Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to rescue all of you from the doldrums of work. As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Here we go:

“As my go-to relationship AND sports writer, I need your wisdom. My boyfriend and I are both Tennessee grads living in Knoxville. We’ve been dating about 9 months, which means this is our first football season together. I am really excited about getting to do all the game day fun with him and all our friends (both his and mine), as we both love Tennessee football. So here’s the issue: my group of friends from college always plan one big tailgate every season where everybody comes in town from all over the country. We do it up big. Invite a ton of people, have a ton of food and more alcohol, and all bring back a little of our ridiculous, fiendish college selves for one Saturday. In June, we decided to schedule our mega-reunion tailgate for Oct.10, when the Vols play Georgia.

I immediately told my boyfriend to put it on his calendar, as this was the one game that we absolutely HAD to go to. I even told him to invite his friends to tailgate with us to maximize the partying. So as you can see, this is a big deal and has been in the works for a while.

Well, wouldn’t you know, I’m now facing the age-old “home-football-game-or-wedding dilemma.” Except with a twist that makes it even worse: the wedding was five years ago. This is a vow renewal. And it’s HIS friends. The “groom” is my boyfriend’s best friend and he was best man in their wedding.

I’m not entirely sure why a couple needs to renew their vows after 5 years, but whatever. From what I can tell, the couple sent out invites over Facebook a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, my boyfriend now thinks he has to go to his friends’ vow renewal and miss the UT-Georgia game/most-fun-tailgate-ever that I’ve been planning for 2 months.

So my first question is: Am I right for thinking that he should ditch the vow renewal to spend some quality time with my friends and have an undoubtedly amazing game day Saturday? Second question: Should I break up with him because this is clearly never going to work if this is even a choice for him Third question: What is the appropriate and most-effective means to express my dissatisfaction if he ultimately chooses to go to the vow renewal? Withholding sex? But let’s be honest, I probably couldn’t hold out. What’s my best move here?”

I would honestly consider breaking up with him over his decision to attend a vow renewal over a college football game featuring all my friends. You’re totally in the right for being pissed at him over this decision. Sure, it’s potentially an awesome game, but this is also your chance to introduce him to all your friends in a fun, easygoing environment. 

Plus, if your friends ask where he is, can you even answer honestly, “He was going to come, but he had to go to the five year vow renewal of one of his friends.”

If I heard that from a girlfriend of mine, my first response would be, “Yeah, you have to break to up with that dude.” I’m not even kidding.  

Moreover, not only is that decision an indictment of him, but it’s also an indictment of his friends. Who the fuck thinks anyone wants to attend their five year vow renewal? Fall weddings in the South are an abomination, but that’s not even the issue here we’re talking about a vow renewal in the middle of football season? Are you fucking kidding me?

And after just five years? It’s not like his grandparents after fifty years. Do you know how awful your marriage has to be if you feel compelled to renew your vows after five years? How many Ashley Madison accounts did the husband have? This just screams trying too hard. 

So I’d break up with him. That way you don’t have to withhold the sex and can hook up with some random dude at your tailgate. 

Now we have an interlude to discuss scientific evidence that Bama fans are dumber than everyone else ranked in the top 25:

“I’m sure a million people have/will send you the link below, but I felt I should as well. It is really pleasant when a (semi) representative sample study is done that proves yet again, yes, Bammers are dumber than fans of other teams. And not just dumber – 12.3% dumber than the next closest fan base in the AP Poll.

I will note that my Vols came in at a gentleman’s #9.”

I’d like to say I’m surprised, but I’m not surprised. 

“The other night at dinner with my roommate (girl) and one of my guy friends we got into an interesting debate. We were talking about our friend Molly (fake name) who has decided to go on vacation with a guy she met on Tinder. He is an executive at a large corporation and next month they have a retreat in Vegas. He is flying her out there, she is staying with him in the penthouse and he is taking care of all expenses for the trip. They are even going shopping to get her clothes.

During the conversation, my roommate asked my guy friend, “Would a guy expect you to have sex with him for doing that?” To which guy responds, “Are you kidding? 100%. He’s taking her to Vegas.”

My roommate then proceeded to call Molly a modern day prostitute and go on this awful rant that made me want to die a little. The three of us then debated if this was “prostitution.” What do you think? Is sleeping with someone who takes you on vacation prostitution? While the sex isn’t a requirement, how much of a bitch would you look like if you held out on a guy that wined and dined you across the country?”

Sex is expected on this trip, but it isn’t prostitution because they haven’t actually hammered out a direct bargained for transaction. That is, he didn’t say, “Look, I’ll fly you to Vegas and pay for everything, but you have to screw me once we get there.”

If that happened, then it’s prostitution. 

In theory, the sex still might not happen and she could just be repaying him with her companionship. Now, do I think there’s an implicit agreement on both sides that barring truly horrendous behavior on his part sex is likely to happen? Yes. Do I think it’s also a bit weird that they wouldn’t have hooked up before the Vegas trip? Yes. In fact, it makes me think that Tinder dude is probably married. Because how many single guys wait on vacation sex when they can have sex in their hometown as well? 

Remember, in my opinion prostitution should be 100% legal. But in order for prostitution to exist, there has to be a direct bargained for exchange, something given in exchange for sex. Here it’s just implied. If you expand the scope of prostitution to implied sex, how many relationships would exist if sex didn’t exist in the relationship? In other words, how many of you without children would break up with your significant others right now if there was no sex in your relationship? Essentially, how many of you like your partners so much that you would be with them without any prospect of sex? I’d love the see the numbers on this for men and women of reproductive age.

Also, one more distinction, when a wife says to her husband, “I will sleep with you tonight if you get the kids to bed, because otherwise I’m going to kill them.” Even though there is bargained for exchange here, that is not prostitution either. That’s just good parenting.  

“I thought I met a nice guy in an unexpected place…. Marshall’s.

This his smoke show of a guy delivers a fantastic pick-up line on me while I am checking out. We exchange numbers and meet for drinks a few times. He’s successful, wildly good looking and no serious baggage that I can tell. We eventually have an adult sleep over because… well ladies have needs too, Clay (sorry if you don’t understand with the gay thing).

He invites me to go on a river float trip with a group of his friends that I’ve never met. I’m hesitant seeing as it’s all very new. I agree to go, but only because my girlfriends agree that if there is an SOS text, they will haul ass STAT.

When we get on the river, things go awry. About one hour into the eight hour float, I notice he is flirting with another girl. I brush it off knowing him and I are there together. I’m not one to get jealous. BUT another hour goes by and they are inseparable. Like tubes actually tied together. There are six more hours left… I can’t very well get off the river and walk. I am ditched, four hours from home, in a group of 15 people I just met.

Like the lady I am, I bite my tongue and don’t say a word. But I do send the SOS. My friends pick me up and I get the hell out of dodge before he realizes it. All I left behind was a sad phone charger. He has since apologized twice “that I am mad” but “isn’t sure what he did exactly.” Bless his little heart….

Seriously. On a scale of 1-to-Kanye West, how big of a douche bag is this guy? Now that I have cooled off, should I explain to him what he did since he “doesn’t understand”? Do you think his friends talked about it? Lastly, aside from suggesting he use it as a suppository, should I ask him to mail me my phone charger?” 

You should have known this relationship was doomed the moment you met a guy at Marshall’s.

Any meeting story that begins: “I was in the middle of getting the best deal on clothes that no one else would buy at a more respectable store when…”

Having a guy you’re on a date with pick up another girl on the date — the kind of date you can’t leave — has to be the worst dating experience possible. Short of being told you’re going out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner and instead your boyfriend takes you to a surprise gang bang. I mean, you’re on an eight hour tubing trip. You literally have no means of escape until you reach the tubing destination.

I’m sorry.  

Give up the phone charger — can’t you buy one for like $15? — and keep your self respect intact. If he really has no idea what he did wrong, then your knight in shining armor is really just a dude in Marshall’s reduced price polos. 

“Unicorns, as you refer to them, are women with a sex drive as large as a man’s. I found one of these this summer.

I’m a fifth year senior at an SEC school (I co-oped and I’m in engineering so it’s a legit fifth year) and while I was interning this summer, I met a girl by chance who happened to go to the same school. A year younger, funny, and pretty, so she and I started dating. Once we began having sex… My lord. She actually was hornier than me. Like we’d leave work, hang out at my place, and before I could go to bed, we had to have sex. Not exactly the worst problem in the world. She had a great body, large breasts, was into fun stuff, definitely the best sex I’ve ever had. Just one example: she once greeted me at the door in heels, lingerie, holding a beer. It was awesome. To add on to all this, she is smart, comes from a LOADED family, and I really enjoyed spending time with her.

So where does this go wrong you ask? It didn’t take too long to see the differences. She was from the north, and I’m from Georgia. We disagreed on so many fundamental issues (I’m conservative, she’s liberal). She doesn’t like the south, and the south is my home. She’s more introverted while I’m an extrovert. I just couldn’t see us getting married one day. I have certain things I look for in girls I date, and two of these tests are: 1. Can I see this woman raising my children one day? 2. Can I see this woman being an awesome tailgating/football wife? Unfortunately, she passed neither of these tests, and I cut it off. Have I made a mistake? I mean having sex twice a day every day was great, but ultimately the sex is just one part of the equation right?

Please help me feel better about my decision.”

Yes, sex is just one part of the equation. And if you’re capable of making that decision at 22, you’re a unicorn yourself. More power to you. 

I think it’s 1960’s era noble to break up with a guy or girl when you realize you aren’t going to marry him or her, but you’re 22 or 23, what’s your rush to get married? Do you think she’s thinking about marrying you or just having a good time during the summer? Given your age, I’d be focused on having fun as opposed to finding a spouse.

On a broader scale, for all the college aged readers, you won’t listen to me, but I really don’t think that anyone should have a serious relationship in college. You have plenty of time for that after college, why complicate your life more than you need to at one of the least complicated times of your life? 

If the girl is fun to hang out with — and it sounds like she is — keep hanging out with her. If she isn’t, find someone more fun to hang out with.

Send your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.