Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can email me your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, full anonymity guaranteed. (I also immediately delete your emails). 

Here we go. 

“I’m a mid 30’s single guy living in Atlanta. Several weeks back (it’s taken that log to gather facts and evidence of that night) I had what was intended to be a easy going night out with friends. As we were getting ready to call it a night, several girls walked in and we all started talking. One shot lead to another…and another…and another (you get the picture), and needless to say, the easy going night out was no longer easy going.

The next morning I realize I’m in the bed, (a) not at my house, (b) with no clothes on, (c) with a girl that has no clothes on and (d) no real recollection of what was done in the bed prior to passing out, but I imagine it wasn’t bad since neither of us had any articles of clothing on. Nothing real earth-shattering so far and the girl was not one of the original girls from the bar that turned the night around.  

Here’s where it possibly gets mailbag worthy (based on previous readings it’s a high standard). As I mess around trying to find my clothes and get dressed, I noticed the girl is a strong 8 with VERY nice features and that I have no clue what her name is (much less where I’m at). I finally get dressed and have the the thought I wouldn’t mind seeing this girl again. So as I’m walking out of the bedroom, I ask her if I can get her number and call her sometime. She immediately answers “No.” Not even a thought and no stuttering went into the response. This leads me to believe this isn’t her first rodeo. So as I’m walking out, still not knowing her name and with no phone number, I see some of her mail sitting on a table by the door. So I decided to snap a picture of the mail and see what I could find out later when I got back to my house. I let a couple of of buddies know what happened (guys that were not out with us that night) and they got to work on trying to find this girl on social media. After several days of searching, I’m convinced we’ve found her. This is where I need the advice of a gay Muslim. First, what’s the proper protocol for potentially contacting this girl again? I have no phone number but do have name and address. Is making my way back to her house even an option? I would like to see if she would hang out again, but should I just drop it based on her response as I left the next morning. Second, is snapping a picture of the mail even remotely considered a good idea in order to figure out who the strong 8 with VERY nice features I hooked up with is? What would have been some other options to figure this out?”

Your first mistake here was not having sex the next morning. Or at least attempting it. I mean, you were both already naked, right? You might as well try again the next morning. Maybe that way you would learn her name. (Although it also raises an interesting question, if you don’t know her name, what do you do if she gives you her number? Do you save her contact information as? “strong 8 with VERY nice features.” If you sort your contacts by last name you’re never remembering to search f to find her. Good luck remembering s for strong if you go by first name too.)

I’ve also never heard of a girl on a one night stand refusing to give her number to the guy — what did you do, you pervert? — after she takes him back to her place and sleeps naked all night beside him. That’s an incredible refusal by her. “I’ll bring you back to my place and sleep with you, but if you think I’m giving you my phone number, you’re crazy.” 

Now to the big question, you 1 billion percent cannot show up at her apartment. I mean, just erase that idea from your mind and never consider it again. It actually pains me to think about her reaction when someone knocks on the door, she looks outside, and it’s the random guy she hooked up with and hoped to never see again back at her apartment.

You could potentially contact her on Facebook because she had to tell you her name at some point, right? Even though you didn’t remember it, you could theoretically have remembered it. Unless she gave you a fake name. But if she gave you a fake name and then took you back to her apartment to bang, you’re clearly sleeping with Carrie from “Homeland.”

Regardless you can never, ever admit that you took a photo of her mail to get her name until you’ve been dating for months and are potentially contemplating marriage. Eventually that could become a cute story, but right now this is really creepy behavior. (Sidenote: the line between creepy and romantic is tenuous at best. Listen to every marriage speech about a guy pursuing a girl to initially date him. “He refused to take no for an answer!” Every girl sighs as one. “He showed up at my house at strange hours and begged me to forgive him.” Girls coo. “He even left notes on my car at work.” Bridesmaid punches her husband for not being romantic any longer. Seriously, start paying attention and tell me this isn’t true).

Honestly, this girl giving you a flat no when you asked her for her number makes me like her quite a bit. But it also probably means she has some issues. Fortunately, you have no issues yourself. You’re the kind of guy who blacks out, wakes up in a strange girl’s bed naked, has to reconstruct your night using Uber receipts and secretly snaps photos of her mail.  

So you’re a great catch for any girl. 

I’m kidding. Good luck.

“I’m the parent of a 16 year boy. He’s going to be a junior in high school this year, is a decent athlete and is getting some looks from D2 schools in his sport. He attends a private high school in SEC country that requires all students to undergo random drug and alcohol testing throughout the school year. (This is not a debate as to the policy of the school – it is made known at registration that the program exists – and there’s no opt-out.)

I’m trying to be realistic here. I know what I did it high school – I was an athlete and we were heavy drinkers of alcohol. And I know what we did in college. So, here’s the question, after he graduates from high school, do we introduce him to alcohol over that summer before going away to school? I was well-versed in drinking alcohol and its effects when I got to college, so I knew I could handle myself. I really don’t want him going off to school, getting hammered, passing out and having penises drawn all over his face with a sharpie. (Granted, that may, and probably will, still happen but I don’t want that for his first time drinking.) I know he’ll make some regretful decisions using alcohol – we all do, it’s college – but I’m just trying to limit his exposure.” 

First, are you sure he isn’t drinking out of season or the kids aren’t smart enough to circumvent the drug testing policy by having the same, non-drinking kid pee for all of them? 

As for your second concern, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to sit down and walk your son (or especially your daughter) through alcohol. Lots of kids haven’t been exposed to substantial amounts of alcohol before and might be clueless. I actually think there’s a market for an alcohol seminar where you sit a kid down and let him try all the beers and liquor that he’ll see on a college campus before he or she gets to college. I’d personally be the most nervous about liquor consumption because I think it’s less common than beer drinking in high school and also because if you stick to beer it’s really hard not to throw up if you drink too much from a sheer volume perspective.   

So I don’t think I would let him drink to excess with me, but I’d definitely let him have beer and liquor with you and let you instruct him on the dangers of passing out.

Your talk needs to end with this lesson: “Whatever you do, don’t drink so much that you’re the first to pass out. Ever.”

“LOVE your anonymous mailbag. It’s hard for me to believe most of the stories but I don’t care because I’m lol’ing every week.

I’m a 34 year old SEC grad getting a divorce. We’re almost done so I thought it’s time for a hook up. I’ve got 2 kids who live with me, ages five and two. I’ve also got this 24 year old guy who’s been texting me. He wants to come over and do the dirty. My question is, can I do that with my kids in the house? Should I just put up the dog gate? Is that wrong of me? My ex works out of state so I’ve got the kids 24/7. I feel guilty even considering it. But honestly it’s been over a year of no sex and that’s just wrong.

Keep up the good work you flaming gay Muslim.”

Can’t the five year old climb over the dog gate regardless of what you do? Sure, that keeps the two year old out of the picture, but he probably won’t remember seeing mom riding reverse cowgirl on a random stranger anyway. The five year old would. Potentially for the rest of his life.  

So I think what you have to do is deploy the dog gates, but also lock your door and then move something in front of your door to create a kid obstacle that eliminates surprise. That won’t necessarily stop your kids from getting in — even if we lock our bedroom door somehow our kids can shake it and it magically opens — but at least it gives you enough time to disengage. 

You could also, and this is what I’d suggest because it solves all your problems, have your 24 year old book a hotel room and just hire a babysitter for three hours. 

That way you don’t feel guilty at all.  

“Last year a good friend of mine got engaged shortly after I got married. We were talking a few weeks after they got engaged and I asked if they had set a date yet. He told me that they would be getting married on October 17, 2015. My first thought was, “That better be an open weekend for the Hogs or I’m gonna be pissed.” Turns out that weekend they go to Alabama so plenty of alcohol will be needed to drown the sorrows or for celebration of BERT getting a huge road SEC win.

Any who, I made a remark that I’ll need to write that date down to which he responded “you better because you’ll be in it.” That is all he said. End of talking about the wedding. Fast forward to now, and he has yet to say anything about me being in his wedding. However, about 2 months ago he asked a mutual friend of ours to be an usher in the wedding. After accepting to be an usher in his wedding, he asked if I would be involved in the wedding. The groom to be said “oh yea, hes a groomsman in the wedding. I talked to him a couple of weeks ago.” They talked again about 2 weeks about what he wanted him to wear as an usher he brought me up again (knowing that the groom hasn’t reached out to me yet) and again stated that he talked to me not too long ago about it.

Now once again, he hasn’t said anything to me except for last year when he said “you’ll be in it.” How should I go about this. Do I just straight up ask him if I’m in the wedding? Do I wait for him to say something? Is it normal to not say anything to your groomsmen with a wedding less than 3 months away?”

If he’s a good friend, just ask him. Isn’t that easier than emailing the anonymous mailbag? He could be overloaded with wedding details and be doing what many guys do as the wedding date gets closer — Nothing at all.

Let’s be honest, most guys are clueless about weddings. For instance, I once suggested to my wife that instead of mailing out actual save the dates, we should just email everyone instead. This seemed like it made an awful lot of sense.

It was the last suggestion I made about our wedding. 

If the weddding’s in October, here’s an easy way to bring up the subject: what are the plans for the bachelor party? 

“Subject: Old guy boner questions

I’m a 60-something woman, with a whole gaggle of similarly aged friends. We’re all married, and we’re all friends and we do lots of stuff together as couples.

Last weekend, all the ladies went to the lake together and took lots of wine. (No this is not going to turn into an old women having lesbian sex with each other story, you gay muslim perv). After several bottles had been polished off, one of the gals said: “My God, what I wouldn’t give for a good hard dick right now.”

After we cleaned up the wine we spit all over one another, we had a deep J discussion about the fact that NONE of our husbands could maintain an erection anymore, even with performance enhancing drugs.

But, here’s the kicker: several of us have caught our husbands at the computer, choking their own chickens. Apparently old guys can get off to hot young things they can’t touch and can only see, but us old bats aren’t able to get the job done anymore. This is very difficult for us to understand, since we’ve all been married at least 25 years. It really makes us feel dejected.

Any suggestions, other than we should all get pool boys? I’m not a huge fan of dildo’s, I really and truly like a nice hard male appendage. Oral sex is fine, but I miss a nice wham bam thank you ma’am on a Saturday morning.

And, I just want to warn all your younger readers that they should be humping all they can right now, because someday, it’s going to break.”

You know the anonymous mailbag is a hit when we have all ages of readers emailing in on any given week. I did a spit take when the email subject, “Old guy boner questions,” landed in my inbox. 

I’m not an expert on the workings or non-workings of a sixty-something year old man’s penis — yet — but if several of you have caught your husbands jerking off to younger girls, why not incorporate porn into the mix?

That way at least you get to see a good, hard dick. And he gets to see the younger girls that get him worked up. 

Seems like a win for both of you, right?

You’re all in luck, starting this week we now have an anonymous mailbag search tag that will appear in our stories. So if you want to see past anonymous mailbags — starting with this week — they should all be lined up and searchable in one place. 

As always, the anonymous mailbag and the Friday mailbag rely on you guys sending good questions. Email clay.travis@gmail.com with your questions. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.