Anonymous Mailbag

I’m knocking out the anonymous mailbag early on Tuesday morning because I’ve got a tee time here in Mexico. But I know many of you are snowed in and potentially forced to take care of your kids all day and looking for ten minutes of joyous escape. So have no fear, your favorite gay Muslim in the world is here to entertain you with anonymous mailbag questions. 

Here we go.

“So I was at a party recently and there were seven phones left on the countertop. One of them buzzed and I looked down, thinking it might be my cell getting a text message, it was my cousin’s instead.

The text message was, “You look so hot in that sweater, did you wear it for me?” and it was from (name redacted), not my cousin’s husband. 

My cousin is a good looking mid-forties woman. I picked up the phone and carried it over to her. She was standing arm in arm with her husband and she blushed when I handed her the phone and she saw the text. 

What’s the ethical decision when you see a text message that you aren’t intended to see? What should I do?”

This is a tough question. 

The easy assumption here is that your cousin is having an affair with another guy at the party and he sent her a racy text message about how hot she looked. But what if that’s not true? What if it’s a private joke? What if your cousin and her husband have an open marriage or are swingers? There are a decent number of explanations for that text that don’t involve an affair. This is an ethical minefield, not just because you saw a text that you weren’t supposed to see.

I also wonder, by the way, why you felt compelled to pick up her phone and deliver it to her? After all, people get text messages all the time at parties. Most of them aren’t imperative to see at that moment. I’d understand the need to take her phone to her if you’d happened to glance down at the text and you’d seen, Babysitter: “GET HOME NOW. JUSTIN JUST SWALLOWED A BUNCH OF ASPIRIN.”

But this text wasn’t that important, right? You saw it and wanted to take it to your cousin so she’d know that you saw it. So you’ve interjected yourself into this story already. 

As such, I think you have two options here: 1. Say nothing at all. It isn’t your business. 2. Tell your cousin that you saw the text — she probably assumes you did which is why she blushed — and tell her that you’re willing to talk about it with her if she wants to talk about it with you.

We’re talking about your cousin here. If this was your sister of your brother, I think you’d be well within your rights to get more involved, but this is your cousin. I’d probably say nothing. As always, you guys are welcome to give your own advice in the comments. Some of these questions are difficult and I’m not infallible.  

“When I was 25, I relocated for work to a place where I knew no one except for the coworkers I had just met. First week in town, super bored, I catch one of those late night commercials for a chat line. You know … there are incredibly hot, lonely women all over town just waiting for you to call this number so you can chat with them and maybe even hook up. There was a free trial, so I called. Don’t ever do this. Almost everyone on the line is a dude doing a really poor job of sounding like a woman.

I end up chatting with someone who sounds fairly normal. Despite it being almost 3 a.m., she says I can come over. She says people tell her she looks like Jennifer Lopez – which I know is clearly a lie – but I’m in. I show up, and she actually isn’t awful looking, except … she’s a little person. She left that tiny detail out of her description.

I’m not using the term haphazardly. She was like 4-feet tall with the classic sausage fingers, bowed legs. All of that. Screw it. I’m already there, so I go inside and we have a drink. By the way, she said she goes with the Jennifer Lopez comparison, because she has a big butt, but don’t all little people? I feel as though that’s gaming the system. Anyway, judging by the time we met and the circumstances under which we met, neither of us are there to talk about what famous person someone might think we look like if they squint really hard (Tom Green over here, by the way). I figured I’d never get the chance to experience this again, so screw it. I went all in. We did the deed. It was incredibly strange, but all in all, not a terrible experience. That was the end of that. She texted me a few times over the next week or so (no idea, why we actually exchanged numbers), but I ignored them. Her last text was pretty heartbreaking. “I get it. You f—– a midget, and now you’re done. Go high-five your bros and tell everyone about it and pretend I don’t exist any more. Asshole.”

That did make me feel bad, but I rationalized it by saying no matter who the person was that I hooked up with off a chatline at 3 a.m., I likely was never going to call that person back anyway. Sorry, little people.”

I’m speechless.

Anonymous mailbag confessions might be a new thing.

Moving right along… 

“A friend of mine has been married for 8 years to a girl who he thinks was only married once. A group of his friends, males and females, found out that his wife was married TWICE before he married her. So she is now on her third marriage and this is his first. We don’t like his wife, because she is a wack job, but we think he is too far in after all these years to say anything to him. What should we do?”

You keep quiet. First, there’s a decent chance he actually knows about this marriage and is keeping quiet out of respect for his wife. She may well feel that one divorce is more socially acceptable than two divorces. She could have told him and asked him not to tell anyone else. It’s common for couples to share secrets with each other that they don’t share with anyone else, right? So I’d wager there’s a good chance he knows already. 

Second, what if one of the marriages was a short-lived Vegas fling, or she was 18 and married three months or what if her husband was abusive and she fled him and doesn’t want that part of her life public; there are just so many reasons why the marriage might not be a part of her public life story now.

So what if you guys tell him about the third marriage and he says, “Yeah, I’ve known for eight years?” Then you look like real busybody assholes. Plus, your hands are a bit unclean here, you don’t like his wife. It’s not that uncommon to disapprove of a friend’s marital partner. But what’s your real motive here? If he’s happy in his marriage now, how does suddenly knowing a new detail about his wife’s life before they met fundamentally alter their relationship? Does a part of you and your friends hope that if he doesn’t know about the extra marriage this is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back and ends their relationship? It seems possible. 

So you keep quiet. 

“We’re both 33 and have been married for six years and have an average sex life, two to three times a week (or at least that’s my impression of what is average). If anything, since we have a five year old daughter, I think we’re doing pretty well. However, I still enjoy some alone time once to twice a week as well. To me, it’s very calming and helps me focus. On a rare occasion, if I’m having a particularly stressful day at work, nothing is more helpful that going to the bathroom and rubbing out a quick one. I don’t know why this helps, but it just does.

The other day, my wife walked in on my pleasuring myself in the shower. She was repulsed that I still did this and then became somewhat despondent that I wasn’t satisfied with our sex life. I tried to reassure her that this wasn’t the case, but she tried to argue that this wasn’t something normal husbands did. So, first, it was my understanding that all men, regardless of age, relationship status, sexual orientation, or any other categorization, masturbate at least some. Am I wrong on this? It has nothing to do with being satisifed or not. It’s just something men (and a lot of women) do. Right?

Second, she was also grossed out that I did this in our shower. To me, this seems like the most hygenic place to possibly do this. The evidence is gone immediately. Would she rather pick up crusty socks like this was my dorm room or something?

Please reassure me that I’m not being weird about this. Hopefully my wife will listen to you more than me.”

First, every married man masturbates. Otherwise, given the frequency of married sex with children, we’d all have wet dreams — or nocturnal emissions — which is much creepier. If your husband claims he doesn’t masturbate, he’s lying. 

Second, masturbating in the shower is actually a pretty good move on your part. Aside from getting caught — did you not hear your wife come into the bathroom? — you couldn’t face the wall and pretend to be washing your groin like the rest of us?

As for location, I think the shower’s fine. It could be much worse for your wife. I’ve even heard that some married men jerk off in bed after their wives reject their sexual advances and fall asleep. Of course I don’t know any men who would do this — it’s just a rumor after all — but I’ve heard it happens.   

“ALLAHU GAYTRAVIS!

I went on a spring break trip to Panama City in the period of 2005-2008… Just to give you a sense but not give away too much. We stayed at a cheap hotel on the strip with 5 guys to a 2 twin bed room (plus a roll away). The band playing on the beach that week even parked their tour bus in our hotel parking lot (they rhyme with ‘turd hi mind’, no telling how many coeds saw the inside of that tour bus for 15 minutes) to give a sense of the the kind of week it was.

In one night, one of our good friends, “Jack”, proceeds to get into a fight, has a tooth knocked out, which he gave to me to hold on to as he went back out to the dance floor. Later, he ended up striking out and going to bed alone.

Later, it is around 3 a.m., 4 of the 5 guys are back in our room passed out. Bro #5 manages to bring home a girl from the bar, into the same bed he is sharing with toothless Jack. As they enter the room, I hear the door open, but they were quiet so I don’t think they woke anyone else up.

Bro #5 then proceeds to drunk-whisper, “Jaaaack,” to his twin-bed mate as loud as possible to the point that he’s almost yelling, with no response, toothless Jack is out cold. Bro #5 realizes ‘carpe diem’ and brings his new girl into the bed and they have their fun while Jack is barely conscious. The next day, the girl makes her walk of shame early along with several others in the Panama City sunrise. And we all get up around noon to relive the night before.

It’s in this moment that the truth comes to Jack. A) You got a tooth knocked out at the bar the night before. And B) You played a pillow to Bro #5 and his random girl in a twin bed. Even though the whole room heard, “Jaaaack” being loudly whispered several times before the other noises.

Today, we still loudly whisper the name,”Jaaack” whenever we talk to him. My question is, we are coming up on 8-10 years of this incident, yet the loud whisper of ‘Jaaack’ is basically his new name. How long is this acceptable to use an hysterical yet dated college story as a nickname before we go to hell?”

You are obligated to refer to him in this manner for the rest of your lives. I can’t imagine when this won’t be funny.  

As for the tooth story, I’m convinced that happened at either Spinnaker’s or La Vela. It did, didn’t it? Bonus question, is there anyone reading this mailbag right now who has been to Panama City Beach and hasn’t been to Spinnaker’s or La Vela?

“I am a college student at an SEC school. Last year, I had one of those 8:00 AM classes that every college student dreads. This class took place in a normal (non lecture hall) classroom with desks placed in no particular order throughout the room.

One morning when class was over, I picked up my backpack and headed for the door from my usual spot at the back of the room. Just as I was walking past an attractive girl still seated near the front, she reached her hand back behind her, without looking, in hopes of grabbing her backpack on the floor. However she missed her backpack and grabbed me directly in the crotch. It was dead center with perfect cuppage.

She was horrified. Her face turned as red as I’ve ever seen a face get. She didn’t know what to say… and neither did I for that matter. She just said, “I am so sorry” with an obviously very embarrassed look on her face. I had no idea how to respond either. I had been fighting to stay awake for the last hour, and then suddenly I was very awake. So I just laughed and said, “That’s ok… Don’t worry about it.”

So my question for you is how would you react in that situation? What would you say to her?

Since you’re gay, this probably would’ve disgusted you that a female touched you there. But try to put yourself in a straight college guy’s shoes for a minute and let me know what you would’ve done.”

I would have said, “I can’t believe you just did that without even taking me to dinner first.”

It’s a great line that I’m stealing from a high school cheerleading practice. I didn’t witness it, but I heard about it the day it happened. It was a hot day of practice and the boys on the cheerleading squad were stunting with the girls, lifting them high into the air, tossing them around, building pyramids, whatever the hell male cheerleaders do with female cheerleaders.

When suddenly it happened. 

One of the guys sweaty hands slipped on one of the girls sweaty thighs and the next thing you know he was standing on third base.

Everyone saw what happened. The guy was horrified, the girl was humiliated there was an awkward silence hanging over the cheerleading practice. When out of nowhere a Nashville mom, mid forties, in good shape, the typical mom of a cheerleader who would be there watching practice, drawls out with the perfect Southern accent, “You could have at least taken her to dinner first.”

Incredible. 

So I would have stolen that line.

The next time a girl accidentally cups your balls in class, you’ll all be ready with the perfect line.

“While drinking during the super bowl two Sunday’s ago, I made the mistake of diving into the whiskey after the Patriots covered a big bet for me. That wasn’t the issue, the issue comes where I texted an ex trying to get her to come over and bump uglies. Side note: she is dating another guy now. No emotional attachment whatsoever there. But I’m at a dinner on Saturday and I find out she has been running around telling everyone that she cheated on her boyfriend with me. This never happened, I’m thoroughly confused. What does one do here?”

The only reason I can think for why this girl claimed she cheated with you — despite the fact it never happened — is because she wants to end her current relationship, but is afraid to do it herself and wants him to break up with her. That’s really weird behavior.

You can deny it happened, but isn’t that exactly what you’d do if it did happen? No one will believe you. But stick to your story anyway. My other thoughts are as follows:

1. This girl is probably crazy.

2. This girl is probably really hot too, which makes people willing to put up the crazy.

Keep your distance.  

“I couldn’t help but respond to your February 10th anonymous mailbag. A couple years ago, my wife and I came home to find that our dog, Waylon, had helped herself to some food from the kitchen…or so I thought.  My wife happened to discover the mess first which was on a couch in our living room. To my surprise my wife kept asking me to NOT enter the living room until she had cleaned everything up. 

Of course I was cool with this but why was she so adamant about me not being around for the clean up? I didn’t push the issue until later that evening when I noticed that my wife had changed the garbage can from our bathroom. This stands out because she never takes the trash out. 

It turns out that Waylon had gotten into the bathroom trash and helped herself to a used tampon. We had only been married for a couple of months and my still “shy about such things” wife had wrapped her used tampon in toilet paper, then put it in the trash can. So our couch was decorated with little bits of red tampon material and white toilet paper. Since my childhood I had always thought seeing a dog eat its own shit was as disgusting as it could get. Turns out I was wrong.”

I know that lots of you read the mailbag while eating your lunches.

I’m sorry.

Blame Waylon. 

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A couple of weeks ago we received an email from a groomsman who had been involved in a called off wedding. After the wedding was called off the would-be bride showed up at his door and attempted to kiss him after a long conversation. Read that here. Now the wedding’s back on and he wanted to know what to do. Should he tell the groom?

“Quick update – thought you’d like to know!

My buddy reads your mailbag pretty regularly. After reading my anonymous story, he texted me and asked if I had sent that in (he knows I read your stuff too).

I struggled whether or not to confess, and I decided to tell him that it was INDEED me. At first he was pissed – b/c I didn’t go directly to him with the info. However, as you explained my dilemma in your response, he eventually came around & saw it from our point of view. Long story short, the girl confessed to the whole thing, played the emotional wreck card, we both swore up & down that nothing happened, etc etc.

The 2nd wedding has been called off b/c they need some time to “re-boot”. They are still engaged, but they are going to keep the next wedding low key.

Moral of the story….your mailbag saved a friendship & maybe a marriage. So a big roll tide to you, ya big gay Muslim.”

See, the anonymous mailbag is making the world a better place!

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Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

We guarantee complete anonymity.

For those of you in the South dealing with snow, godspeed. It’s eighty degrees and I’m on the golf course in Mexico.