was acknowledged swingers or had an open relationship. 

I just can’t imagine someone banging a frat guy at a tailgate and expecting it to stay quiet. 

On the other hand, if you have unbelievable sex stories from college tailgates then by all means share them with the anonymous mailbag. 

All we ask is that they’re true.

And starring hot women.  

“This past weekend, some friends and I decided to watch the college games at a local watering hole. After a very disappointing game, most of my friends had to leave, while I decided to go to dinner with my college friend and his girlfriend. A little backstory, this friend had graduated in May and had trouble finding a job, so he decided to move into his girlfriend’s PARENTS’ house while looking for a job. That is pretty fucking pussy move, but whatever.

After dinner with said friend and his girlfriend, we go back to my apartment to drink more before going out. At this point I would say I was a good walking around drunk, while they were balls to the wall drunk and arguing. I walk outside my apartment’s back door to discuss the game on the phone and hear the door lock behind me. I figured they were joking, and walk around to my front door, only to see they had disappeared into my bedroom.

I walk into my bedroom and see that my friend is as naked as the day he was born, and she, while clothed on the top half, has her clam wide open for me to see. My immediate reaction was to kick them out, but clearly there need to be repercussions for treating my bedroom like it’s fucking Woodstock. Any advice for revenge?”

I think this chick has to set you up with her sluttiest friend.

Given the fact that she’s banging her boyfriend in a friend’s apartment’s bedroom, she definitely has some slutty friends.

God bless her.  

“My dad is a Vietnam vet, born and raised in the South. He voted for the very first time this election. I asked him why this time? He said he didn’t like seeing protesters in the street every week on the news, and he couldn’t allow “that woman” to be president. He said he didn’t vote for Barack Obama the last two elections, but he didn’t vote against him either. Does that make my dad a racist, a misogynist, both, or neither?”

I don’t think your dad is racist because he definitely would have shown up to vote against Obama if that were true.

But he may be a sexist.

Or he might just hate Hillary Clinton.

I honestly think it’s impossible to use Hillary Clinton to judge sexism in the country because so many people dislike her. Hell, more white women voted for Donald Trump than Hillary Clinton. Presumably these white women aren’t sexist against themselves.

And for all the talk about shattering the glass ceiling Hillary only got one more percentage point of support among women than Barack Obama did. And she was running against a guy she tried to tar and feather as a tremendous racist misogynist.

It’s fair to ask this question, if Hillary Clinton couldn’t win white women running against Donald Trump, when are Democrats ever going to win white women?

So I think your dad just hated Hillary.

And, in that, he had an awful lot of support in this country.  

“I am a newlywed, been married for about 2 months now. Out of the blue today I get an email from Anonymous saying that my Adult Friend Finder account has been hacked and I need to send a certain amount of bitcoin to a certain email address or they would release my information to my significant other. But here’s the thing- I swear on everything I love (I mean, this mailbag’s anonymous, so why would I lie?)- but seriously, I had never heard of Adult Friend Finder until I received the email (after googling it, apparently it’s some swinger site). According to reports online, some 412 million accounts were hacked.

What’s my play here? I mean, I feel like I certainly shouldn’t pay. I don’t even know how I would go about paying extortion money in bitcoin. But do I tell my wife? She’s pretty cool and we have a great relationship. I don’t think she’s the type to freak about something like this but I’m still thinking maybe I should stay quiet. I legitimately have never been to or heard of this site. Part of me thinks that some dorky hacker saw that this website had been compromised and then just started firing off emails, so nothing will ever come of it. Why stir up this hornet’s nest for no reason? On the other hand, should I get out in front of this thing? Honestly, this situation is so absurd that I don’t have a clue how to approach it.

PS- According to the email, I have 72 hours to pay before they notify my wife. Also- I created a brand new email address on a laptop I haven’t used in 7 years to send this. After this I don’t see how I can ever use email like a normal person ever again.”

If it wasn’t you, just tell your wife about the email you got and tell her it wasn’t you. 

Then if they follow through and notify her, what’s the harm?

I am, however, going to call bullshit on the never having heard of AdultFriendFinder website before. The hacking was a massive story last year. Plus, if you really haven’t done anything wrong, why the need to go through so much trouble to email the anonymous mailbag about it.  

After all, if you haven’t done anything wrong, why worry about the extortion attempt in the first place?

Plus, you’ve only been married for two months. Even if you did create the AFF account, why couldn’t you tell your wife that you created it before you started dating when you were a single guy? You don’t have to have done anything wrong at all to have created an AFF account.  

I wouldn’t even respond to the email, but whatever you do, god forbid, don’t pay them. That’s even if you did create the account. You can’t ever pay with extorters. That’s the civilian equivalent of negotiating with terrorists. Once they realize you’re willing to pay them, why would they ever stop demanding cash for silence?  

“I was a Lieutenant in the Air Force and I was home on Christmas leave from training. My brother attended an SEC school who was playing in the Sugar Bowl. I decided to go with my brother, his girlfriend (now wife) and meet another of our friends who went to college in New Orleans and had a place to crash.

Our mutual friend in New Orleans had been our high school mascot. My brother and I were both football players. Our New Orleans friend came out of the closet while going to school in New Orleans. When we rolled into his apartment, he had a book on his coffee table about how to be gay. I was fascinated by this. The book claimed that James Buchanan was the first gay President. It was filled with nuggets like that. Keep in mind, this was the nineties, so the gay culture isn’t what it is today and most folks had a hard time coming out of the closet.

Our friend took us to the gay part of Bourbon Street for New Years Eve. There weren’t a lot of lights on that side of Bourbon Street. There were a lot of dudes dancing on bars in their underwear. I was instantly popular with his gay friends. They bought me a ton of drinks. (Thank goodness I didn’t get roofied.)

There was one older, gay, heavyset gentleman who was lingering outside the group circle. He inched his way closer to me and started engaging me in conversation. His name was Charles. He pulled out a newspaper article showing me where he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge into the Mississippi River. About this time, I really needed to take a leak. I didn’t want to go into a gay bar, so I saw an alley where I could pee.

I walked over and started peeing, and suddenly, this obese gay man, Charles, comes from out of nowhere and catches my urine in his mouth. He is gobbling it up. I can’t stop in mid-flow, and I may have even coated his face a little for fun. (This is my last sexual act with a person who is not my wife.)

I zipped up and walked back to the gay circle like nothing happened. I continue to party on both the gay and straight side throughout the night. It got late, and I couldn’t find anyone. (This is pre-cell phone.) Plus, I didn’t know where my friend’s apartment was.

I was wondering down Bourbon Street, and all of the sudden Charles pulls up in a car and asks if I needed a ride. Inexplicably, I said yes and that I didn’t know where my friend’s apartment was. He said he did, so I got in the car. As we were driving to my friend’s apartment, Charles would stop the car about every two minutes or so and tell me that he wouldn’t move the car unless I spat on him. I had already peed in his mouth, so I didn’t think this was any worse. I hocked probably a dozen or so luges to the point where Charles face was covered in my alcohol spit.

Charles was an honest pervert, so he did take me to my friend’s house. I am thankful to this day that Charles did not take me as his permanent gay sex prisoner. I walked in, saw my friend with another dude in his bed doing the deed and went and crashed on the floor. (Seeing gay sex ranked as one of the least surprising things I saw that night.)

Is this a story I should keep to myself, or does the world deserve to know. I am a senior military officer deployed to the Middle East right now. I’ve told it to my close friends, but that’s it. I told it to a Chaplain (who’s a good friend) once, and he started sprinkling water on me at breakfast to cast the demons out of me. I don’t know if I’ve told the complete story to my wife. She was ticked that I didn’t stay with her for New Year’s Eve, even though she had to work and my brother had a Sugar Bowl ticket for me. So, she still resents me for going on this trip long after the fact.”

Does it make me a bad person that nothing in this email surprises me at all. 

This is exactly what I would think the gay part of Bourbon Street in the early 1990’s on New Year’s Eve would be like.

I totally believe that a gay dude who likes to be peed on would be carrying around a newspaper article about his attempted suicide. That’s just too bizarre to make up.  

What a story. 

And, by the way, thank you for your service. (To the country and the anonymous mailbag.)

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Email your anonymous mailbag questions or confessions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.